Couples who embark on IVF know exactly what is meant by day 1. It usually signifies the start of your menstrual cycle and the start of a round of IVF.
Following Neil’s and my miscarriage we have been waiting for Day 1 so we could start our IVF round. On Sunday we believed that our Day 1 had arrived. However I have still not seen a Not Pregnant on any test yet. Therefore I asked the IVF clinic if they would scan me to make sure that my womb was ready to accept the embryos.
Unfortunately the news was not great yesterday when we went at 7:30am for the scan. It showed lots of “retained products” (tissue, blood, placenta, baby etc). My scan at the hospital a few weeks ago had stated my lining of my womb was at 15mm. If it had been 16mm then they would have taken me for what people know as a D&C (it’s where they clear the products out themselves).
This scan shows that my lining is at 19.6. The IVF clinic stated that the hospital should now undertake the procedure to remove the products. So off to the hospital I went on my own again due to Covid19.
The hospital in my area will not accept a report or referral from another clinic without scanning themselves. When I rang the hospital it resulted in a very frustrating conversation which left me in floods of tears and looking like that wailing banshee I have often described.
This was because the hospital didn’t see me as urgent (however they had before at the start). They were talking about a wait of about a week and half IF they even decided to carry out the procedure. I was very confused, frustrated and upset. I wanted to know for sure what was happening and have a plan in place. This miscarriage has carried on for 5 and a half weeks now.
People make the assumption that as a woman trying to conceive I am obsessive about having a baby. I expect there are people on my social media that think all I talk about is having a baby due to this blog. This is not an accurate observation. I write my blog because I hope that it will help others. I hope to raise awareness and break down the taboo.
Neil and I have always stated that what will be, will be. We have a plan B that involves just us and not a biological baby/babies. I do not sit at home on my own and cry everyday because we don’t have a baby (it’s fine if that is you and how you cope – no judgment from me). I don’t secretly buy baby clothes or have a journal that I keep with ideas and plans for the baby. Again if you do then please know that I understand and believe that everyone is different and everyone copes and deals in different ways.
For me I just want to have the opportunity to grieve this loss and get back to being me for a while. My hormones are all over the place and I don’t feel like myself. I like to know what is going on with my body and to have a plan in place.
The hospital scanned me themselves and the sonogropher stated that the scan looked very different from last time. She said she doesn’t want to raise my hopes but she thinks what she is seeing is the start of a new pregnancy.
The IVF clinic (when I asked if there was any chance I had fallen pregnant again as I don’t want to have a D&C if I have) told me that the likelihood of me being pregnant was almost impossible as there was no where for the embryo to stick due to the remaining products.
The sonographer at the IVF clinic had stated that I had ovulated from my left side as I have a cyst on my left ovary. The NHS sonographer stated that I had definitely ovulated from my right side.
Why is any of this even important? Well as you know in January 2020 following my heterotopic pregnancy I had my left fallopian tube removed. Therefore if I ovulate from my left ovary then my right fallopian tube has to move across to pick up the egg. Not impossible but makes it less likely for me to conceive from that side.
The sonographer at the NHS was lovely and had a beautiful work attitude yet interestingly I picked up on the “I don’t want to raise your hopes” comment. It was there again that assumption that Neil and I were so desperate for a baby and this would be the best news.
The truth is the statement scared me. My womb did not look a healthy place for a baby to grow. My heart is still grieving and my hormones have not settled from the miscarriage. We also have spoken and feel that a second round of IVF would be the most positive way for us to conceive. We would not only be monitored by the IVF clinic but also the NHS.
This is not to say that if I was in fact pregnant again that quickly that Neil and I would not embrace it and do our best to get the right support.
After the scan I saw a consultant. I spoke with him and said that I thought the likelihood of being pregnant was low. The consultant would interrupt me and stated that he is an optimist and does not look at statistics. He is sure that what he is looking at on the scan is in fact a sac. Therefore he would like a blood test and another scan a week later to see if a yolk is in the sac making it a viable pregnancy.
Neil and I have been very confused during this miscarriage as the clinic and NHS seem to differ with their opinions in relation to what is happening internally and what is the best for my body. In the meantime I have started bleeding again and have pains.
The hospital rang later that day to say that my HCG level had declined to 29. As stated previously when it gets to 25 or lower I will show as Not Pregnant on a test. This made Neil and I question what the NHS are seeing as if I was early stages pregnant my HCG level would be rising.
I told the hospital that since the scan I have been bleeding and have pains. I was told that if I was concerned I should visit the B4 ward to see the consultant. They also told us that they would not repeat the blood test until the following day. Neil and I had no idea if I should or should not be going to the hospital!
I am due to go to the hospital today for the next blood test but I already know the level has dropped. I took another pregnancy test today and for the first time since losing our baby it said Not Pregnant. I assume that the hospital will now scan me again and look at possibly dealing with the remaining products now.
What I do know is it has been a very long and tough 5 and a half weeks! I have visited clinics and hospitals countless of times on my own dealing with another loss. Neil has had to wait for a phone call to be informed about what has happened or what should happen.
I know that every loss has been heartbreaking and very different. I know that you can’t compare each loss and that how your body copes after is not the same. I know that the amount of weeks you were pregnant is irrelevant when you are facing a loss.
I know that a early miscarriage is not a quick process as some believe. I know that the impact physically and emotionally is something people do not recognise.
I know that the medical terminology used can be distressing in itself. The difference in professional opinions can be frustrating. I know now that my relationship and marriage is not talking romantically over candlelight dinners but rather discussing medical processes and plans whilst also speaking about whatever substances have passed through my vagina!
I know that what we have endured whilst trying to conceive would have broken some people and relationships. So I know I’m lucky to have my resilient husband and beautiful step and foster daughters. I know that we have made it through everyday together. I know that somewhere amongst all of this we have as a family still loved and laughed.
I know that WE know that what will be, will be but that WE will be okay.
Stars in the Sky 