Human

Grieving whilst on hormone drugs and planning for the future is very difficult and conflicting. Yesterday (9th August) was two years since Neil and I went for another scan and were told that Kora and Ava had no heartbeats.

Since then we have lost many more babies and this seems to have added to my uncertainty about facing these anniversaries. We have so many dates that are now prevalent to us and each brings with them an array of emotions.

I often wonder if it is the fact that we got to second trimester with Kora and Ava that makes people think or remember them more. Maybe it’s the fact that we got to name them making it more personal when we talk fondly about them. Maybe it’s that we cremated them and people mourned this loss with us as they were aware of them for longer.

Is there a difference between the photos of our beautiful twin girls after we delivered them on the 19th August 2018 and say the video of the babies heartbeat that we just miscarried? Does one hold more significance than the other in the eyes of others?

I have struggled yesterday with whether to write or post anything about our beautiful twins. Now I sit here feeling guilty as if I let the day pass without saying their names outside of our home!

Last year we miscarried our third baby on this exact date (9th August). It felt surreal to be miscarrying on the same date a year later with another baby we wouldn’t get to hold in our arms.

This year I can’t help but think that I would have been four months pregnant with the baby we just miscarried. However instead we are in the middle of our IVF, injecting everyday and taking pills to prepare my body for potentially a fifth pregnancy.

We have never been ones to mourn our losses as such. Instead we talk openly, we celebrate what each one has given us and we cherish whatever little memories we have. We try to radiate positivity and fill our lives with love and laughter.

We are also human and we have suffered significant loss. I tell myself it’s ok to have a bad day or a few tears. Who wouldn’t if they were in our position.

So I decided today to reflect on where we were when we heard those awful words that our girls had no heartbeats to where we are now. It is probably not my best decision with my body pumped with hormones!

I started by looking at what little keepsakes we have of the girls. I very rarely get anything out of the box as I can see them clearly when I close my eyes. It’s like they are forever embedded into my heart and mind.

Below is a picture of their hand and foot prints. It’s another keepsake I feel blessed to have following our other losses where we have so much less to cherish. They were so tiny as they were twins and of course because they were sharing a sac.

That’s when I came across our funeral service book for the cremation. I quietly sat and read it to myself with some tears escaping. Neil and I both wrote a speech to say at the service. We kept our words secret from each other until the day of the cremation.

What I found so profound was that immediately in the grip of grief both mine and Neil’s words resonate positivity and love. In what was the darkest of days I can somehow see our love and hope.

It may sometimes feel so much longer than two years with all our subsequent losses. We have been through so much since losing Kora and Ava. Time has definitely not been a healer but love and laughter has helped us along the way.

We have come to terms that it’s ok to speak your names, it’s ok to struggle to speak your names, it’s ok to have not known your names. It doesn’t matter how many weeks you were in our lives but how much your life impacted ours and will forever more.

So however we decide to spend the day on anniversaries, whether we speak your names to the world or quietly hide away, you need to know that not a day goes by where you don’t touch our lives and hearts.

So Kora and Ava on your two year anniversary and in the words of Neil…

I never had the chance to show you the love I had to give you both, but that love will always be there in my heart and I will never let it fade. You have been by each other’s side from the very first day and you will be forever more. Goodbye my angels – it’s time to fly.