Pregnant 2-3 weeks

They say knowledge is power, well on this occasion I would argue it is more of a hindrance. Neil and I have been through so much trying to conceive, being pregnant and losing that we are now armed with facts most expectant people wouldn’t necessarily think about or know.

We kept taking the digital test as we knew the importance of the rise in HCG hormone. A rise indicates normally that everything with the pregnancy is progressing at the rate it should be. Low HCG or low rising HCG can be an indicator that something is not as it should be with the pregnancy. An example of this is an ectopic pregnancy when the embryo implants outside of the womb (usually in the tube). This of course is something Neil and I know only to well.

We kept taking tests for a few reasons. Firstly we wanted to keep seeing the positive as we had tested early therefore we needed to see it after aunt flow (period) was in fact late. Secondly we needed to know it hadn’t changed back to negative like before. Thirdly we took digital tests to ensure our HCG levels were rising.

This is where the problem arose. We got stuck on 2-3 weeks. I tested when we should have seen 3+ on the test. However we kept just seeing 2-3 weeks. Thoughts went through my head such as maybe this time I’m carrying just one baby so my levels are lower than normal for me. Maybe we were falling into the 3% who test and it isn’t accurate.

What was worrying me in particular was the lack of pregnancy symptoms. I had lost the metallic taste in my mouth, the nausea had gone, I wasn’t hungry and my sense of smell had lessened. I know that at 5 weeks it is normal for symptoms to come and go so I told myself and my husband that this doesn’t mean the worst.

But we were still very aware that the tests we were taken would show positive even if the embryo implanted in the tube or if we were in fact heading towards a miscarriage. We knew this from our past experiences where we have monitored how long it has taken for the HCG level to leave my body after our losses.

When we were pregnant last time when one of the embryos implanted in my tube, I had the operation on January 15th 2020. However my body still showed as pregnant till the 5th February 2020. It can take up to 11 weeks for the hormone not to show up on a test after a pregnancy loss especially if you were further along or carrying twins.

People who loved me and who I had told that I was pregnant kept saying to me not to worry. This is said of course with the best of intentions and love. It is also said because stress and worry is not good for any baby. I told myself exactly the same. Yet it is much easier said then done especially when you know as much as we do. My biggest fear was that the embryo had implanted in my one remaining tube. If this tube had to be removed then our only chance of getting pregnant again would be IVF.

I also told myself that we were in fact blessed to be pregnant again naturally with only 13.6% chance. We were in fact in a positive position. We were pregnant but we also had 4 frozen embryos in storage. We had more opportunity now then we have had before.

Neil said for him it would be the waiting that he would find frustrating. If we were to lose this natural pregnancy then we would have to wait a few months for my body to return to a normal cycle before we could start IVF. Obviously we had already waited for this IVF due to the pandemic so when they announced that clinics could open we might not be knocking on their door immediately.

For me it was the emotional and mental impact. Dealing with another loss just felt an impossible task. Physically my body had taken so much impact with four pregnancies in under 2 years yet it was my anxiety that was screaming out. I have never been a very anxious person. I have always managed to convince myself of the realistic outcomes and to remain positive.

This pregnancy I knew too much and as hard as I tried to tell myself I can’t do anything to change the outcome. I have lost early and past the so called 12 week mark that people anxiously anticipate to mean as a safety mark. What was going to be was going to be! I couldn’t stop worrying.

I wanted to be blissfully and naively happily pregnant like I was with Kora and Ava. When the world put rainbows in their windows I wanted to be carrying a healthy and safe rainbow of my own.