Disappearing hope!

How often are you looking at the time? It’s strange that we have been forced into a situation where we stay in and often have little to do or struggle to get through the demands of the day. I think I have looked at my watch more times then ever before!

I fall in the category of less to do. I don’t have to juggle my job around the children and be their teacher too. I am the woman on the list that states person without children asks the time to check if it’s too early to have a wine or posts how clean their house is (I’ve not actually posted this)!

Don’t get me wrong, I somehow fill my day. I fill it with numerous activities that when asked I can’t quite recall my productivity! I undertake lots of things throughout the day and I do this to keep myself sane.

I would love to trade my position to be at home spending time with my children even I know I would be a shocking teacher and I certainly wouldn’t win an award for best mum.

Instead today I received a letter from our IVF clinic stating that they will not be starting any treatments before the end of May. This did not come as a shock to me. It’s frustrating as some of the main reasons are to reduce the demand on the NHS (I get it, I appreciate it but I wonder why others are allowed to conceive naturally during this time).

In the letter it stated that we should use this time to be healthy both mentally and physically to prepare for our IVF journey when it commences. This got me thinking. I don’t know anyone recently that was more prepared to become a parent then most of the people I know facing IVF.

We watch our weight, we take our vitamins, we don’t drink during ovulation to period and through any IVF rounds. We support each other when and where we can with the daily struggles each can face in this journey of infertility.

I personally exercise regularly and ensure I am relaxed about trying to conceive and our IVF rounds. It’s not easy but I consider I am quite good at it considering the desire to be a biological mother is and can be extreme.

I can’t explain the shift in my mindset since covid-19. I have never been very good at coping with things outside of my control yet I am very relaxed at the moment with this.

I don’t know if it’s because we are self employed and have no money to get by because our jobs stopped over night or if it’s because I have Alissa here with me (previous foster daughter) that I am supporting. Or maybe it’s because after our first round of IVF we ended up with fertility issues so our chances of falling pregnant naturally again have been significantly reduced with taking my age into consideration as well, or maybe it’s because somewhere in my mind I feel like my opportunity is disappearing.

I actually thought about dismantling the empty cot, packing the baby changer and other baby things away. I’m not giving up (I’m like a dog with a bone when my mind is made up) but I am accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about any of this.

I write this today from a calm place. A place where I am grateful for the fact I have been pregnant, I delivered my babies, I am a mum! Ask me tomorrow if I still feel the same and you could come across a woman on her knees in tears that my chances are slipping away right in front of my eyes. However for now I am the calm before the storm.