Are you ok?

A very British question that is often asked frequently and as part of our everyday general conversation and greetings. It is a question that has always bothered me particularly with our British culture of having a stiff upper lip (showing fortitude and stoicism in the face of adversity, or exercising great self-restraint in the expression of emotion).

What is the intention in this question, are you ok? Is the person generally asking or genuinely interested? Is it the norm to ask and expect a nonsensical response? Is it just something we say in politeness when we in fact are unaffiliated with any response?

My phone has barely rung since the loss of our 6th baby and although it has pinged with numerous texts, on the whole they have felt noncommittal or a gesture that is to make the sender feel that they have done their duty (so to speak) rather than for the recipient.

This is not to say that there hasn’t been a handful of very kind gestures and well intentioned actions to which we are grateful about. We also understand that with everything going on and nothing being the way we were used to, times are difficult for all and everything is relative.

There has recently been many advertisements and raising awareness around mental health, (rightfully so). It is a start however I think most would agree there is much more work to be carried out within this topic especially in regards to increasing knowledge and understanding. Yet infertility, grief of pregnancy loss, babies or miscarriage is still to reach even this point. We have found that through our pregnancy losses that people would rather avoid talking or listening.

The most recent advert around mental health has people with sticky notes on their heads with a word that expresses a feeling or emotion. The advert is predominantly around talking and expressing ourselves. The concept of its ok to not be ok. An openness to discuss a difficult situation. The opposite to that British stiff upper lip concept.

Yet my finger hovers over the keys as I wonder how to answer that question “Are you ok”? I wonder if it was the easy option in this busy world to drop a text or a message rather than to spend some time listening. I wonder if the person has messaged this as they can’t face listening to me. I wonder if they feel happier in themselves for being the caring person to quickly send the message without that burden of actually hearing my pain.

I consider messaging back a very true and heartfelt account as to why I am not ok. It’s been under two weeks since we lost another baby so no, I am not ok. I am not ok as some believe time is a healer and it is two weeks since we were told I’m sorry there is no heartbeat and it was an early loss anyway.

I am not ok as it was my 6th baby. It does not get any easier and every loss has been as earth shattering and heartbreaking as the loss before. I haven’t miraculously gained a coat of armour that protects me from the grief and loss. It’s not something that I have come accustomed to, nor will it ever be.

With an anxious heart and mind I allowed myself to get excited to think that maybe just maybe I will hold this baby in my arms. That maybe just maybe I will be the sleep deprived parent that wants to post or state how tiered I am. That maybe just maybe I might be the parent that shows off the photos of my beautiful bundle of joy. We all know that this was not the case so no, I’m not ok.

We might have a plan and we might be positive people who appear to be resilient but ultimately no, I am not ok. I am not ok with the comments like “you still have time”, “you are still young”, “I am sure you will have another one”.

Firstly, how are you sure? Can you see into my future? Do you know the reasons medically or any other reason why this happened? Can you guarantee that a future pregnancy will result in me bringing a biological bundle of joy home? If your mother, father or partner dies, you could not imagine someone suggesting they can be replaced or another might come along. Yet it is deemed ok to suggest this to me a grieving mother that somehow a rainbow baby will make our losses seem less significant!

No, I am not ok as this has been the hardest loss to deal with due to lockdown. I have not been able to have my husband at my side during hospital and medical appointments. I have not been able to have a friend pop round for a cup of tea and sit in my house. I have not been able to have a cuddle from my closest friends and family outside of my household. I have not been able to call my mum and talk about what we are going through as she died nearly six years ago. Neil and I have not been able to go for a nice meal to have quality time together in a ‘normal’ setting as we have done previously just to feel like the couple that haven’t lost a baby (again).

Today I am having a difficult day. Everything seems too much. Whether it’s the time of year, the restrictions of lockdown and loss of freedom, the pregnancy hormones that still haven’t dispersed or the build up of feelings and emotions and the lack of personal connections and interactions. Maybe it’s all of the above and more.

Today I burst into tears in Tesco when I was challenged for going down the aisle the wrong way by a staff member. It was an oversight on my part and a mistake because my mind was all over the place. Of course he (the staff) had no idea how hard it was for me to queue to get food essentials and face the public. He had no idea how hard it was for me to get out of bed and put on the brave face as I went about my daily chores. He had no idea as I turned the corner and burst into tears.

So in answer to your question, no I am not ok. I want you to know that if I ask you at any point if you are ok then I do genuinely care and I want to listen. I hope that I am the person that picks up the phone or sends more than just a message or text at a difficult time. I want you to know that you can answer the question honestly and I will ask it again without the fear of your response.

I can’t guarantee that I will always get my response right after all I am human too. But I promise you I will be kind and I will try. I will listen and I will try to be the person that gives you my time no matter how busy my life is. So if you want to honestly open up to me then I am there for you even though I’m not ok.