A Prison Sentence

I was talking to a very good friend on the phone the other day and he referred to my pregnancy as a prison sentence. I laughed as I knew what he meant. He said he feels like he is actually marking off the days on the wall.

Of course most people would not refer to their pregnancy as a prison sentence but may count down the days till they meet their bundle of joy in excited anticipation. They probably enjoy the experience of their pregnancy and don’t even stop to think that it may not result in that living baby.

Neil and I have been marking off the days. We take each day as it comes and we are grateful for every day that we are a little closer to holding our twins in our arms and taking them home.

I find that we are working our way through milestones. The first being holding onto the positive pregnancy test, then having the scan to make sure it is viable, waiting for the scan to see if there were heartbeats and now counting down each point as we move forward.

After seeing their heartbeats we knew that this reduced the chance of losing them however we have of course been there many times and still lost our babies.

Our most recent scan on Tuesday was cancelled as the consultant had to undertake surgery. This meant that the hospital offered us a scan via a sonographer again but once more Neil would not be allowed in.

After talking it through with Neil, he decided that he needed to know that they both still had heartbeats. We agreed to the scan where only I would be allowed in. I personally dread this as I worry that I will face bad news on my own but I’m unsure I would have lasted another week.

We are past the 8 weeks mark in our pregnancy and if this scan showed their heartbeats then we had reached another milestone as the rate of miscarriage drops a little more. Our babies are now also medically referred to as a foetus rather than an embryo.

I burst into tears again as the sonographer told me that she could see both babies heartbeats. At 8-9 weeks pregnant the heart has developed the four chambers. It is getting stronger and so are they.

The relief of seeing their heartbeats is overwhelming. However the anxiety does not subside! Neil has stated that now we have past 8 weeks he feels more relaxed and hopeful.

I would love to say that I too feel this way, but I don’t. I remain hopeful and positive but I just can’t let go of the worry and anxiety. They say knowledge is power however the knowledge I have gained around pregnancy sometimes hinders my emotions.

I am literally in that prison cell marking of each milestone and they feel like they take forever to arrive! For me the next milestone is our scan next week when we will be 9 weeks 4 days pregnant.

This scan is at the IVF clinic. Our last pregnancy we had seen the heartbeat of our baby at 6 weeks and 1 day but when we went, at 8 weeks, to the IVF clinic for a private scan they informed us that the baby had no heartbeat.

I want to get the private scan over and done with and to see both their heartbeats again. I want to be another week closer to bringing them home. My anxiety around the scans has shifted to the fear of losing one twin and the knowledge that this can happen up to the 20th week.

The days between the scans my mind wanders! I worry that I don’t feel as hunger or as sick as I did the days before. I start to think my sense of smell has decreased. I tell myself my boobs are sore because of the pessaries rather than being pregnant. I wipe after going to the toilet and every time I check the tissue for blood. I question if I am still visiting the toilet as much as before.

In truth I know that this fear probably won’t fade and I will carry the anxiety throughout this pregnancy. It’s to be expected when you take into consideration our history.

Friends have asked me if I will feel more relaxed at any point in this pregnancy and the truth is I won’t. I am aware that we have to pack our hospital bag by the 26th week as we are having a multiple pregnancy and this often results in early labour.

This brings the fear of neonatal care and the babies being in the outside world fighting on their own to survive instead of being in my womb with my body supporting them.

We are more than aware of all the complexities we could face by having a multiple pregnancy but as each week passes we become more optimistic (even if I don’t sound it when writing).

I guess that looking at it as prison sentence we know that we are going to have an early release we just hope that this is not too early. As each day passes or we reach another milestone we mark another day off. We adjust to our daily life but look to our due date with hope and relief.