I sit here struggling with my emotions today. Many I can’t or don’t want to express publicly at the moment. I struggle because we as a society aren’t very good with approaching pregnancy loss.
It’s very British culture to keep that stiff upper lip or to make do and carry on. We have over the years struggled to discuss very sensitive topics such as dementia or cancer to name just a few. There was a time we referred to cancer as the c word rather than say the horrid full word.
I have learnt through my losses that how society views pregnancy loss is a mine field of complexities. I have spoken to people that believe someone who loses a baby (miscarries early before 12 weeks) can just carry on and try again. Even our professional medical service undermines the significance of a pregnancy under 12 weeks and even under 24 weeks.
The midwifery team do not get in contact until you are 12 weeks pregnant. If you have any worries or concerns you are passed to the gynecological department. A miscarriage or pregnancy loss at this stage or before the 24 weeks is classed as non viable.
Let’s look at the meaning non viable. The dictionary has two definitions for the term. The first meaning not feasible or practical. Can you imagine saying to a person who miscarries at say 9 weeks that their baby wasn’t feasible anyway. The second definition is medical – a fetus or unborn child) unable to survive independently after birth.
I feel personally that this term is horrendous. Kora and Ava’s heartbeats stopped in the womb as the cords tangled their necks and cut off their blood supply. They would not have survived after I delivered them because they had already passed! My other twin pregnancy which was heterotrophic and resulted in the baby being cut out with my fallopian tube.
Neil and I saw 3 out of 5 of our babies heartbeats. All our babies were very much viable to us and still are! From the moment we saw the positive pregnancy test we had a baby. For me I personally prefer to call it what it is and what it feels like which is a loss.
To me it’s not important at what point you suffered the pregnancy loss, a pregnancy is a pregnancy and whether my baby is the size of a blueberry or the size of a watermelon it’s in my womb, it’s my baby. We have loved it from the moment we saw the positive line!
I have heard people say things such as you can try again, you’re young enough or their is still time to have another. My losses (babies) have been referred to as stresses. People have also with good intentions longed for us to have a rainbow baby or babies.
We too would love to go full term and deliver a happy, healthy rainbow baby. It would mean the world to me to become the biological mum I’ve dreamed of becoming. However I need you all to know that if I am blessed with a rainbow baby this will be my 6th child. I will never stop grieving for the ones I have lost. They have made me who I am now. They have given me so much more than I was able to give them. I will love them all forever and will never forget any of them. I will grieve them for a lifetime even if their lifetime was far too short.
Stars in the Sky 