A question that makes me falter.
Let’s face it pregnancy loss or the death of a child is one of the hardest topics we have to face. It’s a taboo subject. Maybe because it’s not the norm for a child to die before their parents or maybe it’s the fear of this happening that prevents us from talking. So what do you say to someone who has recently been through a pregnancy loss?
I’d like to point out that I believe the majority of people are not malicious or unkind. I like to think that the comments people say are because they don’t know what else to say or they say it without taking the time to stop and think about it. I’m sure we have all been guilty of this (I know I have).
Sometimes we say standard remarks or questions to make small talk and they are considered the norm to ask. Often when I’m working particularly or when I meet new people I am asked “Do you have any children”? I am that age when I could very easily have children. It’s a question I hesitate with, I want to say yes I have children but how do you explain that they were all lost in pregnancy?
I am not scared to say that I have lots of children who unfortunately passed away. I am not ashamed to talk about my babies but I appreciate this conversation is very difficult for others. The reaction and almost fear I see in their faces let’s me know if they are ready for this conversation. It’s a strange and very upsetting situation to find yourself in. As a society it is publicly accepted to joyfully talk about your children and their milestones or the challenges of being a parent yet when that challenge or milestone is the loss of your baby or an anniversary you managed to get through it becomes taboo.
I would like to see a time when we are brave enough to listen or talk. Why shouldn’t Neil or I talk about our babies with the same enthusiasm and love that others talk about theirs? Why should people cringe or shy away when we say our babies names? When we talk about grief we fall into the norm of stating it is good to talk and remember the person that has passed. It helps the people left behind to have those fond memories or share those moments. Yet talking about our babies that passed before their time appears to be difficult for society.
If you are with someone who has had a pregnancy loss and they have the courage to talk about it then I ask you to listen. If they want to talk then it maybe helping them. Think before you ask a standard question like “Do you have children”? Be aware that fertility issues are more common then we care to talk about. Studies suggest that after 1 year of having unprotected sex, 12% to 15% of couples are unable to conceive, and after 2 years, 10% of couples still have not had a live-born baby. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss with 85% being in the first trimester.
Neil and I were of course in the other 15% and were in our second trimester with Kora and Ava. Our other losses were a biochemistry and another twin loss at 6 weeks 5 days falling in the 85% first trimester loss.
One of the first questions people seem to ask when I mention our loss of Kora and Ava is “How many weeks pregnant were you”? I’m unsure why people ask this. I have spoken with many women that have experienced a miscarriage and I hear their loss. Strangely even some of these women sometimes say comments like they were not as many weeks pregnant as me and didn’t have to deliver their babies so it’s not as hard as what we went through.
I find myself repeating myself to both these women and the others who ask the question how many weeks. From the moment a woman and man see the positive pregnancy test they become a parent. I know Neil and I had started building our nest immediately. We made it homely and safe. We took pride in choosing and designing our nursery. We travelled near and far to collect the furniture that we could afford on our budget.
As stated before, I am a planner and preparer so it was obvious I would start early with the above but even if these perspective parents haven’t done this they have instantly imagined their new future. They have looked around their home and imagined the change and their baby in their home. They have started to think about names. They have thought how they are going to share their news with their nearest and dearest. They have tried to work out their due date. They are expecting parents and it truly isn’t significant when the loss happens. It is a loss!
When my mother died people gracefully and sympathetically gave me their condolences. Why don’t we do this for someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss? Would it not be more comforting if we simply said I’m so sorry for your loss?
I don’t see why delivering my babies is deemed socially more difficult. I in fact find this more comforting. I have been so blessed to be pregnant, I have experienced labour and delivered my children. I have photos and hand and foot ink prints of them. I felt them move inside my belly. I got a small baby bump. There are women who long to have this. Women that can’t get pregnant or miscarry early.
I must admit I felt cheated at first and suffered horrendously with the loss and still do. I felt like so much had been taken from us. We would not hold our babies in our arms but rather in our palms for a short time. We would not know what colour eyes or hair they would have. We would not know how different they would be even though they would look identical. We did not have lots of memories to hold onto whilst grieving.
Then we had a biochemistry miscarriage! I have a video as I was going to create a pregnancy video log. This was due to losing Kora and Ava and wanting to appreciate every moment of any future pregnancy but also because not having our mums I realised that I had so many unanswered questions. Therefore I was going to create a video log for any future baby/babies.
The video is of Neil and myself in bed after just getting the positive on the test. We were elated! It was almost one year on from losing Kora and Ava. Two days later I felt different. I have always been good at reading my bodies signs when I have fallen pregnant. I expected the positive test on both occasions. So two days later when my heightened sense of smell disappeared and I had no nausea I wanted to test again. This test came back as negative. I was no longer pregnant. This is called a biochemistry miscarriage which many women have but don’t know they have had. This is because we were trying so I tested early (5 days before my period due date).
I had that familiar feeling of feeling cheated. Only this time all I had to show for this pregnancy was a photo of the positive pregnancy test and a video log of Neil and I. The kick while we were down was that my period came late and confirmed the test exactly one year to the date we were told Kora and Ava had no heartbeats.
We didn’t get any build up or the chance to share it was gone as soon as it arrived. Leaving us yet again heartbroken.
Our third pregnancy loss came following our first round of IVF. We didn’t make it to our official test day as I had a heavy bleed two days before. This is usually a sign that the embryos didn’t implant. This in itself is a loss! We knew the sperm had met the egg, and that they had fertilised and become blastocyst. All they had to do was implant and we had to wait 2 weeks to find out if they had. Unlike our other pregnancies we didn’t know if sperm had met the egg etc. IVF felt more optimistic for us.
Neil and I have faced so many challenges in our fertility journey so we were quick to progress and decide to go for round 2 of IVF. However I felt pregnant already. My sense of smell, nausea and weight gain were all telling me I was pregnant.
It was at the clinic when we were completing the paperwork for round 2 that we tested. It is the quickest I have ever seen the test change (even when I had twins before and my hcg would have been high). We went from sheer excitement and elation to the absolute heartbreak in just one scan! This was of course our heterotopic pregnancy.
The result was seeing the baby in my fallopian tube with their heartbeat at 6 weeks 5 days. It is the earliest scan we have had and I must admit it looked like a kidney bean with a flutter but there it was a BABY! Obviously I was taken into hospital and my tube and the baby was removed.
The same old familiar feeling of being cheated crept in. This time I was in pain physically and emotionally. What I found so hard about this pregnancy loss (I don’t know if Neil felt the same) was that it was so quick from finding out to losing. Not only that but this baby was put in an incinerator with my tube and probably lots of other people’s body parts and waste.
Suddenly I felt grateful again for Kora and Ava. Grateful for the cremation service, for holding them, for having just those few memories and photos, for getting to second trimester and feeling them move.
I guess what I’m trying to articulate is that how many weeks is really NOT important. A loss is a loss. There is no comparison and the heartbreak of losing a pregnancy is something so awful and soul destroying. After a pregnancy loss (regardless of how many weeks you were) life changes. You try to live in everyone’s world. You become a different person and work through your grief often unsupported professionally and unaccepted by a society that can’t bring themselves to talk about your loss. If you are one of those people that have experienced this then my heart truly resonates with you. I’m truly so sorry for YOUR loss.
Stars in the Sky 