I don’t know how to live in your world.

I know from various online and face to face groups that what I am feeling is ‘normal’. Today I am struggling. I don’t know if it’s me and my expectations. I don’t know if I’m too sensitive. I don’t know if it’s just grief. Today my tears just keep coming. I don’t know if it’s because it’s my mums birthday soon and the anniversaries of Kora and Ava are coming round fast.

My mum used to tell me that I had a heart of pure gold. She told me I was the most caring and considerate person she had ever met and she wasn’t sure how her and my dad had made someone like me. She used to joke I must have come from someone else.

I never really understood what she meant as I have faith in human nature and I always try and give people the benefit of the doubt. However at the moment I’m left feeling let down and I’m not sure if it’s ok to be feeling this.

People pass comments which is human nature. Whether we say something in haste or say something just to say something or make an acknowledgement. Maybe we mean well but say something with little thought. What I think I find hardest is when people maybe don’t understand or don’t acknowledge.

I feel most let down by those i consider family and friends. I’m not sure if it’s because they are who they are (a certain personality or character) or if they truly have no understanding just how hard the last two years have been.

When we cremated Kora and Ava we chose to have a small funeral inclusive of just myself, Neil and Amy (the twins sister/Neil’s other biological daughter). However we had a gathering at our house afterwards to celebrate their lives. I wanted to show the funeral service leaflet which included everything we said. I wanted to grieve and share my emotions.

My father declined to read the service leaflet with the statement “you know me I’m not that way”. What he was saying is that he didn’t want to read it as he doesn’t deal with life or death the same way as I do. I understood and I love him (faults and all) but in that moment I felt crushed. I needed him to read it for me, to help me, to maybe have an understanding of the loss I was feeling.

My first Mother’s Day without both my mum and Kora and Ava felt monumental to me. My brother invited my husband to a football match that was on that day. I couldn’t help myself and I said round the table to my husband that the match was on Morher’s Day so he politely declined the offer. My father said “I hope you are not that morbid about Father’s Day when I’m gone”.

It was the assumption that I was mourning my mum (I usually celebrate my mum on Mother’s Day) without any thought that actually this was my first time as a biological mother facing a day that celebrates this but with no babies to hold, no card from my children. It was the fact that they were not considered that crushed me. My father was of course apologetic when I highlighted this. I couldn’t help but feel sad though because if my own father can’t recognise the significance then how can I expect the wider society to truly understand.

My brother made a comment that “I should get over the twins”. We have spoken in depth about this and he very kindly and honestly stated he said it without thinking and regretted it as soon as it came out of his mouth. The sad truth is it is the opinion of some. There is such a lack of discussion, support and understanding to pregnancy loss, still birth, miscarriage etc that it is hard for others to understand.

I guess it’s like so many things that until you experience it yourself some people are just not able to empathise or appreciate the situation. I also feel this particular subject is taboo and avoided.

Friends that were very close to me became very distant. I went from seeing them weekly to seeing them once every six months. Texts stopped coming, replies took weeks. It has knocked my confidence as I wondered if I had changed that much by my experiences that I was no longer worthy of their friendship.

The year anniversary came and went and nobody contacted my husband or I until I marked it on social media. No one remembered their delivery date. I wondered if I was expecting too much for a grandad, aunt, uncle or close friend to remember this.

Some family members (not just blood ones but through marriage) did not pass on their sympathy. As the year went on there was no check to see if we were ok. One Christmas a family member talked about how tough the year had been for them with the loss of a good friend. It was a devastating situation and the person had died young. My heart felt for her and her grief but at the same time I sat there wondering how someone can feel this grief so deeply yet not really acknowledge or check up on her own family member when they cremated their daughters.

Family gatherings have become so hard! I attend but I find them so difficult. People avoid us or don’t talk about Kora and Ava. I once summoned so much strength to offer to help hold someone’s baby at a gathering only to be declined without a second thought. This was the first baby I had offered to hold. Something I find very challenging as I don’t get to hold ours.

Being pregnant again was also hard. I have struggled with this. When a young family member offered a comment about how my hair will get thick whilst pregnant and then look terrible after birth I had to hold back my emotions. I am an older woman than her. I have been a mother for years to teenagers with very upsetting and difficult childhoods. I have been pregnant more times than anyone I know within a two year period. I have been through labour and delivered my children. I have been pregnant and reached both first and second trimester. I know what happens when you’re blessed to be pregnant.

I also had a friend ask if she had been supportive. I didn’t know how to answer. Three phone calls in two years of which I made contact and called on all three occasions. One of these phone calls we talked about the girls the other two I listened to her distressing situation. The third phone call I had just come out of hospital following an operation to remove the other twin and my tube but I didn’t even have the opportunity to talk about it as she was down and it felt inappropriate to burden her with my troubles.

Even my husband and I grieve very differently. Another way that this can be so challenging. Neither is right or wrong and as humans we cope and survive how we have to. We have different past experiences. He is a biological father already. He doesn’t remember significant dates whereas they resonate so vividly to me. We are different and how we cope is different. However, I know I wouldn’t want to face this with anyone other than him.

This is most definitely my most negative post. I thought about whether to post. I do not want to offend my friends and family and I mean no maliciousness with this post. Then I thought about it again and it dawned on me that the people I have mentioned probably don’t read my blog anyway. If they do they don’t comment or send a text. They don’t mention it to my face. They haven’t shared it when I ask and state how how important it is to me. They haven’t been in much contact since the girls were cremated so the chances of them seeing this is very remote.

On a more positive note, I have found support in places and people that I never knew cared so much. I have had some lovely moments where I have been blown away by some people’s understanding and support. I was attending a support group before covid19. I guess like most people the negative is harder to swallow and can sometimes have more impact emotionally.

So today I sit here struggling. Feeling more isolated and alone in a grief that is truly hard to navigate. I just don’t know how to how to live in your world. I don’t know how to be a grieving parent and a possibly a future biological mum. I don’t know how to raise this topic and make it one we can talk about so this doesn’t feel so very very lonely.