Pregnant 2-3 weeks! This is the result we normally want to see on the test. The amount of times I have peed on a stick and we have waited with baited breath to see the result.
What many don’t realise is that when you miscarry or have a pregnancy loss, it takes time for the pregnancy hormone to leave your body. The HCG hormone will still be prevalent for up to 11 weeks depending on how many weeks pregnant you were.
We did another test today with a heavy heart. It’s a test that you know you are going to pass but it’s going to be a false result. It’s a surreal and abstract part of our fertility journey. Normally we would hope and pray that we would see Pregnant or two lines however on this occasion we are hoping for Not Pregnant.
We need my body to return to a normality so that we can think about our future. If we want to try again naturally or undertake our second IVF cycle then we need my body to recognise it is no longer pregnant.
It’s heartbreaking when you are grieving the loss of another baby. We heard the words sorry there is no heartbeat after we had seen the heartbeat only two weeks earlier. Our minds and hearts are processing another loss and we are very aware of our situation but it’s like my body still hasn’t got the memo.
Sometimes I feel so betrayed by my body. It holds onto the babies when they have died. The medication to induce labour doesn’t work. It seems so cruel that it’s so good at safeguarding our babies yet the heartbeats have stopped. This pregnancy test should be showing 1-2 weeks pregnant as we were 8 weeks pregnant this time when we found out the baby had died. This is deemed as an early miscarriage and the hormone should reduce quickly in my body.
As I have been pregnant on 2 out 4 occasions with twins the hormone has taken longer to reduce as it would have been high in a multiple pregnancy. We were carrying a singleton this time so my hormone levels should (according to medical professionals) reduce more rapidly.
In January 2020 after the surgery for our heterotopic pregnancy my hormone levels took nearly 4 weeks to disappear. This time appears to be going the same way.
So what does this mean? It means waiting! What we have learnt is that trying to conceive, the wait to test, falling pregnant and losing babies involves more waiting then we ever anticipated and usually completely out of our control.
My body will not ovulate all the time it believes it is still pregnant. We can not get pregnant naturally while my body believes it’s pregnant still. We have to wait for my next menstrual cycle before we can undertake IVF again if that is what we are choosing to do. The medical professionals would also recommend waiting for the next menstrual cycle to start trying to conceive either way.
Most importantly it is very draining both physically and emotionally. People are very aware that pregnant woman’s hormones are “everywhere”. They don’t judge and they understand but people don’t recognise that losing your baby and still presenting as pregnant means you are contending with both grief and pregnancy hormones.
I know some of my closest friends had no idea that we would still get a pregnant result after losing and they weren’t aware that the HCG hormone stays around for sometime after. As I always say we know what we know. If you have not been around people that have lost babies or if you have never lost yourself and because pregnancy loss is not talked about as it’s still such a taboo subject then how are you to know?
So let me help you to know and understand this…
You might find me quick to snap, irritable, a sobbing mess, quiet, angry or managing. Please be kind and remember my body is pregnant, my mind is full and heart is empty!
Stars in the Sky 