I survived

I made it through Mother’s Day as I often do and it reminds me of how resilient I am. This year was very different as we all know right now we are living in a very different world. This year my heart also felt heavy for all the new mums that didn’t get to celebrate in a joyous and social way. I hope they were celebrated and spoilt in a safe and loving way.

My Mother’s Day went by with copious amounts of alcohol! It was filled with music, love and laughter. The first Mother’s Day without my mum and my children was definitely the hardest. I guess I had high expectations and assumptions that my husband would spoil me. This year I lowered my expectations and chose to be peaceful about the day. My husband of course forgot Mother’s Day. I only got a card because I reminded him the day before.

I wasn’t angry or disappointed this year. I guess because of what is happening in the world it puts into perspective the things that are important. Neil and I spent our weekend in the garden, planting flowers and jet washing the patio and decking. It was peaceful and perfect. Looking out of my window into the garden I see the blossoming and blooming of the flowers. An array of colours, birds chirping away, my fur babies enjoying being outside and it gives me hope.

I counted my blessing. I listened to the songs my mum loved and remembered her finger dance. I was grateful to have so many wonderful memories. I thought about Neil’s and my pregnancy and how lucky I am to have experienced pregnancy, labour and the delivery of my identical twin girls. I am appreciative that we got to hold their tiny but perfect bodies in the palms of our hands.

I am thankful that I am a mum! I received a tag in a post from my previous foster daughter Alissa and I got a beautiful gif sent to me from Amy, Neil’s daughter. I may have lost so much but I also am blessed with what I have.

I am of course consumed with grief but I’m learning to live with it. It will always be there. It hasn’t got easier and I don’t think it ever will. Time is not a healer. However, I am learning what it is I need to do to cope and survive. I am learning what helps me, what are my triggers, how to deal with my emotions and the comments flippantly made without care and thought.

I have learnt that a virus may have delayed or stopped my chances of becoming a biological mum but I am using this time to be kind to myself. The loss of children can not be mended, my heart is broken and will forever be but my mind is strong and there is a lot of love in my home.