A letter to my embryos

To my embryos,

I’m sorry the four of you are sat in the freezer for the foreseeable future. It’s a crazy world here at the moment as a virus called Covid-19 (Coronavirus) is making people ill and lots are dying. We are at present in a National Emergency state and our Prime Minister has asked us to effectively lock down.

This means we are not allowed to visit friends or family but rather stay with the people who live in our homes. We are only allowed out once a day to exercise. We are not allowed to work unless our job is an essential role in combating and supporting this dreadful virus.

You don’t know it yet but your mummy is a Sign Language interpreter so her work has stopped at the moment. Your daddy is a handyman and therefore his work has stopped. We are both self employed and therefore have no income at the moment. Our loved ones safety is of course of paramount importance and we are indeed following the instructions. It’s hard though as the Government are not helping us, we are not being given 80% of our wage like others.

The thing is we could not see the future and we managed to save, sell our belongings and borrow money to pay for you. There were two others but sadly they are no longer with us. 6 beautiful embryos down to you just you four. Yet in this dilemma and world I fear we will not be able to let you grow and become our beautiful and longed for children.

I can’t help but worry that we will not have the money to feed ourselves let alone you, our children to be. We do not know how long this is going to carry on for and just how hard hit we will be with loss of earnings. Our safety nets of cash were used when we had time in hospital and time off with the loss of your sisters Kora and Ava and then the loss again from the other 2 embryos and an operation to remove the tube and baby.

Your daddy and I have only been married 9 months! In the two years 3 months we have been together we have been through 3 pregnancies, 1 pregnancy loss of identical twins Kora and Ava, their cremation, a biochemistry miscarriage, a pregnancy loss of twins ended by an operation and now a pandemic where we are not supported financially.

My heart is broken! I have a constant internal debate about whether I would even want you to grow in a world like this where so often we have witnessed ignorance and selfishness. People are being asked to stay at home (not a big ask if it saves lives) your daddy and I were asked to stop trying for you. This was of course the right decision for now but a choice we weren’t allowed to make for ourselves.

I worry that if we are to face something like this again and just say Kora and Ava or you were here how could we protect you? I am fine with eating scraps and struggling to survive when it is your daddy and me but how could I cope if you were here? I’m thinking of a new career! I never want to be in a position where I can’t look after you. A position where I can’t give you Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

The way it stands at the moment we can give you the psychological and self fulfilment needs in abundance but we can’t meet your basic needs. As a responsible person I’m looking at what we can do to improve or change this situation.

I trained for 8 years to become a sign language interpreter studying at degree and PGDipolma level. I have given my heart and soul to the deaf community and love my job but the truth is I love you more!

So this pandemic is giving me lots of time to write and think and I’ve realised that if we get through this together, if the world shows kindness and strength then I would love you to be here. I will look at other options of employment or training. I will monitor if the Government hold your daddy’s and my job at the same level as the employed. I will look at doing another job in the evenings to pay back the money/debt that we owe for just wanting you.

I will look for the positive stories and community spirit that I believe is still there. We can’t all be greedy, self centred and selfish people. I BELIEVE in humanity and if you were here I would be teaching you this. Ultimately your daddy and I will find a way (maybe a new or different way).

But for now I rest easy with the knowledge that you are safely stored. I hold onto the kind hearted people and stories that I am seeing here and there. I am at peace with waiting for you. I have hope that when we go ahead the world will be in a better place and I will find solace in bringing you into a world that has mended.

Love your mummy. X