A Letter To Heaven,

Mum,

It’s been nearly six years since you passed away. In some ways it has seemed so much longer and in other ways I’m not sure where that time has gone.

In the time you have passed I have married the most wonderful man that I wish you had met. You would love him on the odd occasion when he adds alcohol and would have danced endlessly with you. I think you would just have loved him full stop for how kind he is to me and how much he loves me.

I also have a step daughter Amy and foster daughter Alissa that I know you would have embraced and loved. I think you would have fallen head over heels with my family. You would have loved spending time in our home especially with all the laughter.

For me what I find very difficult is the fact that on your death bed you said you had no regrets other than you wouldn’t get to hold your grandchildren. I wish so much that I could let you know that you have grandchildren both biological and non biological.

I can’t imagine your reaction when I would have told you that I was pregnant with identical twin girls. I’m so glad I got to tell my dad and caught it on video to treasure forever. I wish I had the pleasure of telling you.

We never expected that our fertility journey would be so heartbreaking. We were so lucky to have fallen pregnant naturally within the first month of trying.

Becoming pregnant made me full of questions for you that I just don’t know the answers to. I’ll never know if you had a miscarriage, or what your symptoms were when you were pregnant. I’ll never know what age you were when menopause hit you. I don’t know how you told your parents you were pregnant. I can’t remember how long your labours were but I do remember I was born within one hour.

I feel like there is so much I want to say to you and so much more I want to ask. I feel cheated that you died so young. I have never longed to talk to you more than I have now. I wonder what you would have thought about our pregnancies and IVF.

It makes me sad to think that if we are blessed to have babies that survive they will not have any biological grandmothers. I’m so glad that your sister will adopt them like a nan and I think this would make you very happy too. We are blessed to have biological grandads who we are sure will spoil them with love!

I wonder if you would be proud of us and how we have managed our losses. I wonder how many tears you would have shed with us. I’d love to show our photos of Kora and Ava to you and talk through the list of names for any babies that we might have. I would have loved to shop for baby things with you.

Ultimately I would have liked to have you by my side when we have been told there were no heartbeats. I wanted your reassurance before the operation to remove my tube and one of the twins in January this year. I wanted to cry my eyes out embraced in your arms when we were told again just 2 months ago that another of your grandchildren’s heart had stopped.

I guess no matter what our age if we were blessed with a loving mum then we always want them especially when things get tough. I know I am fortunate to have a loving relationship and some extremely special people in my life but my heart still longs for you. No amount of time has made this easier and it never will particularly now that I am a biological mum myself.

I know that as we progress I will only have more questions that won’t be answered. It’s a tough learning curve on my own but it is what it is. I will use my wonderful support network and hope that somehow I manage.

Love you to the moon and back mum.