Doubts

I asked Neil to stop the medication and injections the morning after the two year anniversary of delivering Kora and Ava. We hadn’t dealt with the anniversary well and our emotions got the better of us.

We had put so much in place to try and have a “nice” time over the anniversary not just for us but for our foster daughter too but I guess I didn’t account for external factors and hormones from IVF.

The result was Neil and I argued more dramatic then ever before. I was disappointed in us and I felt I let everyone down. Our family holiday had an argument in the middle of it.

I know logically that families argue and especially couples when going through what we have faced over the last two years. I know that we are human and that sometimes the smile and happy persona that we muster up on those anniversaries will slip.

I felt so low, tiered and disappointed in myself. The side effects of the IVF medication are certainly harsher this time (not an excuse) and all the exercise made me more worn out then I have felt for a long time.

We all know that feeling of being so worn out that we don’t function in our normal way. Our emotions run high and often get the better of us. I was certainly at this point!

I thought because we had one argument and how that impacted our family that I didn’t deserve to be a mother to a biological child. I asked Neil to stop the injections and for us to stop “trying” for a baby in whatever way we were doing this.

Due to external situations I felt that I was not a good judge of character, that I’m the nice fool that people can hide their true selves from. I worried that if I couldn’t see the “real” person then how could I protect anyone in my care.

I worried about arguments and how we deal with them when you have children that you raise (biological and non biological). I worried that I was not a good role model.

I had a scan yesterday to check if the medication was working (it was perfect and everything is going to plan). I spoke with the nurse that preformed the scan and before I knew it the flood gates had opened!

I think that being so busy this time round and forgetting to take time out for me and us everything got the better of me. Without realising it my anxiety had bubbled to the surface.

I was anxious about the outcome of IVF. If it is a negative then I’m not sure how to deal with that as we have had no problems getting pregnant and we have no fertility issues so why would it be negative this time round?

I spoke about how naively before I though it would be either positive or negative but how this time I know it can be so much more. I asked about the plan to avoid the embryos going into my one remaining tube (if this happens then our only way of falling pregnant in the future would be IVF and I’m now older and we don’t have £10,000 to start again).

I talked about the possibility of the embryos splitting and what was my chances as my history is that my eggs split. I don’t think we could find the strength to cope with another high risk pregnancy. MCMA twins are the most high risk pregnancy.

I then talked about my fears of being a mother. I said about how hard we are trying to become biological parents but what if I’m just not good enough. I have made mistakes and look at the children I have raised and I wonder if I have done ok as their parental figure. I wonder if ok is good enough.

My mind has wandered into a place where I wonder if someone is telling me that I should just give up that I’m not cut out to be a biological mum.

The nurse was wonderful and spoke very gently and kindly about what I was feeling. Neil assured me that we are human and that if we gave up we might have more regrets later on in life. Alissa (my foster daughter) kindly understood and accepted my apology. My auntie send me some lovely words of encouragement stating similar that I’m human and that families argue and that’s ok.

I’m still feeling doubtful about myself but I am definitely more reassured by everyone’s kind words. I recognise that I need to be kind to myself over the next few days and listen to my body when it needs a rest.

I hope to bounce back to my usual self who can stop my mind from wandering and pick myself up and dust myself off. I am not Wonder Woman, I am human! I won’t always get things right but how I deal with them afterwards is important.

There is no manual to being a mum, whether it is as a biological or non biological one. As the nurse stated Neil and I have had one of the most difficult fertility journeys she has seen in all of her years of experience. Remaining strong and resilient is not always easy with the path we have had to walk.

I will make mistakes and I will learn as we continue on our journey but hopefully as the nurse said I have so much love to give and she has faith that I will be a great mum to any biological children as I am to our non biological children. I hope that the faith she has and what she sees in me is something I can see in myself.