Self preservation.

I’m already madly in love with both of the babies that are growing inside me. This frightens me as I know how hard the potential fall can be! Im definitely not enjoying the pregnancy but my self preservation is slipping as each day passes. My hope grows as much as my love!

I have never known time to pass so slowly. We are two months into our pregnancy but it already feels like a lifetime. Everyday is a worry and every night is plagued by the unconscious mind. I don’t think one minute goes by that I am not thinking about our babies.

I close my eyes at night, exhausted and grateful to get into bed. This is when my subconscious comes alive and still won’t let my anxiety and worry disappear. I wake suddenly, usually needing the toilet and filled with fear.

I’ve been dreaming of loss! I know it’s because this is our waking fear but I go to sleep hopeful that I will get some respite from my cruel mind.

It’s hard to rationalise the pregnancy. We know that there is no reason for us to lose the babies but seeing as there has never been a reason (except Kora and Ava who were high risk) it’s hard to hold onto this.

How do we get through each day with hope? We have both been too worried to allow our emotions to run away with the pregnancy. We don’t wake up with a smile on our faces as soon as we remember I am pregnant. We don’t walk around with a grin on our face knowing that behind my average looking body we have two more heartbeats growing inside.

We are not rushing out and buying things, we don’t have a nursery and we google healthy pregnancy and loss more than anything else. We take each day as it comes and are grateful if we have no signs of loss. We are getting through the pregnancy in the only way we know how and that is to preserve ourselves.

We haven’t kept our pregnancy a secret to do a big reveal with our excitement brewing each day. Instead we wake each day and wait to see if I am experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. I go to the toilet and check that there is no blood again. We wait for the next scan!

The time between the scans are tough! I guess because every time we have lost (except one) we have been informed by a scan. However on most of the occasions before the scan I have known somehow that something was wrong.

The week and few days between each scan has been torturous mainly caused by our own minds. The drive to the hospital or clinic has been silent with both of us away with our own thoughts.

It has been particularly hard on Neil as the last time we had a scan it was due to the bleed and he was not allowed in because of Covid19. I was blessed to see their heartbeats again but for Neil he hasn’t seen them since they were six weeks old.

Our scan date is tomorrow and we will be 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I have been feeling very sick, urinating regularly and tiered. These are all good signs and leave us feeling hopeful that the scan will bring good news.

If we see their heartbeats again tomorrow then we are even closer to having a successful pregnancy. However we are surrounded by memories and support groups that make us very aware that there is no guarantees.

Of course there are also the facts about a multiple pregnancy that we can’t avoid. It’s more complicated, twins will normally be premature and we are told to pack our hospital bag at 26 weeks. Up to week 20 of pregnancy we could have a disappearing twin.

It probably doesn’t help that this month is baby loss awareness. The raw grief and heartbreak of holding our babies that we didn’t get to bring home is even more in the fore front of our minds.

With a celebrity and his wife trying to break the taboo of pregnancy loss by showing their intimate and personal photos, it resonates even harder. Time is most definitely not a healer but little by little we let go of the loss but not our love.

We will never be able to go days without thinking what if about some situation or moment in time. Without them we will never be the same again. We loved them before we knew them! We held them in our palms and saw them off in their tiny coffin.

Yet we hope! We hope that these beautiful babies will be our rainbows. We hope that we get to take these home. We hope that we get to carry these in our arms and not just our hearts. We hope that although this pregnancy might feel like an eternity that the wait and anxiety will be worth every minute.