A moment in my head

It has to be a moment in my head as too much longer you would all want to abandon ship especially during the two week wait. We have all probably thought at some point that we are glad that no one can see into our head as thoughts run wild so I’m going to be brave and give you a glimpse.

You may never look at me again in the same way or it might just confirm your opinions of craziness about me. I wrote about how hard it must be for Neil during this two week wait but I think it is also important to share how hard it is on me too.

As I have said many times I want to help others that are going through any of these fertility situations or maybe those about to embark and would find it useful to know some emotions and facts that they might experience. I also know how important it is to have support through this very challenging and anxious time so I write for those supporting someone through this process.

The main difference between Neil and me is the fact that I have had the embryos transferred into my body. Therefore any twinge, pain, pregnancy symptom is felt by me.

There is of course the rational/logical part of your brain and then there is the irrational part. At anyone time, any part can take over or you can feel like you are in a battle with both parts!

Irrational example coming up…I spotted a magpie. One on its own as I walked the dog. My head went “oh great, one for sorrow that’s me out then”! My eyes moved a little further and there was another magpie. Not one but two so my head changed to “two for joy, yes I’m still in the race”.

Logically I know that seeing one or two magpies will not have any bearing on the pregnancy test I will be taking however my mind runs away and it takes all my strength to bring it back to reality.

My close friends and auntie have been asking how I’m feeling. They too are looking and hoping for signs of pregnancy just like me and Neil. I tell them all the thoughts that are going on in my head and their face probably resembles my mind! Something like confused, unsure, sure, confused, unsure, sure!

I have had pains about a day after the transfer. These can be implant pains, pains that you feel when the embryos implant into the womb lining. Sounds positive right? These pains can also be the discomfort of having a long probe put into my womb to transfer the embryos.

I am going to the toilet more frequently. For those that don’t know this is a early sign of pregnancy, it’s what made me think I was pregnant with Kora and Ava. More frequent urinating is because blood flow to the woman’s kidneys increases by up to 35 to 60 per cent. The extra blood flow makes her kidneys produce up to 25 per cent more urine soon after conception.

As I have only one kidney this tends to be a sign that I have come to recognise in every pregnancy. Again this all sounds positive however let me now just add that I am not doing much at the moment (it’s important to rest after transfer) and therefore I’m drinking more. Drinking more would result in urinating more.

A very strange sign that has always happened in all four pregnancies is my dog humping my leg. Dogs sense of smell is tremendous. When a woman becomes pregnant she has the hcg hormone which rises everyday. This is the hormone that a pregnancy test picks up.

A dog can detect the change in smell due to the change in hormones. My beautiful fur baby Flick has often let me know that I am pregnant by humping my leg every time I move or walk.

So if I told you that Flick has started humping my leg, you might understand how my head is also saying “PREGNANT”! However let me just add some more facts…

The hormone medication I am on is hormonal based to line my womb. My dog is also very needy and suffers with separation anxiety so can hump my leg to desperately try and get my attention. Now my head screams “NOT PREGNANT”.

My sense of smell has always been a prime giveaway when I’ve been pregnant before. It has always been one of the first signs I recognise that tell me I’m pregnant. Most women find when they are pregnant that their sense of smell increases significantly.

I often end up gagging at smells as they become far too overpowering. I have noticed an increase in my sense of smell however I am more vigilant for this sign and who doesn’t gag when they are down wind of the doggy poo bin! it’s the reward for being a responsible dog owner.

My boobs have also been a sign. They become tender and tingle when I’m pregnant. Again this is a normal sign of early pregnancy. My mind can race away thinking about how my boobs are feeling and I can start to get my hopes up.

Let’s look at yet more facts though! I am still injecting Lubion. It’s a hormone injection and can make your boobs tender. Also like lots of woman my boobs get tender when I’m due on my period.

Is this a sign of pregnancy or a sign of my period coming? The truth is it could be either. Like all of the signs and symptoms I have been feeling they could be either that we are pregnant or we are not pregnant.

That brings me to today. I’m 7dp6pt (seven days post 6 day transfer). I went to the toilet this morning and when I wiped there was a slight pink substance on the tissue. It looked like the start of my period. It was definitely light pink blood.

If I was to have my period it would likely happen on the 4/5th September before our official test day. This is because I have a shorter menstrual cycle of 26 days.

At seven days past the transfer a pregnancy test would show if we were pregnant or not. However this could be a false result. That is why we are given an official test date. Sometimes the embryos can implant giving you a positive test result but can come away. This is a biochemistry miscarriage, something Neil and I had in August 2019.

For lots of people the two week wait is just too much and they test early only to have this heartbreak above of a positive and then a negative. Others get a positive at 5 days post transfer and continue with a positive till their official test day. Clinics always advise not to test early.

Our first round Neil and I did not test early. I bleed before the test day and we thought we had been unsuccessful. We know now that we were in fact pregnant with twins but one went into my tube so the bleeding was a miscarriage of the other baby. A pregnancy test would have shown positive even though I was bleeding.

Our clinic have told us that no matter what, whether we bleed or don’t we are to take a test this time. We will of course follow their advice.

So could the pink blood mean we are out and that my period is on it’s way. It’s possible but it is also possible in early pregnancy to have a little blood now and then due to implanting (embryos nudging blood vessels making them burst). It could of course mean that we are pregnant and could lose yet another pregnancy.

We still have some time to our official test day. Our minds and emotions are truly being challenged. When you conceive naturally if you are trying you have this two week wait too before the test. The difference with IVF is we know that the egg has met the sperm, it is fertilised, looks good and is placed in the womb. All it has to do is travel south and stick!

This is why people undertaking IVF call this period “pregnant until proven otherwise”. Some people like to be in this two week bubble of thinking they are pregnant. I’m not sure how I feel about this bubble or what stage of our fertility journey I find more challenging or when I feel most anxious.

It might appear like a strange statement when we have cremated our children and most can’t imagine anything worse. However I have said many times how much I feel our babies have given us and I treasure every memory. If Kora and Ava are the only babies I deliver then I am grateful that they gave me that.

If we are pregnant this time then we have the rollercoaster of emotions and anxiety for each milestone, each scan. We have the anxious wait for the scans. We have the anxiety of what the scan will show. We won’t know if we have one baby or two until the first scan. We then have to take each day as it comes in the hope that one day soon we will take home our living baby(ies).

Whatever the result we will have each other and we will try and come together to make decisions on what next and how to manage whatever result we get. We have a long wait till next week and the only way we are going to survive our own minds is to keep positive and busy (but not too busy to jeopardise any embryos sticking)!