We are scared!

We had our 6 week scan which we mentioned and stated that we were not to worry if we didn’t see any heartbeats. This is because you can see them potentially from 6 weeks however sometimes you can’t see them till a little later.

We are pleased to say that on exactly 6 weeks we were blessed to see two heartbeats! Well we say heartbeats but they are in fact flutters as the heart is not fully formed at this point. It is actually two tubes that are fluttering.

However when you see these flutters it is a very positive sign that the babies are growing as they should at this point in the pregnancy. The chances of a pregnancy loss reduce and it shows there is no chromosome abnormality that prevents the fetus from developing.

The scan image looks like a diamond ring. The ring part is the placenta which the IVF consultant said looks very healthy on both babies. The diamond on top is the baby. Again we were told that our scan looks very promising and all looks healthy and good.

Then the consultant hit us with some information and facts that were hard to take on board. She told us that 1 in 5 women lose one of the twins. They call it the disappearing or helping twin. This can happen anytime up to 20 weeks of the pregnancy.

Neil took this information much better than myself as he looked at it that if one helped the other to arrive healthy and be in our arms then we should be thankful we were given the one baby.

I did not take it as well as that! I am already madly in love with both the little babies growing inside me. The thought of losing one or both of them fills me with heartbreak and grief.

The information did not stop there! We had been told by the NHS that they would recommend we continue pessaries up to 16 weeks of our pregnancy. The IVF clinic were very annoyed that this was the information given to us. The clinic only recommend pessaries up to 10 weeks of pregnancy.

There is a condition called Hypospadias. This is where the hole of a penis is located any place along the underside of the penis rather than at the end where it is usually located. This means when the boy goes to toilet the urine would come out of the hole and not at the end of his penis.

This condition can be caused by taking the pessaries past ten weeks when the baby is developing their genitals. It is the reason clinics would ask the woman to stop the hormone medication from 8-10 weeks.

Before the scan I think Neil and I were so scared that we wouldn’t see any heart flutters. Now we are aware of a condition we never knew existed and the fact that we could lose one of the twins up to 20 weeks. It’s another stark reminder that 12 weeks is not a safe point in any pregnancy!

We are of course over the moon that we saw their little heart flutters and that this in itself is a very positive sign. However we have seen many heart flutters and beats of our babies that we haven’t got to leave the hospital with.

We have driven ourselves insane since the scan. Neil became very negative without really knowing it himself. When talking about the positives he would counteract them with our past experiences and negatives. We were feeding each other’s insecurities and fears.

He is so worried that yet again this will be taken away from us for no real reason. Yet another cruel act of nature and in truth as that has always been our experience how do we encourage each other to hope for the best.

We have both said that although we are scared and full of worry and anxiety, we also both feel positive and that now is our time. It would be so incredibly unfair if this was taken from us again and we believe it won’t be. We have doubts and negativity invades but we still cling onto our hope.

Neil explained how hard it is for him as he doesn’t have anything to go by other than what I tell him. He doesn’t feel the nausea, the tiredness, the sense of smell or the metallic taste. He can only observe if I happen to retch or go to eat something again as I’m so hungry. If he is not there to witness this then he worries there are no signs of a healthy pregnancy.

Of course these signs are not always there and this is how my negativity arises. I’ve said many a times I don’t mind feeling sick or having hunger pangs as it tells me everything appears healthy.

It’s when I don’t feel any of this and in lots of early pregnancies these signs and symptoms can come and go. Therefore we should not worry when I’m not feeling anything. However as we have only ever had the feelings subsiding as our sign that we might be losing the baby(ies), it is hard not to panic when they wear off.

The only way we will know if everything is still ok is if we have more scans. We are already booked in for a scan at 8 weeks 4 days at the IVF clinic. The Early Pregnancy Unit want to scan us at 7 weeks or just over.

Neil and I spoke about this and felt that we didn’t want the scan if Neil was not allowed in the room. Neil didn’t want me to be on my own if I was going to be given bad news. I didn’t want to face this prospect on my own either. I already feel vulnerable enough with my legs apart on the foot stall and a probe up my vagina without then being told bad news with no hand to hold.

We have already faced a miscarriage on our own due to Covid19 and it was heartbreaking for both of us to face it by ourselves, away from each other. We have always managed our experiences together. Being forced to face scans and medical intervention alone was something we never expected to endure.

The EPU have kindly offered us the service that has resumed which is a scan with a consultant. As there will only be the consultant in the room it means that Neil will be allowed to be in the scan appointment too. We are being scanned at 7 weeks and 5 days.

We are grateful that we can have another scan together. It is only 1 week away but this already seems like an eternity to wait to find out if everything still looks ok.

I wish that we had a window we could look through ourselves to check that the babies are ok. In the meantime we have to just take each day as it comes and as strange as it sounds, enjoy the moments of sickness that tell us everything is looking good!