Blood!

Yesterday I had a cramp on my right side, I wasn’t too bothered as I know to expect some cramps whilst the uterus adjusts to having not just one baby but two. However when I added the cramp to the worry that my pregnancy hormones were either subduing or I was getting more used to them, we both couldn’t help but allow fear to creep in.

We decided on a early night and watched telly in bed together. I still didn’t feel 100% and at about 10:55pm I went to the toilet, something I’m doing a lot with twins and only one kidney. I still look at the tissue every time I wipe!

It’s strange that I do this as we have never had blood on a tissue that has been the indication that we are starting to miscarry. Yet I can’t help but wipe and look and have done this ever since the small amount of spotting we had when we thought the IVF had failed.

My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the tissue and saw blood. How ironic that I have written so many times recently that we haven’t ever had bleeding as a sign and there it was staring me in the face!

I walked into the bedroom and shook my head to Neil to suggest the end of our pregnancy or rather a start of a miscarriage. Devastated we went downstairs to call the out of hours numbers for the clinic and hospital.

We rang the hospital first as we knew that they would only accept their own scan to confirm anything. I spoke to a doctor who said nothing could be done tonight and to call back tomorrow. He kept saying that as we had seen their heart flutters the chances are everything would be fine.

I felt so frustrated as I told him that we have seen the heartbeats of all but one of our babies yet we still don’t hold them in our arms. Eventually after strongly discussing our situation he said he would put us on the list for a possible scan the next day.

We then rang the IVF clinic. I guess I was looking for reassurance, information and advice. I wanted to know their thoughts on the bleeding. I was very shocked by the response of the doctor especially as we have paid thousands for their services.

It was clear by her voice that I had woken her up. I explained the situation and how I felt the hospital weren’t listening to my past experiences. I said I had to fight to get a possible scan. She invited us to Southampton the following day for a scan but we knew that our local hospital would want to scan again.

It’s hard being told the first time that our babies have no heartbeats net alone then having to drive 45 minutes to the hospital for them to scan us again and repeat “I’m sorry there are no heartbeats”.

We declined the clinics scan. The doctor then said to me “I’m not really sure why you are calling me”. This was while I was crying on the phone. We just hoped that the hospital would scan us the next day.

With our heads in a awful place and very heavy hearts, I turned to my enemy/friend google. I googled “7 weeks pregnant with twins bleeding”.

As stupid as it sounds I was looking for reassurance or hope. I don’t operate well without some hope. However everything was screaming at me that this was not a positive sign especially if you take into consideration the lack of pregnancy symptoms.

On this occasion google was my friend. There were so many posts from woman at 7-8 weeks pregnant with twins that stated they had a bleed. Apparently it can happen with twins in their own sac as the uterus makes space for them. This was the hope I had wanted to hear from one of the doctors.

Neil and I decided to go to sleep with that knowledge in our minds. Needless to say we both slept terrible. I was plagued with dreams about the loss of the twins. Whenever I woke I could feel Neil was awake or in a disturbed sleep.

We woke up today and at about 8:10am headed to the hospital. When we we arrived no one had been informed that we had rung through the night nor did they expect us. Initially the nurse (Jane) the one we have seen many a times now stated they could not scan us until the following day.

This made me break down in tears. I understood, I just didn’t know how Neil and I would cope waiting a whole day and night to find out if their hearts were still beating.

Jane took pity on us. She knows our history and she knows how hard this must be on us. She organised us to come back at 12pm. We were so grateful and decided to walk our dog, Flick to fill some time.

I was questioning everything! My mind couldn’t stop going over and over things. Why had we seen so many double magpies if we were going to be told such sorrow? I know this is superstition and I’m not really superstitious however I seem to fear the one magpie! Had Flick been humping my leg so much as my hcg levels had dropped? Did she hump my leg this much when I was pregnant with Kora and Ava?

I hoped and begged in my head that both babies would be ok. I hoped that the bleed was just a one off that happens and wasn’t the start of a miscarriage. I started to think that maybe we were losing one of the twins. Maybe this was why my pregnancy symptoms had appeared to decrease.

I then went from grief of losing both babies to hope that one would be ok. I was hit with waves of guilt for even thinking it! What sort of mother wishes to sacrifice one baby to keep the other. When twins were confirmed I had fallen in love with them both immediately. How could I know be thinking if it is going to be a loss maybe it’s just one?

Of course this leads me to start doubting myself as a capable mother. I start to think that’s why my foster daughter can’t wait to call her mum with news because my input and response isn’t good enough. I start to think that Amy puts up with me because I married her dad. I wonder if I actually deserve to be a mum or even if this is someone’s way of telling me I’m just not good enough.

I know logically that this is probably not the case at all but when your mind is racing away and your heart is slowly breaking, it’s hard to see what is real and true. It’s a selfish point of view based on the fact that I’m no one’s biological mum. It’s this selfish ugly side that makes me doubt my abilities.

I wondered what I had done in my life to suffer so much loss but worse than that I hated myself for making my husband suffer this loss. The kindest, softest and most supportive person in my life and I let him down time and time again.

Thankfully for my own sanity Jane called us and said the sonographer would scan us as soon as possible and could we come back to the hospital.

When I arrived I was not kept waiting. The sonographer was the lady that scanned me previously when we lost our baby in May 2020.

She suggested we went straight for an internal scan. I was of course in the room on my own as Neil had to wait outside. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him to sit in the corridor of the hospital and wait for me to return with the news.

The sonographer was very quick to inform me that she could see two heartbeats! Both babies were absolutely perfect. She spun the screen around and showed me the images. There in front of my face was our babies. One upside down and the other the right way up.

She told me that they both look perfect and very healthy. I couldn’t hold back the tears. The floodgates were well and truly open. I just didn’t expect to hear what she was saying.

I was shocked to see tears in her eyes as she told me how happy she was to give me this news. She said I had been in her thoughts and that she is now going to follow our journey closely.

They booked another scan for 8 weeks and 4 days and I rushed out into the corridor to tell Neil that everything was just perfect. The relief in his face was immediate and when I told him what had been said he grinned from ear to ear.

We now know that bleeding in pregnancy particularly twin pregnancy is common. If the blood is red or brown and does not soak a pad or have clots then it is worth getting checked but it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.

I’m not sure how we are going to survive the length of this pregnancy or if we will ever feel settled at any point or if our worry will ease especially when thrown such curve balls.

What I do know is that for now we have been given some more hope. We are still going in the right direction for that photo of Neil leaving the hospital with two baby seats!