Selfishly heartbroken

This a stream of consciousness blog where I have not sat down and thought for hours what I want to say or indeed how I should put it. I’m going to be honest and hope that it doesn’t come across as bitter because I don’t believe I am that person but I’m aware it could be interpreted that way.

So we got the call today due the pandemic our IVF has been cancelled with no future date at present. I was expecting the call and decision but somehow being away abroad (on a holiday our friends and family paid for as it was my 40th) I maintained some optimism that the call might not come.

Of course we understand the professionals decision and it was obvious to me that it was coming as soon as pregnant women were put in the at risk category. Neil and I had also spoke ourselves whether we should risk getting pregnant if we didn’t know for sure the implications.

Although the main professionals dealing with pregnancy are advising there is no risk we were unsure about how much evidence there would be for this or indeed how long had the virus been about to enable enough research. Did we want to risk two embryos? What if we miscarried again? We would the have to find more money to pay for another round and how would we do this? What if there was a medical impact on the babies?

Also it was not just the implications of the virus itself but being able to feed with the right nutrition when the shops are empty due to bulk buying and of course the impact again on us financially!

We have already spent so many thousands and are in debt generally and in debt to some very special people that helped us out to top our money up to meet the cost. We don’t qualify for NHS funding because we fell pregnant naturally with Kora and Ava our identical twins we cremated in Sept 2018. With both of us being self employed it has caused a huge strain on our finances we have to take time off for appointments, blood tests, scans, transfers all without pay and on top of the £10,000 paid for the two rounds so far.

What is even more worrying now is with the virus and no support for us (self employed) from the Government how are we going to manage day to day anyway without an income. We spent all our savings and sold our property to pay for IVF. We didn’t have a crystal ball and although we contemplated regularly how we could build our savings up and support a family we didn’t ever include a pandemic!

Of course Neil and I had also talked about this situation too (or rather I thought about it, told him my worries and he just tried to reassure me and remain positive). But honestly should we be trying for IVF now when our financial future was potentially being discontinued? But then we think about all the families who had no/little money when they started to try and conceive/or fell pregnant unintentionally and how they manage somehow and don’t we also have that right? Just because we are planning, waiting and paying for our opportunity should we stop because of things out of our control?

Anyway I digress! The nurse at our clinic called today and informed us that we could not go ahead with our treatment. It was a very difficult conversation on both sides. I felt for her too. I knew she would have had to say this to so many women today and how hard it must be for her knowing how much we all want our babies. She has a kind and beautiful heart and I knew she would be going home to a well deserved large glass of wine after such a tough day.

I couldn’t hold back the tears, I know 40 years of age trying for a baby yet crying like one at this news. The nurse said “I expect you feel very angry” I wasn’t sure at the time how I felt other than heartbroken but anger was not the emotion I was feeling. That said if anyone is also in the same situation I totally understand and do not judge you if you were/are angry.

Upon reflection I realised that I felt cheated. Cheated out of my opportunity to try now, cheated as I am not fortunate with time and my age, cheated because my first round of IVF caused me to have my tube removed ironically giving me fertility issues which I didn’t have at the start of this journey, cheated because I felt like my hope was being taken.

I felt cheated because all those women naturally trying to conceive right now have had no restrictions put on them. I felt cheated because there is a joke going around about a baby boom in nine months as people are self isolating(although we do have Netflix nowadays). I felt cheated because there are women who are pregnant at the moment yet choose to ignore the advice as that is their right after all it is advice and not a statutory obligation or enforcement.

Yet this decision has left us, two people desperately trying to beat the biological clock and have a family with no right of choice. We have been told we have to stop. We haven’t been allowed to make the decision for ourselves.

I understand the decision to an extent but feel it is still unfair for someone else to make this decision for us. But what I find really hard is the fact that we don’t even know when we can start the medication again and continue our round 2. I feel cheated because they’ve took my hope and hope is the one thing that i usually manage to find. I feel cheated because I don’t know when this will end and sanctions will be lifted. I am the kind of person who needs to have a plan and looks for a realistic yet optimistic one. I feel cheated because I can’t see the optimism or hope right now and I don’t know who I am if I don’t have that.

I know a lot of people haven’t walked in our shoes and don’t know what to say and I’m sure it comes from good/well intentions but if I hear the expression “it will work out/I’m sure it will happen” one more time I will not be held responsible for my response!

I am resilient and I’m sure over the next few days I will find my optimism again but for now I look terrible and my eyes are so red and puffy (I am not one of those ladies that looks solemn and sexy when she cries) and I have been wailing like a banshee to the bemusement of my fur baby who looks at me with sad eyes (albeit from a safe distance). If she could talk (in my head she does and I am that person that talks back to her) she would be saying “I don’t know what’s wrong but when you are done can we go out for a walk please?”

For now I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and deliver the leaflets to my neighbours offering my support if they are isolating. After all I’m sure there are others in my neighbourhood who are worried, scared and less fortunate than us. I’ll wear a dark hoodie though so I don’t shock anyone with my appearance!