BFP (Big Fat Positive)

To all my IVF and fertility warrior friends…here’s to the TWW (two week wait) and your BFP.

Neil and I were truly blessed to conceive with Kora and Ava naturally and within the first month. We thought as we had conceived so quickly we wouldn’t have any problems TTC (trying to conceive) again.

Losing a baby or babies in our case, has had such an enormous affect on every part of our mind body and soul. The overwhelming grief of that loss of both Kora and Ava and the life we should be living with them really impacted us. I believe that all consuming grief and the battle to continue everyday is probably part of the reason Neil and I then struggled for our BFP, our rainbow baby(ies).

At times whilst trying to become a biological mum I have questioned so many aspects such as my mental state, I have truly wondered if I was losing my mind at times. I am consumed with self doubt at the most unexpected moments. We are trying so hard to have our family and when I sit in tears looking at that BFN (big fat negative) a thought enters my head before I can stop it. Maybe I’m not meant to be a biological mother as I’m not good enough!

Some people are fortunate enough not to understand the struggles that some couples go through. That optimism and hope that this month might be the month that we will see our BFP. Every twinge and cramp is scrutinised…could that be an implantation pain or is it my period pains? Are my boobs sore because I’m pregnant or is it my period coming that is affecting them?

We take that test 5/6 days before the period is due (as early as possible obviously) and wait for the result. It’s a test I have passed 3 times (5 babies) and yet the one that I have failed the most! Then it hits you that one line or NOT PREGNANT. The tears flow, that feeling of being a failure, that empty hole and loss. The unbearable feeling of letting everyone down especially my husband.

We had no fertility issues. We had all the tests and these ones we passed with flying colours. Yet here we are every month devastated and heartbroken. It was because of this that Neil and I decided to go for IVF. I am 40 very soon and I can’t hide from that fact and the impact on my fertility.

One of the hardest aspects of TTC for me has been when my friends and family fall pregnant or decide to try themselves for their family. Inevitably some are successful and often younger and some maybe hadn’t made a conscious decision to try but fell pregnant. I can honestly say that I am truly happy for them however I hope they understand when I sneak to the toilet for a self pity cry.

I’m sorry if I left your baby shower or declined a invitation or even a job that involved your baby. Please know that I do not have an issue with you or your most joyful moments. I wish to be strong enough to be there for you but my broken heart keeps shattering. I’m trying to find the inner strength to put a smile on my face and wish you all the very best in health and happiness. I am trying to fight my envy demon and not to become that bitter woman that I so easily could become.

I’m sorry if I took longer than acceptable to visit your newborn baby or hesitated when you offered me to hold your baby. It’s just my arms are empty and my heart is broken. I’m sorry if my reaction was inappropriate when you told me you were starting to try for your family. I hope that you get to enjoy TTC and becoming a parent to a living baby. I hope that you are never in our position or face the things we have had to face. We are in a group that people don’t ever want to belong to and I hope you never become a member.

I’m sorry if I have made you feel awkward around me or if you struggle to know what to say to me. I’m sorry if I have responded in a negative or bitter way please know that ultimately that is not the person I am. I am sensitive, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m a good person.

At a time that we talk about mental health, suicide awareness and being non judgmental, let’s talk. Lets talk about our demons, our self worth or feelings of not having any. Let’s be kind to each other. Let’s not make someone feel they are a burden or draining for talking about something so upsetting and important to them.

I can’t pretend to understand how you feel if I have not experienced what you have and every person is an individual and respond and experience to things differently. I hope that I don’t say the wrong thing to you but actively listen or just give you time. Help me to learn about what you are going through and what I should or shouldn’t say. Lets show each other kindness.