Ultimately I know that most people in the world don’t post anything on social media with malicious intent but rather to support each other or raise confidence especially at present with the pandemic. I admit it’s a very beautiful thing to do for each other.
However my heart breaks a little more when I see these posts. It’s another realisation that the world is not ready for the mum and father’s whose babies died.
Since the start of the pandemic there have been two posts circulating social media. One being a joke about the baby boom we can expect after the lockdown has finished. The other being challenge accepted regarding being a great mum. This one you tag friends in who have children and are a mum. It’s a celebration of all the wonderful mums in the world.
It’s like a knife to the heart for me! Not because I can’t appreciate and celebrate those wonderful mum’s and the newborns that might arrive but rather because it reminds me of what a taboo subject baby loss is. What’s more upsetting is that no one (not even my close friends who listen to my grief) would think to tag someone like me in. I’m not considered a mum because my children are not here.
Our second round of IVF was stopped just as we started injecting. We may not fall pregnant naturally (we have some fertility issues now following our first round of IVF). The decision to stop trying to conceive was not ours. Of course with a pandemic and unknown affects of pregnancy and babies we would not want to risk falling pregnant now (we already know loss of our babies). However the rest of the world continue and have a choice to conceive.
Yet the sad reality is I was a mother, and still am, long before most of my friends. I was a step mother and a foster Carer. I started my mothering at the difficult age of teenager. Yes straight in at the hormonal stage where the young person is finding out who they are! Then I delivered two beautiful identical twin girls (Kora and Ava). I also lost three other babies (another set of twins and a very early miscarriage).
So why do I get dismissed as a mother. I think the world has always struggled with the death of a child before the parent. I also feel that people don’t recognise you as a parent from the moment that stick says positive. We keep it quiet that we are pregnant till week 12 when the truth is if we are going to be that 1 in 4 then it will happen.
Maybe if we didn’t hide the fact we were pregnant the reality of loss would be a more common topic talked about. Maybe we wouldn’t be scared to approach the subject or to say we are sorry for your loss.
Neil and I waited till 12 weeks to announce our pregnancy with Kora and Ava yet we still had the earth shattering and heart breaking news to share at 19 weeks that we had delivered our children and were due to cremate them in the next few weeks.
I wish that one day early miscarriage and pregnancy loss is something we can talk about openly. I love to see your photos of your beautiful children and I celebrate with you what a wonderful mother or father you have become. I ask that you please allow me to talk and celebrate my children too. I ask that you see me as a mother.
So I am sending love and a challenge to all my friends that are the 1 in 4 that suffer a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. To the couples facing infertility. I challenge you to celebrate the person/mother/father you are. You are truly some of the strongest people I know. You are warriors and I respect you all.
Stars in the Sky 