Mother’s Day

Mother’s day is coming and I know I won’t be the only person struggling on what is a seemingly happy occasion for most. I used to struggle because this November it is 6 years since my own mother passed away. I struggled because it is also very close to my birthday another difficult time of the year when you reflect on who is missing from your life.

However in 2019 I experienced my first Mother’s Day as a mother whose babies died. A mother whose mother has also died. This was by far the most difficult of Mother’s Days.

I am blessed to be acknowledged by my amazing step daughter (Amy) often with the most beautiful message and also a previous foster daughter (Alissa) who has the kindest and most loving heart. Their words are both heartwarming and touching and remind me that having a biological baby is everything but so too are they!

I count my blessings on what is a very sad day for me and Neil. I used to be a foster carer so I am very aware that I am blessed with having had a mother in my life even if our relationship was difficult at times. The last three years when my mum was fighting to live as long as possible following her terminal lung cancer diagnosis we had the best times. I cherish all the memories even the difficult ones as I am fortunate to have experienced them.

It reminds me to think of others on this difficult day. My heart goes out to all the people whose mother has passed no matter when or what age they were when they passed. For now there is just a dark empty place in your heart an aching that only you can truly understand.

I think of the children who are or have been in the care system who will have struggled with their relationships with their biological mum if they even knew her. I think of how hard it must be for them too.

Nowadays though my heart resonates also with those struggling with fertility. The ones who long to have a baby and may never have the opportunity. The ones who are doing everything they can to have their babies and going through IVF. I think of the ones, like myself, that have been blessed with a pregnancy but have lost their baby/babies.

It’s a day that is so bitter sweet. I know how lucky I am to have such wonderful children in my life. Lucky to have even fallen pregnant. Lucky to have experienced labour and the delivery of my identical twins even though it was traumatic. Lucky to have succeeded our first round of IVF even if the result was a loss of twins and a Fallopian tube. Yet I look at all the mothers and daughters and all the mothers with their babies and my heart breaks and I scream and cry inside.

That envy monster rears it’s ugly head as I wish for my situation to be different. I wish I had more time with my mum and I wish my babies were here. I long for the chance to be a biological mum to living babies. I watch the mums with their babies or the children with their mums. I see the women older than me out with their mum and my heart aches a little more. They continue with their lives blissfully unaware of the impact this day can have on some.

Of course I am aware that I don’t know their stories or struggles and I remind myself that they might be with their rainbow baby, they might have adopted their children following fertility struggles. This might be their last Mother’s Day with their mum. It might be bitter sweet for them and I pull myself away from that envy monster.

I try to celebrate this day as I know my mum would love this and I am of course a mum myself. However it has been harder to acknowledge this day after losing Kora and Ava. Sometimes I just want to shut the blinds and stay indoors so my eyes won’t see the many happy people with their loved ones in their arms.

Neil is so sweet on this day even though he has lost his mum too he treks to the shops and he buys me a Mother’s Day card. He signs it from Kora and Ava and chooses his words carefully. He of course understands and gets it after all he is a father who lost his identical twin girls. I sometimes wonder how hard it is for him to look at the cards and not buy one for his mother. I wonder if he just goes into the shop and picks any card without reading it as it’s too painful to be stood there. I wonder how hard it is for him when he knows how much I want to be a biological mum and how much he wants that for us. I wonder if he silently cries when he writes our babies names on the card. There is no card from your babies in heaven to their mother.

The world is not ready to talk about baby loss or the grief of a mother and father. The avoidance of acknowledgement is only too real. I hope we can break the silence. I hope that we can help the world to understand this painful loss and feel brave to talk or stand by the persons side. Not knowing what to say is understandable but allowing us to talk about our babies like you talk to us about yours is the kindest gift you could give us on Mother’s Day or any other day.

So to all the mums with empty arms or the people without your mum, I hope Mother’s Day is kind on you. I hope you have the strength to reach out and the support and love to surround you.