It’s Father’s Day and I wanted to take time out to acknowledge my husband, a dad to his beautiful 21 year old daughter Amy, a foster father to Alissa and a father to 6 angels.
I have learnt through our fertility journey just how difficult it is for the man. I believe as a society most people automatically empathise with the woman who is miscarrying. I understand that as the woman I have carried the baby and now my body has to either deliver the babies or miscarry them but they were also Neil’s babies.
We once went for a second scan when we had our heterotopic pregnancy and the student nurse tried to comfort me by holding my hand. Neil was pushed into a corner so I politely asked the student if he could let go so I could hold my husbands hand.
When we talk about our pregnancy loss or when we inform friends and family, most contact me with a sympathetic message. This is of course with the best of intentions but often (not always) Neil is forgotten.
We have been in hospital and professionals have looked me in the eyes and said how sorry they are for my loss. Neil can be sat next to me yet the message is directed to me the mother.
I have carried our 6 angels and every time I have known I am pregnant before my missed period. I have also known when my body changes and I fear the loss and those words sorry there is no heartbeat(S). I have recognised that my sense of smell has decreased, or my hunger has gone and other little tell tale signs that I might have lost another baby.
I try to talk openly to Neil with how I am feeling as it must be so difficult for him in our early pregnancy. He does not have changes to his body or any pregnancy signs that gives him an indication of how the pregnancy is progressing (other than my hormones and moods)!
When we were sorting the funeral for Kora and Ava the paperwork that had to be signed at the hospital only had a space for the mother to sign. When we questioned this the hospital stated it was because there is always a mother and she is always known.
It often feels like Neil is the outsider in our pregnancies. This has been even more impacted on our most recent loss during Covid19 where he has not been allowed to attend any appointments with me. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it has been on him to not be by my side when dealing yet another loss.
When we think we have experienced so much with pregnancy loss, fertility, IVF etc we are surprised that we face yet more different challenges or circumstances.
Our relationship has evolved from mad nights out and dinner dates to hovering over the toilet with the loo brush in hand dissecting what has fallen out of my vagina, trying to determine if it is in fact the sac and baby.
Our relationship has changed from sneaking to the toilet to let off wind so he doesn’t hear or smell it, to him sat by my side at the scene of what looked like something from a horror film after delivering Kora and Ava. I question how this man still finds me a sexually viable candidate!
The strength and courage of this man amazes me everyday. His openness and willingness to support in the most difficult of times. The way he approaches his fears of another pregnancy or another loss. The way he makes sure he is around to carry out an injection (I think he secretly likes doing that to me) or frees his time to attend more appointments. His often silent but strong approach which shines with hope and positivity where others would faulter.
So on a day when others recognised with their children the Father’s, I want to shout out to all the Fathers’ to angels, to the men that also go through fertility journeys and pregnancy losses. I want to recognise all the men wanting to be fathers and possibly struggling and to the men who for some fertility reason can not be a father. To the men that adopt or foster you truly are appreciated and special.
I want to shout out to my amazing husband Neil who is not only a fantastic biological father but also a foster carer and a father to angels.
Stars in the Sky 