Side Effects!

We have now been injecting buserelin for two weeks. The first round of IVF I had some side effects on this injection, mainly mood swings and hot flushes. I went into this round believing I knew what to expect and how to prepare for the hormonal changes. A kind of been there got the t-shirt type thing.

There are some differences in our lives compared with when we started our first round. For one we were away in York visiting family when we were injecting first time. Maybe we were excited and relaxed or possibly a little naive to the process.

This time round we are juggling full time jobs and a weekend job as like many, Covid19 hit us hard financially being self employed. We are working 7 days a week most weeks to build up our finances again.

We also have our foster daughter who arrived at our house at the start of lockdown. Our door and hearts were open for her following a trauma she had experienced, we embraced her when neither she or us were getting any support from authorities. When money had stopped coming into our house, when we found out that we were indeed pregnant again, we all found a way to get through with extra mouths to feed.

We had not anticipated being foster parents and going through a rigorous assessment (inclusive of hours on the phone and home visits) and a panel meeting in the next few weeks to be approved foster carers. We are doing this solely for her as right now it is not something Neil and I would have chosen to undertake for anyone else.

She has been a important part of my life since she was 12 and it goes without saying that not only will I be there for her but so will Neil. I am in awe of my husband who so easily opened his arms and embraced our now extended family. I am proud of Amy (step daughter) for how she too has welcomed Alissa.

When we started our first round it was a year and four months after losing our identical twin girls Kora and Ava. It was also four months after a biochemistry miscarriage. We were all too aware of the cruel realities of pregnancy loss.

I remember saying to the nurse in the clinic that we have cremated our children so nothing we encounter can be any worse than that. It was an optimistic viewpoint about the fact that we could handle a failed IVF round.

However in December 2019 before our OTD (official test day) I had heavy bleeding otherwise assumed to be my period. We were told we did not need to take a test to know that our round had failed!

Yet as time progressed into January 2020 I kept saying to Neil that I felt pregnant. We were about to embark on our second round of IVF. We were at the clinic to sign the paperwork, we had purchased the drugs for the round. Neil asked if I could take a pregnancy test before we signed as I kept saying I felt pregnant.

The overwhelming joy when we saw the positive pregnancy test is almost too difficult to describe. Could it be that one of the embryos had survived?! As you know this was my second twin pregnancy (heterotopic pregnancy) where one twin miscarried as the other was in my tube.

The overwhelming joy turned to distraught when we saw the little heartbeat of our baby laying and growing perfectly in my tube. I am so fortunate that Neil listened to me and requested that test as I was in fact 6 weeks 5 days pregnant and I could have died if my tube had ruptured. I had no signs or symptoms that the baby was in my tube.

We never anticipated at the start of our IVF journey that I would in fact be taken into hospital for an operation to remove my tube and the baby. IVF has resulted for us, in causing reduced chances of conceiving naturally (ironic but true).

We learnt that we are grateful to have delivered and held Kora and Ava and have their photos and the what little memories we have. This baby following IVF was just incinerated with my tube and probably lots of other people’s body parts.

A harsh reality again that there really are no guarantees in trying to conceive and even when you think you have experienced so much you are challenged again by a different kind of loss. A wake up call like no other that IVF does not only result in a negative or positive result and that no pregnancy is guaranteed to bring a live birth.

So with our reduced chances of conceiving naturally our hopes and optimism were once again shattered with the cancellation of our second attempt at starting our second round of IVF, when clinics were shut due to Covid.

To fall naturally again in April 2020 was unbelievable with such little chance at my age and now having one tube. If you read my blog often then you know already that unfortunately after seeing the babies heartbeat at 6 weeks and 1 day we once again at 8 weeks heard the words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat”.

So maybe after having two pregnancies (three babies) in the year 2020 and now starting our third attempt at our second round of IVF we are indeed in a very different mindset and maybe this is why the side effects feel so different.

My last pregnancy I was full of anxiety. I was pregnant during a pandemic when we had hardly any work and very little salary. We were unsure what was happening in the world and because of the national scale of the pandemic medical resources were stretched. Of course a pregnant woman under 12 weeks was not a priority for the NHS regardless of the fact she had three previous pregnancy losses.

Recently my body was confirmed to be “text book ready” for IVF and both Neil and I felt mentally and emotionally stable to try again. It never ceases to amaze me how many times we have picked ourselves up and dusted ourselves off (albeit changed by our experiences) ready to face whatever is coming next.

So it might surprise you when I say that this round of IVF is hitting me harder than the first round. I am not just having hot flushes and mood swings!

Right now I should probably come with a warning tag. You know like the ones you find on chemical products. Only my warning tag would read…caution extreme fatigue resulting in grumpiness and lack of patience, unknown mood swings so approach with caution, may burst into tears at any given moment and finally avoid touching stomach area if you don’t want to get punched in the face!

I’m not sure if I’m finding it harder because of everything we have experienced and all that we are undertaking at present. I don’t know how I feel about this IVF round. Of course we both hope for a pregnancy and remain optimistic that there is no reason why it won’t happen.

We have more support this time from not only the IVF clinic who has put in extra precautions (lower implant and glue) and the NHS who have assured my that I won’t slip through any net regardless of what is happening in the world and they will monitor us carefully.

Yet I sit here writing this knowing that no matter what any of us do what will be, will be. I just hope that whatever the outcome is my husband doesn’t divorce me before then due to all the side effects and that we somehow we find the strength that is needed for either the one line or two line pregnancy test and whatever follows after that!