Reflection in the mirror

When I got pregnant naturally the first time I was a healthy weight. I have always been the kind of woman who is harsh on herself. I think most of us are. You never see what others see in you and we are our own worst critic.

I have since fallen pregnant naturally again a year after Kora and Ava only to have a biochemistry miscarriage and then 4 months later fall pregnant with my first fresh embryo and frozen embryo transplant which resulted in a heterotopic pregnancy of twins. One of the things I have struggled with most has been the impact and changes to my body.

I know this sounds very vain (which I guess it is) but I’m sure lots of you resonate with me in regards to wanting to be happy in yourself and your appearance.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I have gained this weight due to lots of factors. One factor that people don’t realise is the fact I didn’t get to breastfeed or pump my milk. This helps your body to lose the baby weight. Another reason is my shape changed which I guess it would when expecting twins. My hips are broader and I have boobs (there are some advantages)! When I sit down I feel like those packets of ham with all the rolls!

Of course an obvious reason for weight gain was eating the wrong foods. When we were grieving intensely I found I would like a takeaways I didn’t have the desire, energy or fighting spirit to make a healthy dinner. We would pop to the pub or have a glass of wine at home in the evenings. I had to remind myself that I am in fact human and grieve doesn’t have a manual. Grieving children, I’ve found has been tough as it’s so isolating and people don’t really want to talk to me about our children. Therefore it’s easy to fall into staying indoors, withdrawing and indulging in the wrong foods and drink.

IVF medication probably had an impact on my efforts to lose the weight. The amount of medication I was injecting and the side effects really impacted me at times. It definitely impacted my relationship for a while. You can’t help it but you almost become a different person.

Also when injecting there are times when you are not allowed to have intercourse. In a way you lose a natural animalistic part of your relationship. Neil and I went through a particularly rough patch at this point and the impact on me was to hate the reflection in the mirror even more.

I would sit and cry whilst trying to apply make up wondering what was the point and who was I applying it for anyway. My figure is unrecognisable to me. I no longer see the person I use to see looking back at me.

My mind plays havoc with my self worth and confidence as I wonder how my husband can like or even lust over what he sees when I can’t stand the image before me.

I don’t know where to share these insecurities! At mother and baby groups you can hear the new mums talking about the changes to their bodies following childbirth. What group can I attend? I’ve never seen a group for mum’s who delivered their dead babies! Although Neil and I had been attending a support group (which is now unable to meet face to face due to Covid-19) I’ve never raised this issue as it feels so irrelevant compared to the loss.

I personally struggled as I felt a failure. I use to say to Neil that I would be more accepting to the changes to my body if I didn’t have empty arms. You always see advertising or positive posts on social media about embracing your body in relation to the mummy tummy, those stretch marks or the little bit of wee that may happen now when you cough or sneeze. Maybe it feels less significant when you are the proud mum of a living baby or more comforting and easier to accept. I’m only surmising as I don’t know what it’s like to bring home your living baby.

I also changed as a person to some extent. I’m fundamentally the same person but with additional layers of experience and emotions. I hope I’ve changed for the better. I hope I’m more understanding to others who have had experienced difficult or life changing situations. I hope I help others with my openness. However I fear that I have become a more sensitive and emotional person in private and ultimately towards Neil.

I sit in the nursery (very rarely) and I can get consumed with grieve and fear. Kora and Ava’s cot is bear, the Moses baskets are still in the cellophane and the travel cots are still in the boxes. Now with Covid-19 and not knowing when IVF will be allowed to start again I worry that the nursery will never be filled with babies. I know that I can’t feel or fear all this without it having an affect on me even if it’s just a quick wave of emotions.

Ultimately I feel as if a part of me is missing. A part that you can’t see in the mirror. A part of my heart broken and missing. I see a woman with a longing in her eyes. I see her strength but also her weaknesses. I see a woman who is patient and resilient. I see a woman who is so different to the one that stood there just 2 years ago.

I remind myself that I don’t judge people in their weight or the way they look so why do I judge myself so harshly! I’m sure others view me more sympathetically then I see myself.

I am blessed though to see my husband stood right beside me. I remind myself I am a 40 year old woman whose body and mind have gone through so much the last two years and it’s important to remember that. I have the love of my husband and they say love is blind so let’s hope it is or he shuts his eyes when in the throws of passion!