The Right Support

As a self reflective woman, step and foster mum I strive to make sure my well being is cared for. I actively seek the support that I feel I might need to ensure that my emotions and state of mind do not affect those closet to me.

It’s very difficult to know when my mood and emotions are heightened and when to seek the support I need but I think I have managed to remain positive but realistic and have recognised when I need space, time, a chance to talk or even to cry.

I am human and I have to remind myself that at times it is ok to have cried in front of my step or foster daughter. That it is ok to grieve and struggle on occasions when what we have suffered is the loss of our children. It is also ok to laugh and smile with them whilst a pang of guilt strikes at your heart for doing so knowing your other children won’t ever experience that.

If I’m honest I never really know who to ask for support. I often talk to my one very close friend about our losses and fertility journey. Yet somehow later on I feel terrible as I think that she must be so fed up with listening about my fears, worries, losses etc. I hear my voice ringing in my ears and wonder if I asked enough about her day! I’m also aware that she has not had children and probably never will so a pang of guilt strikes again as I wonder if I’m being selfish talking about something she won’t have the opportunity to experience.

I rang the counsellor at the IVF clinic after the loss of our second set of twins. I thought that I might want or need professional counselling at that time. I had one session which helped at the time to reflect and express myself. I never rang again. I guess I wasn’t sure what support I needed from a counsellor or if it matched my needs.

It’s good to talk as people say but counselling is about one person talking and another listening. I was aware that the support I was seeking was probably more sympathetic and understanding through shared/similar experiences.

We have gone to a support group run by a charity for still births and neonatal deaths. Again I was not sure if this was exactly the support I needed and it took us a lot of courage to walk through those doors the first time. I’m glad we did as it was helpful to listen to others experiences of loss and how they cope immediately and over the years.

However I also felt the odd one out again. Most of the women in the group were younger than me, most of them had never undertook IVF as well as having natural pregnancies. When we were there no one in the support group had lost twins. I wanted to relate to someone a little more than I felt at that moment.

At the start of the group they light a candle for their babies they have lost. This is a beautiful symbol and not forced on anyone in the group. We chose not to light candles as we battled internally with lighting one for Kora and Ava or two as they were of course individual babies. We also weren’t sure if our other miscarriage/pregnancy losses were deemed significant within this support group.

I count myself as having 6 biological babies of which the majority I saw their heartbeats but medically none of my babies went past the 24 weeks where they are classed as a viable fetus (terminology I find very upsetting). Even delivering and cremating our children they were still deemed as non viable and labelled as such on forms and medical records.

When we lost the other twins following IVF we were not given any information, advice or support details. It was when I looked on the internet for answers that I found the ectopic pregnancy support group. Again this was not an exact match to our needs as ours was a heterotopic pregnancy but it did provide me with some facts.

This current miscarriage at 8 weeks I was given a card for a miscarriage support group. I found the courage to talk to the nurse and express that I’m not really sure which support group I should access. We don’t seem to fit exactly into any of the groups. Our losses have all been very different and often in the rare statistics.

Throughout all of our losses I have wanted ultimately to talk to someone who has been through similar. What I have learnt is that fertility is still very unknown in the research and medical field and it seems that most losses are very different from each other although there are the norms (none of which we have fitted into).

I’ve realised that professionals and support groups are appreciated and can at times be the right method of support but ultimately I talk to Neil and my closet friend. I find that knowing me as a person and knowing what we have been through makes it easier to talk.

I recently spoke with a nurse on the gynaecology ward and she was very honest in relation to her understanding and experiences with pregnancy loss. She stated that I was more knowledgeable and had taught her a great deal in the short space of time we spoke.

It’s a strange concept to be more knowledgeable in a medical area than a professional as it’s not a training course I would have ever chosen to undertake. It’s frustrating having to go over the background of losses and have to explain again the complexities of our fertility journey.

It’s difficult to talk to friends who have little or no understanding no matter how sympathetic they are as you feel like you have to explain your emotions or justify them. That’s no ones fault, it’s just hard.

I lay my heart on the line when writing in the hopes that it helps others but that doesn’t mean that by reading the blog you have a full understanding of where I am or how I feel. This is not the window to my soul and as a human being everyday can bring a different challenge or range of emotions.

This is just a snippet of our lives, coping with the losses. It’s a chance to show the ups and the downs, the tears and the laughter the strength and the struggles. It’s an honest account of a moment in time.