In his head

I have asked Neil to write something for this blog so I could show a mans perspective around pregnancy loss, IVF and trying to conceive. However he is not very forthcoming with the goods!

Believe it or not he is actually very good at expressing his feeling when he puts pen to paper. He wrote a beautiful speech for Kora and Ava’s funeral and a heart warming one for our wedding.

As he has not come up with the goods (yet) I thought I would give an insight from my understanding of how he appears to cope, particularly during this two week wait.

Every morning when we wake he kisses me good morning then we head downstairs and he makes me breakfast and a cup of tea (all those trying to conceive or going through IVF don’t shout at me – the caffeine is within the allowed moderate amount).

He prepares the medication and injects my stomach (I think he enjoys that part)! To be honest I think this makes him feel a part of the process. With IVF for opposite sex couples using their own eggs and sperm it is all about the woman being medicated and monitored.

Giving Neil the responsibility of injecting makes him involved and is easier for me as my mind wants to yell at me “no…stop! Why would you put that sharp needle into your tummy”.

In my opinion I feel Neil struggles more with the two week wait for the official pregnancy test date. He becomes more anxious and protective. He will tell me off if he finds me trying to hoover something up or looking under the sofa for Flick’s ball (Flick is our cavapoo).

He checks in regularly and reminds me not to get overwhelmed or stressed by family household chores, emotions or events. He leaves for work later to help me prepare my work so I don’t get worked up with demand.

I know how anxious he is when I went to work as he requested that I sat on a chair for the day rather than stand on my feet. He snapped a little at me when overhearing a conversation about my work and interrupted with “you are not going to be jumping up and down tomorrow”.

He does of course know that I would put as many protective elements in place to give us both the best possible chance of getting a positive pregnancy test. I think he finds it difficult that he is not in control of this part and he is anxious for us both.

I talk to him about anything I’m feeling for example pains that could be implant pains, a change in the smell of my pee and other signs that could be in my head, due to the medication or the fact that I could actually be pregnant.

However ultimately it is my body harbouring the embryos and it is me that may or may not be feeling anything. Neil becomes the passenger along for the ride and I can only try to imagine how hard that is for him.

Often I feel the man is an after thought when it comes to fertility and loss. I have had many well wishes and love sent my way and sometimes people send their love and thoughts to both. On the whole though the focus tends to be on the woman.

We do it naturally when a woman is pregnant. We asked after her and enquire how she is feeling. Yet we forget the man who has stood by her side when she has delivered their babies sleeping. We forget the anxiety of the man at the scan when he holds his breath again for the umpteenth time in anticipation of hearing those words “I’m sorry there is no heartbeat(s)”.

We forget how hard is must be for the man to wait the two weeks for the test. The anxiety that he must feel sat on the sofa when his wife goes to the toilet near test date and he knows she could come back stating her period has come and that is their answer with no test needed.

Our society (and our self employment) doesn’t allow us to have time off when we have delivered our sleeping babies or had a pregnancy loss. It won’t allow us time off if this round results in a negative.

However I am fortunate as I can work predominantly at home and hide away from the world. Neil, like many other men, have to return to work and face the world.

Previously he has done this but I notice that he makes mistakes at work more often and it is clear his head is not in the right space to be working. His heart is broken too and his mind will be whirling with so many thoughts and knowing him like I do, most of these will be worry about me.

Neil will also have to phone his daughter to let her know. It’s a call I know he hates making even if he feels she copes well with the news. It is a call he makes whilst giving me a sideways look, he has a biological daughter and I don’t. He knows what it feels like to be called dad and have a daughters love. He knows I don’t.

His heart is broken but somehow he finds the strength to comfort me. His mind is in overload with his own anxieties yet somehow he finds more space for mine. He counts down the days to the test whilst feeling like a passenger yet he still takes the wheel when I struggle.

He is the biggest and most important part of this journey. He is not forgotten by me and every little thing that he does is appreciated. We are in this together and whatever news we have we will face together as we always do.