If you follow my blog or read regularly then you will know that I made an announcement last week that Neil and I are expecting again. This is our fifth pregnancy in just over two years and this one is following IVF.
We were booked into a scan on Monday. This scan was at 5 weeks 3 days pregnant and was to check if there was any sac, yolk and the position. Neil was not allowed into the scan room due to Covid-19.
A student sonographer was undertaking the scan. It did run through my head that maybe a student wasn’t the best option with our history but I know that people have to learn. I had mentioned to a few close friends and Neil that I felt like I was pregnant with twins but of course we had no idea what the scan would show.
The sonographer said she could see a sac with a yolk in it. I was overwhelmed with joy that we had something in there and of course extremely grateful that it was there and in the right place. However I waited with anticipation as I was surprised that she said one.
She asked the person supervising her to come over. They both were looking at the screen. I asked them if they were seeing two and they quickly confirmed that there was in fact two sacs and two yolks. Twins.
I burst into tears, happy tears of course. I wanted Neil to be there and I wanted to hold his hand and see his face. I was asked to wait outside to speak to the specialist nurse so I took the opportunity to go out to the corridor and tell Neil the news.
His reaction although happy is always filled with anxiety and his first question was “why do we need to see a specialist nurse”. It is of course just protocol but I have to admit I also had the same question in my head.
When the nurse (Jane) the lovely nurse that has dealt with our miscarriage in May 2020 asked me to the room and to go and get Neil, my heart started racing!
Neil must have felt exactly the same as he said to me “Does that mean there is something wrong”? The nurse sat opposite us and said “well that’s great news isn’t it? It’s like buses you wait for one and then two come along”!
Both Neil and I sat opposite her looking in disbelief. It promoted the nurse to question the good news. It wasn’t until Neil and I asked if she was going to tell us anything bad that she realised we were fearing the worse.
There had been a break down in communication as our understanding was they would invite Neil in to the room if there was bad news so we could deal with this together. This was not the case and we had the opportunity to take photos of the scan images and left with the news of our expected bundles of joy!
It is now Friday and we are 6 weeks pregnant and booked into yet another scan, this time with the IVF clinic. On this scan we might be able to see heartbeats. The babies should measure 4mm and this scan is the crown-rump scan where they can work out the due date.
We have been fortunate before that we have seen our babies heartbeats early in the 6th week. However we are more than aware that we might not see any heartbeats today. This is not necessarily bad news. The babies will not have implanted at exactly the same time and are only the size of peas at the moment. Therefore it can be hard to see the heartbeats.
Knowing this logically and medically helps but it does not relieve the anxiety we are both feeling. Neil already asked this morning if I am worried about the scan.
We have to console ourselves with the fact that I am having very strong pregnancy symptoms in particular nausea. This is so much easier said then done though.
I expect you have all seen the drama series or movies where the woman goes to the toilet and wipes herself only to find blood on the tissue. The first sign of a possible miscarriage. Neil and I have never had this happen. Every loss we have suffered my body has tried hard to hold onto the babies so we have often found out at a scan that we have lost.
This doesn’t stop me checking the tissue every time I go to the toilet. However we are very conscious that it is normally a scan where we get the bad news. A fellow blogger that I follow (who actually encouraged me to write) talks about the anxiety around scans. She calls it scanxiety.
Neil definitely feels this and I know this morning he is full of nerves. He even asked at one point if the scan will have caused the loss of our last baby. Although I feel this is not the case, it is now a question I will be asking about the risks of an internal scan at such early weeks.
I don’t think Neil will ever go to a scan again with the excitement and anticipation that others have. He will always worry that we are going to be told something has gone wrong.
I am a little more optimistic. It has never helped in the past as if the fall comes it hits me very hard. I am realistic but I can’t help but be hopeful too. After all, our tests state that there is no reason we can’t have happy, healthy babies. I know this has not happened yet and we have had such cruel acts of nature but it could happen!
It’s already been a long pregnancy! Most people would not be finding out till about now that they are pregnant. They will have just realised that they have missed a period. Maybe just tested. We are just about to go for a second scan!
Our minds have done nothing but think, overthink and worry about every single moment. I guess we will never have that luxury of joyfully, naively, going through our pregnancy.
Neither of us are stressed as this would not achieve anything. It is just that constant niggling worry that shows it’s ugly face. Anxiety is definitely not our friend. Yet there it is continuously popping in and joining us at any time or any day and most certainly at all our milestones.
I am so grateful to be sat here knowing that I have two babies growing inside me. I walk outside with the secret grin on my face that although I’m not showing yet, I am in fact pregnant with two little humans. I hope that I get to enjoy this knowledge and pregnancy and that in about seven and a half months (twins come early) we will be bringing them home.
We have decided we will take each day as it comes (even if my mind races hopefully ahead) and enjoy everyday that we are pregnant. We will face whatever hurdles we need to face with the bravery that we have done in the past. We just hope that this time we will be blessed with two living babies and that Neil might be walking out of the hospital carrying two baby seats (this is a photo I can’t wait to take).
Stars in the Sky 