Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Stars in the sky
Naively, Neil and I thought when I fell pregnant that it would result in that beautiful bundle of joy. We didn’t expect to fall pregnant so quickly and we knew we were blessed.
You can imagine how overwhelming it was to be told that the bundle of joy we were expecting was in fact identical twins. Neil became very quiet as his thoughts raced and he started to feel slightly overwhelmed. I remember that I felt truly blessed to be having two babies and excited at the thought they would be identical.
We were told that they were in fact MCMA. In basic form this meant that they were in one sac with one placenta. A high risk pregnancy.
Second trimester at a scan we were told that the consultant was coming to join the sonographer. It was then that they told us our babies had no heartbeats. Our world as we knew it changed from that point on and has never been the same.
I decided to write this blog as so many situations have arisen through our journey of pregnancy loss, grief and now IVF. I wanted to share our experiences and hopefully help others who are also grieving or lost a child. I want to make pregnancy loss a subject that people are not afraid to talk about or help people who are nervous to talk about it gain some understanding and feel more confident to approach it.
I hope you like reading the blogs and that you find them useful and informative. X
45 years old and pregnant
I never thought I would be writing another blog about pregnancy or loss ever again but here I am! I’m writing this to give others hope and of course to raise awareness as always.
When Neil and I were on holiday with the twins he kept asking me to take a pregnancy test. I was very late for my period well in fact it just never arrived!
I can’t tell you how many times I told him to not be so daft! “I’m 45 years old Neil, I have one fallopian tube the chance of us being pregnant is less than 2%!
This went on for some time with me explaining to him that I had way more chance of being perimenopausal than pregnant!
Anyway we came back from holiday and Neil brought me a pregnancy test and told me to take it. I had all the usual symptoms of being pregnant but I just couldn’t believe that would be the case.
Imagine the shock when the test showed positive! We were pregnant again! We sat in silence, stunned! I made Neil buy another test and sure enough it showed positive!
After talks with a doctor we booked a private scan as I needed to know if the pregnancy was viable. However my dates were out and we were just under 6 weeks so no heartbeat could be seen. However there was a sac and a yolk and everything looked perfect for the gestation period.
She informed me that I had ovulated from the left side. The side where I have no tube! Yet the egg managed to travel to the other side and the right fallopian tube took the egg and the sperm met it and it implanted! A miracle especially at my age!
We couldn’t help but get swept up in the positives of this and we planned the future. A new car (more seats), how we would make the house bigger to fit our extended family! The excitement of this miracle sweeping our thoughts to the future, a new baby!
We booked another scan for after 6 weeks to check for a heartbeat. This scan was brought forward a few days. I had some blood when I wiped. No pain, no clots nothing too sinister but you can imagine my thoughts especially if you know all our history.
The scan date arrived and we went along expecting the worst. Instead we saw a heart beat!!! Baby had grown beautifully and the sonographer explained she could see nothing to indicate a miscarriage and the bleed could be normal. It happens in many more pregnancies than you can expect!
In fact once a heartbeat has been seen 78% of woman go onto have a healthy baby! I loved her positivity as she spoke about the statistics and facts!
However, I knew that my pregnancies were in the 22% category! We see the heartbeat and everything is perfect but we still lose the baby.
I rang the doctor to see if I could book a blood test to see if my hcg levels were rising. I wanted peace of mind. Unfortunately they were unable to do this but the doctor also confirmed the positives and focused on the fact I hadn’t seen any clots and the blood was just when I wiped.
I was worried. I knew my body and I know our history and that night I sat and prepared Neil for the worst. I told him that I knew something was wrong. He remained positive.
The doctor had referred me to the early pregnancy unit and two days later I was due to have a scan there and they were going to give me pessaries to help the hormones and stop the bleeding.
The night before the scan I had cramps. The blood was a little heavier and I really feared the worst.
I went along to the scan and they confirmed I had started to miscarry. The baby was no longer in the sac. The sac had collapsed and was sitting near my cervix.
I never anticipated ever having to sit in the early pregnancy unit again or hearing the words I’m sorry you are miscarrying but I also never ever thought I would see a positive pregnancy test.
So here I am sat in the garden undergoing the medical miscarriage at the old age of 45 years but this is the reason I write!
This was a miracle pregnancy. Fertility is a complicated subject and often brings joy and heartbreak. Whatever your journey and wherever you are in it please always hold onto hope.
Fear
I’m not sure if my fears and anxieties are similar to any other parent or if they are more extreme from our loses before Layla and Kayden.
I remember when they were first born and we brought them home the health visitor completed a questionnaire around anxiety and I was off the scale.
She recommended some counselling and I took it up. I had horrendous fears that after everything we went through I would now lose one or both of them due to SIDS or a fatal car crash etc.
I hardly slept for the first two years of their lives as I would panic I couldn’t hear them breathing. I would have to check continuously to see if their chests were raising and falling!
The counselling helped and I didn’t undertake it for long. It helped me to understand my fears and where they derived from.
I still suffer with awful overwhelming fears that something bad is going to happen! It’s 3:30am in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour.
I woke initially due to my husband’s snoring but then in the dead of the night I panicked! My husband was still in the bed with me and not in our sons.
They are 3 years 7 months old now and I still have a baby monitor! I’m not sure why as we hear them if they wake. So there I was listening to the monitor waiting to hear any movement from our son.
Why hasn’t he woken up yet? He had an afternoon nap (rare but happens when exhausted)! Why hadn’t he asked his daddy to get in his bed?
Just as I’m about to go and check he moves to get more comfortable. My fear of SIDS was so strong around him as I knew boys were more likely to die from it.
The relief I feel when he moved is indescribable. You would think that I would now be able to roll over and go to sleep but I can’t!
My fear creeps in again and although Layla is in my bed next to me I panic as in the last 20 minutes of fearing for Kayden I realise that she hasn’t made a noise or moved.
I touch her chest as I can’t see it rise and fall. She feels cold which is unusual for her so I panic. I move her hair and feel her head but she doesn’t move. I’m starting to feel sick when she suddenly moves her arm!
Again the relief yet still I don’t go back to sleep! Instead intrusive thoughts enter my head about how I would survive if one or both of them died so young.
Fighting this fear is hard. It’s not just about mindset but rather induced from trauma. I am a logical woman I know the odds. I know how unlikely it is yet that statistic comes into my mind 1 in 4 children get diagnosed with cancer.
It’s not just fear of something happening to them it’s also fear of something happening to me. I guess as my mum died young I worry I might. My heart breaks at the thought of not being around for them.
So as I lay in bed with all these thoughts and fears I talk myself out of this mindset. I remind myself that no day is ever guaranteed and that’s why I embrace everyday with them.
I cuddle them every day, I tell them constantly how much I love them! My heart bursts when my son sat on my lap and said to me “mumma, I love you more than there are stars in the sky”!
How wonderful is it that this tiny human being for no reason at all just leans in and tells me that!
Of course life and pressures make the day to day difficult at times and I find myself boundary setting and close to nagging but I cherish all these moments not just because they are young but because I know how fortunate I am!
People often say treasure every moment because they aren’t young for long and I get it but I also want to treasure every moment of my whole life with them. I want to be blessed to watch them grow and see who they become!
I want their childhood to be the foundation of happiness that they carry into their adulthood. I want them to look back on their childhood and remember how much they were wanted and loved.
The little things!
Lately after some family disagreements I have started to review and analyse what is important and why!
We are very blessed as a family. We both work very hard and this enables us to take our family on many holidays.
It has always been important to me to give my family the experiences that I didn’t have the opportunity to undertake. I was 21 years old when I first flew abroad and I saved hard to pay for that holiday.
I am at the moment sat on a plane with Neil, Layla & Kayden (our first holiday just us four for a long time so it feels a little strange)! From memory, and I don’t mean that to sound pretentious but I believe it is Layla & Kayden’s 7th flight at just 3 years 5 months old!
They have experienced other countries, cultures, pride events, music festivals, circuses and pantos mainly thanks to my job as an interpreter and my wax business but also thanks to our hard work as parents.
I am glad we have been able to give them these experiences but to me it is the little things that count more. The whole ten days we have ahead of us with devoted attention and quality time together.
It’s the building sand castles on the beach, the dancing to the kids entertainment, playing in the pool, meals out together, the cuddles and kisses, the fun, laughter and love that we feel on these breaks.
We chose to go on a holiday every month this year as it is our last full year together before they go to school at the young age of just 4 years 4 months old!
This literally breaks my heart and my eyes fill with tears! If I wasn’t such an old mum I would definitely be looking to have more children and grow our family! Neil however is grateful we are old!!!
I often wonder what our lives look like to others on social media or any other platform! I wonder if people think my children are spoilt?
Before this holiday Layla asked me mummy is this a working holiday? Although I will keep my wax business open I am not interpreting for 10 days. I answered with this and saw the smile on her face!
She is of course referring to when I work a music festival, circus, Pride, or panto. Fun activities that they experience and enjoy but not with my full undivided attention!
I absolutely feel grateful for what our work provides for our children and the experiences it gives them in respect to their world knowledge, growth and development. However I also know that they wouldn’t care if we were at home making cakes!
I don’t think I am a bad mum for trying to give them everything with an understanding of work hard, play harder! The commitment to gain a career and a business that provides for them – a work ethic.
However I know the importance of being present. I want them to reflect on their childhood differently from how I reflect on mine. I am not saying I had bad parents I just want to do things differently.
My mum and dad worked a lot due to debts and financial commitments so I didn’t spend much time with them.
We did go on caravan holidays but upon reflection this was to spend time in the club house! I also found out recently that our beloved caravan was not stolen but actually rather something more sinister my parents undertook but that’s a whole different story!
I can count on one hand how many times my father has told me he loves me. I tell my children every single day with meaning and purpose! They are not just words I float around they are intentional and honest. They are heartfelt and true and not just words that I band around with no purpose.
I kiss them and cuddle them everyday! I strive to make them laugh each and everyday. My aim is their happiness!
I don’t remember my mum and dad making cookies for Santa with me. I don’t remember leaving anything for Santa or writing letters to post or receiving letters. In fact I found out at a young age who left the stocking at the end of the bed when my parents fell on me drunk. Christmas Eve wasn’t spent indoors making memories with them, they went out and we had a babysitter.
This year I have decided to take Christmas Eve off! I usually work a panto but I’m going to do a different night. The twins are now of an age where they will remember these moments and although it is lovely to take them to the panto on Christmas Eve I want to do the smaller things with them this year while they are young.
I want to build magical memories that they will treasure when they are older and hopefully pass onto their children if they are blessed or choose to have them.
This year I want to make cookies for Santa, leave out reindeer food for Rudolph. I want to get into our matching PJs and watch a Christmas movie. I want to sing and dance to Christmas songs as we decorate the house early December.
I want to leave the key for Santa to get in and watch their faces when they receive their letter from Santa.
I want them to be able to look back on their childhood with fondness. I definitely don’t get it right all the time and if I was in a job review I would have a list of areas to improve!
However, I do know the importance of the little things, the cuddles, the kisses, the laughter and the being there.
So although they might be fortunate enough to go on holidays I know whether we are at the beach at home or a beach on a holiday destination it really is the sandy toes and salty kisses that I hope they will cherish.
Dates!
Neil is useless at remembering dates! He has always been useless at remembering and it’s something I struggle with as I don’t think it’s an excuse to NOT remember those really important anniversaries.
However, it is something I’m learning to accept. It’s a tough thing to come to terms with as my mind battles with questions like does our daughters not mean that much to him anymore?
Then I have to remind myself of something I’ve found to be so profound in helping me deal with the grief and that is it’s ok to live in the now and forget for a while the ones that we once held!
I guess because we have so little memories of Kora and Ava I put a lot of pressure on myself and Neil to mark an anniversary.
To think today is 6 years since we stood in the crematorium looking at that little white coffin that held you both together.
I had only lost my mum four years prior to that. This year next month is ten years to the date that my mum died and I often find that she enters my thoughts a little more than Kora and Ava nowadays.
I guess becoming a mum to biological children without having her to guide and support makes her pop to the forefront of my mind a little more.
But even in this grief the odd day might go by after 10 years when she doesn’t pop into my mind. The same as Kora and Ava when I’m busy working and looking after family.
My focus and attention seems to be on the moment I’m in and living and although a pang of guilt overwhelms me for not thinking of you all much more than I do I remember to take the pressure off!
I do remember every anniversary and in the lead up to these I notice my mood dip a little, my work ethic slacks a little and I withdraw into myself a little more!
So maybe my mind doesn’t whirl with thoughts about you every single moment of every day but my heart and body naturally ache for the missed cuddles or moments shared.
Neil might not remember the dates but I’m sure his heart aches in his own way and after all, everyone’s grief is different.
Ultimately what I’m learning is that time itself doesn’t heal but it is definitely better to forget for a while when you live in the moment and smile then it is to remember with a heavy burden.
My love is not defined by how many times I think of you but rather how I carry you in my heart and let you and me live on! I honour your memory by living, laughing and loving.
So sleep tight baby girls and know that mummy and daddy love you more than there are stars in the sky.
Lost in love
6 years ago today I delivered you both in the hospital. We knew you were dead and it had been an agonising 10 days before we were there in the delivery suite.
I had never given birth before so I wasn’t sure what to expect but what I remember the most to this day is the overwhelming sadness.
A room full of quiet sobs, quiet words of encouragement to push out our dead babies and then you were there but no cry was heard from either of you! A heavy silence and two broken hearts!
6 years on and I can’t explain how I feel right now. I almost feel numb. I’m lost with what to do today or how to mark this day now.
I’m lost in the what ifs and I wonders that never became a reality.
I’m lost for words! I’m lost for a narrative that resembles an accurate reflection of life without you but a life so rich and full of love still.
I’ve lost count of the tears, fears and heartbreak your memory brings but I’ve also lost count of the amount of hope, love and joy that came from you!
I’ve lost count of the defining moments that happened as a result of losing you!
I’m lost navigating parenting as a bereaved parent! I’m lost with the mix of emotions and guilt that rise to the surface when I feel I’m failing with the ones I brought home.
I’m lost in the day to day parenting that I am immensely blessed to have! I’m so lost in them and how they are my entire world from the moment my eyes open to the moment they shut.
I’m so lost in them I’m worried I’ll forget you! Maybe forget is the wrong word? Maybe I mean you enter my thoughts a little less or a little later whilst the whirlwinds of the ones I brought home smash through the entire day!
I can no longer get lost in my own thoughts about you as much as I want to as I give my whole undivided attention to them!
That is until I sit with the baby monitor on and listen to their gentle snores and murmurs and then I silently thank you for all you gave to us!
I might be lost how to mark the day you entered the world so cruelly. I might not know how to mark the day we got to see you for the first and ultimately the last time.
I might not find a way to grieve not watching you both grow but whilst being blessed to watch our other two grow up!
I am completely lost with how to do this! So I will mark this day with the two we brought home, letting two heart balloons fly high in your memory!
I will watch the joy that it brings to them to watch the balloons go and I will lose myself in that moment and savour the squeals of delight that fill the air!
I will embrace every hug, kiss, smile & laughter the day brings and I will be forever grateful that we got that! I will be lost in love!
Love you Kora & Ava more than there are stars in the sky!
A little harder
Each year that passes this gets a little harder! Six years ago today we were told the words…”I’m sorry, there are no heartbeats”.
Sometimes I think about reading my first few blogs again to remind myself of specific details. It’s a horrible feeling as I curse myself that I can’t remember every detail anymore.
The pain I remember, the heartbreak and sorrow! I remember being in a daze and not understanding the words spoken after that sentence.
I remember being ushered into a private room and being told to take a pill. I remember I was told that in second trimester it’s harder for your body to end a pregnancy so the pill will help your body know that pregnancy has ended!
The pregnancy has ended, I thought! No reference to the babies that were no longer going to be brought home. Just medical procedures and what to do to next.
Go home and rest and come back in two days time they said. I had just started to show a cute little bump and it was obvious I was pregnant but now I was to walk around with my dead babies inside me while I waited for the pill to kick in.
I wonder if I re-read my first blogs whether I would remember this differently. Would little memories coming flooding back. Would it be the same then as I wrote above or has my memory protected me from the pain and loss?
Three years of those six years I have been biological mum to Layla & Kayden. Three years of a love I could only imagine before. Three years of dealing with loss whilst feeling like I’d won at life!
They say it takes seven years (grief cycle) for your life to return to some normality after a loss. We are in our sixth year and my heart still aches, my tears still flow and I sit and wonder what might have been!!!
But I am conflicted because every night I cuddle my beautiful twins that I brought home and I count my lucky stars that I get to kiss them relentlessly sit and watch them drift off to sleep after talking excitedly about their day and their plans for the next day.
I am literally watching life in front of my own eyes whilst my heart copes with death. An emptiness that is appeased by the bringing home of Layla & Kayden.
My heart will always be shattered of course but I would be lying if I didn’t say that Layla & Kayden fix those pieces bit by bit. I’m sure there will always be a hole or a missing piece but when you have the chance of parenthood with the most beautiful children it’s difficult not to allow your heart to be full again.
So this is what I mean when I say it gets a little harder each year. The memories fade or get blocked out for protection, the heart although missing a piece beats loud and full of love, the smile returns to my face and I belly laugh at my beautiful twins daily.
Something that once seemed unlikely but even in those darkest moments Kora and Ava you gave me hope that I would have this chance!
You blessed me with more than you could ever know and I will be forever grateful for that! Although I might not know how to mark this day anymore, I can assure you it is not because you aren’t loved and thought about.
Love you more than there are stars in the sky or as Layla says love you more than the skies!!
Sleep tight my babies. Mummy misses you 🩵
Life is busy!
The day I became mum was the day it was not all about me. Being mum has taught me that I am not the important person and my needs although still need to be met are not the be all and end all. Instead my beautiful dependents are always the priority.
I don’t know what it is inside of you that changes to make you selfless and put their needs first always maybe it’s just as simple as becoming a parent that gives you that ability.
I often wondered about the little things I would need to learn to deal with like never having the time to have that soak in a bubble bath, or getting to drink that cup of tea when it’s hot, or even eating your own meal all by yourself…you get what I mean!
The little things in life that I found solace in or appreciated. The little things that maybe I gave a little too much importance to.
I also didn’t recognise that as much as I love my husband it will be no longer about us but about our family. There was going to be inevitable shift with our importance to each other. We would have to put our date days or nights on hold. We would have to find time to sneak some cuddles and kisses for ourselves.
However our lives would be so much richer with the moments and kisses we now share as a family and our love would become far greater even with the divide of sharing our love to more than just the two of us! Our lives would become about them, then us if we get the chance!
What I didn’t expect or anticipate dealing with was learning to let go of the people who don’t give the love and time my children deserve. I knew I would find this hard as I have always been the organiser and suddenly life became too busy for me to be the organiser and the mum with two businesses. I organise us and invite you to it all but that’s the most I can do for now.
There comes a time when you have to hope that you and your family means enough to the others for them to give up their time without it being organised for them.
I know and appreciate that we are not the only ones with a busy life but there really is no excuse not to send a video message or do a video call if you physically can’t get over here.
No matter how busy your lives are some people should just be making the time not the excuses.
As sad I am for them as their parent when they don’t have the bond or relationship with the people I hoped they would, I ultimately know that it is not them missing out but YOU!
It is you that is missing out on Kayden’s funny faces he pulls and his tendency to try and make you laugh. He is a little comedian and he loves to make people laugh! He would make you belly laugh if you gave him the time!
It is you missing out on Layla’s story telling and imaginative play. This girl has an imagination to rival! She would take on the most magical journeys if you gave her the time!
It is YOU that is missing out on the moments when they learn new words or try and pronounce new words. I shouldn’t have to decipher what they are trying to say. If you see them enough and give them your time then you would know!
Don’t visit much then, it is YOU that has missed out on milestones, birthdays, Easters, growth, development and ultimately a relationship!
They won’t miss who they don’t see. They won’t regret not having you in their lives if you can’t put them first or make time for them. They just won’t know any different but ME I do and I am sad for them because you can’t make time to be important in their lives.
The sad truth is they won’t know what they are missing if it wasn’t there in the first place. So when they don’t ask after you anymore or as much, then that is also on YOU!
But more importantly it is not about YOU it’s about the young children that love you unconditionally and don’t know how busy your lives are!
It’s the young children that want to show you only unconditional love. It’s the young children that you should move heaven and earth to be with!
Can’t make that time…they know no different. They are loved so much that your missed love really will just go amiss!
Their lives are rich whether you make the time to be in it or not. They know love and to be honest as once famously said it is better to have loved and lost then never have loved!
So whether you chose to be an occasional visitor or a passing visitor in their lives they will only ever know love!
The parent I thought I would be!
I remember when Neil and I were trying for babies and were pregnant again with Layla and Kayden we said we didn’t want to be those parents that allowed their children in their bed until they were four years old!
It’s funny when you are an expectant parent and you have all these grand plans of what you think you will do or achieve with your children.
We even thought at one point that we would have potty training done and dusted by two and a half and there was a time when it felt like it was going that way!
Yet here we are at just over three years old and still trying to potty train! Even though we are having some success still since the age of two we still haven’t achieved it yet!
I also remember thinking I would be that therapeutic parent at all times and that I would nurture my children so incredibly beautifully! Don’t get me wrong my children are loved and nurtured but I am most definitely not the therapeutic parent at every given moment!
I don’t always deal with a situation the best way when I’m exhausted from working a 60-70 hour week whilst having the children at home with me. I’m often exhausted from being the parent that has to do everything even though their father is amazing and always on hand!
This leads me to become agitated and often responsive in a more negative way. I am learning though to say sorry mummy didn’t deal with that very well!
I guess sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to be a parent that I thought I should be due to the fact that we went through so much to bring Layla and Kayden home.
I also had the same thoughts and expectations that new parents have about what kind of parent I thought I would be and how I would deal with the stages of parenting!
Yet here we are 10 months down the line with Neil sleeping on the sofa every night with Kayden whilst I sleep in bed with Layla!
We did have a routine and they did stay in their beds but something changed as they got a little older and although we didn’t alter our bedtime routine something within them changed.
I know that I am not the parent I thought I would be and everyday I face different challenges that I hadn’t even anticipated. However even though people might tell us how they think we should parent I firmly believe that we are doing our best.
I also know that our beautiful twins won’t be small for that long and this time is something we strived so hard to get! So if I have a child in my bed till 4 years old I will make the most of all those snuggles because before long they won’t want to be in our bed or lingering for a cuddle!
This time might seem really difficult and testing with two three year olds but I know that we will get there (wherever there is)!
All I know is we have two beautiful living children that we are fortunate enough to raise. They truly are our world and no matter what mistakes we are making they are not at risk, they are loved and we are willing to learn and adapt.
I will be forever grateful that we got to bring them home. I won’t ever forget our struggles to be here and I won’t forget or avoid talking about our beautiful Kora and Ava that would be six years old this year! I will also allow myself to talk about being a parent now after all those struggles and how it can be very guilt driven.
So I will hold onto them as tightly as possible, I will kiss their muddy, dirty faces, I will hang off the end of the bed with no space because of the little ones, I will continue to repeat myself a million times a day to put boundaries in place, I will answer the question and then answer it AGAIN when the other twin asks the same question immediately afterwards, I will squeeze them tightly and hold onto them being little for as long as I possibly can! I will love them more than there are stars in the sky!
No one pushes my buttons like her…
I haven’t written for a while and it’s not because I am in a blissful bubble of parenting but quite the opposite.
I don’t know whether losing babies makes your guilt worse when you have been fortunate enough to eventually bring home what you always wanted.
I sometimes wonder if I am even tougher on myself because of what we went through to be parents together. I have this huge overwhelming guilt that curses through my veins when I haven’t parented every minute of the day in the style I want.
You know the style I mean? The passive/therapeutic style of parenting that I want to adopt every second of the day!
However the reality of life and parenting means that the other day when Layla pushed every button there was most definitely not any therapeutic or passive parenting that went down in that moment of time.
I find that I move around the four main styles of parenting and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I also know like the other day there are days when I simply mess up and make huge mistakes!
For the past eight months or so the twins have wanted mum and only mum. Mummy can change my nappy, mummy push the pushchair, mummy put me in the car seat, mummy feed me, mummy where are you? Etc etc!!!
Neil and I have found ourselves trying to negotiate the best way to deal with the relentlessness of mummy and to help them do things with daddy but it has not always gone to plan and we have often found ourselves at loggerheads with each other through shear exhaustion!
I can’t remember the last time Neil and I slept in the same bed together. It has almost felt like divide and conquer at times and our team work has gone astray at points.
The other night I took Layla to bed and she literally did everything she could to mess around and stay awake! I lay in her bed with her from 7pm till 9:30pm consistently trying to encourage her to sleep and relax.
My buttons were well and truly pressed and I had to leave the room as I felt my blood boil with this perfect little girl. When I left the room she screamed the whole house down and all I could hear was mumma, I love you please don’t leave me.
This was repeatedly said with her cries becoming more desperate. After five minutes I went back into the room and got back into bed with her. Her sobs took her breath away and through gasps of air she kept saying mumma I love you.
My verbal response was to tell her that I loved her too. I asked her to calm down and try to close her eyes while I stroked her head and her face.
She did her usual of asking me for a big hug. This is where I engulf my arms around her and we lay together in bed. Only this time I draped my arm around her as although I was saying the right things I couldn’t bring myself to engulf her. I was emotionally drained.
As I lay there I wondered if this tiny three year old could tell the difference between the tightness of my hug. Was she does relieved to have me beside her with contact or did she know that my hug was half hearted?
Then the guilt kicks in at the pit of my stomach! I think about how desperate I was to have this and how this tiny human is pleading for my love and affection and all I could do was drape my arm over her!
It starts that vicious circle of questions in my head! Am I good mum? Do I deserve these beautiful children? What effect do my actions have on them? Do they feel loved and know that I’m trying my best?
I don’t write this for any affirmations about my parenting but because I hope my words resonate with others and I hope that being honest about my struggles even after all we went through will help other parents who read this and to feel affiliated.
I also wonder that when Layla is an adult will she look back on her childhood and at me as a mum to a fully grown adult and will she know how much she has always been loved and treasured. Will she be proud of the mother I am and have been to her throughout her life?
Will she see that my response to her was different to my response to Kayden because they (although being twins) are very different individuals and what works for one doesn’t work for the other!
Will she realise in time that my intentions were always for the best and that ultimately what I strived for as her mum was to provide a safe, loved and happy environment? Even if at times the happy part might be difficult to feel or see!
Will they both know that they are the reason my world turns, the reason the sun shines, the reason I breathe, they are my absolute everything!
No matter how many buttons are pressed or how many times I mess up my parenting styles or choices I want them to both know that we love them more than there are stars in the sky and I honestly am trying my best even if that is not always good enough and for that I am truly sorry.
Mother’s Day 🩵
I can’t quite believe how quickly it comes around! A day I find so difficult yet so honoured to mark.
I feel heartbroken that I can’t celebrate this day with my own mother even nearly 10 years on. Nearly 10 years of grief! Time most definitely hasn’t healed but it has numbed the rawness and filled it with her beautiful grandchildren!
Traits that I sometimes see in myself are now reflected again in that of my own biological children. Traits that are most definitely from my own mother.
I may not be able to see your smile or hear your laugh or watch your eyes dance with mischievousness but I capture a glimpse of it in my very own off spring!
My heart saddens for my adopted daughter for all the things she should have had. The love, the nurture, the opportunities! I only hope that my love for her finds a special place in her heart and life. I hope that the word mum encompasses all that I try to be to her.
I hope that blood and a birth certificate with my name on it is not what matters in our relationship. I hope that she is old enough and wise enough to see true love.
I hope that my step daughter knows that she can always come “home” anytime and that she just needs to pick up the phone. I hope she knows in her maturity that being a homeowner and having responsibilities can make time pass to quickly!
I hope that she understands the importance or her in all of our lives and that no matter how much time goes by with our face to face contact, she knows her place is always in my heart!
My heart skips a beat and my breath is still taken when I think of the first time I was called mum legally! I just never envisaged it would be on a funeral form for the cremation of Kora and Ava.
The ones that filled our hearts with joy, anticipation and hope. Even when we stood at their tiny white coffin my heart may have been shattered but somehow they made me feel like it could be pieced together!
They showed Neil and I how strong and resilient we were as a couple. Their cords knotted around their necks and cut off their blood supply but they helped us tie the knot!
They made us understand true love and absolute devastation! They made us parents whilst their cots stood empty. They taught us not to give up.
My heart at times made me feel like I wouldn’t get through another loss, another miscarriage. My heart sank at being a “warrior” being in the fertility group and the baby loss club! It wasn’t a club I ever wanted to be in and I’m sure I wouldn’t have willingly signed up for the pure soul destroying, heart wrenching moments!
Moments that I could never have imagined. The moment they said you had no heartbeats, the moment I gave birth to you without a sound, the moment I gazed into my husband’s eyes with an unimaginable grief only to see it reflected back. The moment we visited you in the morgue. The moment we said goodbye and walked away from your coffin.
Moments in time that are now so precious because it’s all I hold of you. Moments I thought would haunt me rather than become the precious few moments I have to hold onto.
Of course then there is that heart warming life changing moment that I brought these two home! My beautiful Layla & Kayden.
The ones that make me hear mumma over a million times in one hour! The ones that I hear tell me they love me more than there are stars in the sky!
The ones that deprive us of sleep. The ones that light up our hearts even when it’s another night on the sofa or another night on the very edge of a king size bed!
The ones that are well and truly three-angers! The ones that push buttons we didn’t know we had! The ones that make every day worth while, that fill our hearts with overflowing love and laughter. The ones that honour me with the title of mum that world accepts!
The ones that complete my heart!
Stars in the Sky 