Harsh Reality

My last blog I wrote about how Neil and I were starting to dare to dream. We have been looking into extending or moving as we simply don’t have enough space for twins, Amy (step daughter) and Alissa (foster daughter).

We were anxious about making these plans as we know that no pregnancy has any guarantees (a statement I find myself repeating a lot). Moving house is stressful in itself as is having building work carried out.

Yet we need to undertake this work or move realistically and as soon as possible but we are still a fair distance from bringing these babies home. We need to plan for a future we are hoping for but we know is not guaranteed.

This week has been particularly tough. I am having pregnancy insomnia and feel sick everyday, all day, especially after eating food. I am trying to keep my job and earn a living being self employed and we are still working weekends too. I am trying to run a house and look after all of those in it.

Trying to do this when feeling constantly sick and tiered has been difficult and my emotions are running away with me.

We had a scan yesterday with a consultant but it was cancelled again so I had to go in on my own whilst Neil sat in the corridor. Before the scan we had received conflicting advice regarding the medication and pessaries and when we should have stopped them.

This lead to me and Neil feeling very anxious that we would arrive at the scan to find out that we had sabotaged the pregnancy by stopping the support too early.

I was so tense and wound up before the scan and although my body was screaming at me that everything was fine with the babies, otherwise why would I feel as sick as a dog, my heart was petrified that I would hear those words “sorry there are no heartbeats”.

Like any perspective or active parents, Neil and I want to do what’s best for the babies. However if the consultants seem to differ with what is right or best then how are we to know!

This scan was the first abdominal one I have had. The babies are big enough now for them to be scanned this way. Yet again I burst into tears with relief when they told me that they could see both heartbeats.

It was a beautiful scan. One baby was moving and just wouldn’t stay still. The other baby was curled up sleeping and the sonographer had to poke my tummy with the ultrasound machine to wake the baby so she could take measurements.

The mixed emotions I feel around this are probably impounded by the pregnancy hormones. It saddens me that Neil does not get to be with me during these scans and to witness our babies growing. This is even more prominent when you consider our past and how some of these little memories and moments are all we have.

It also saddens me that our pregnancy is blighted by anxiety which is often only understood by those that have lost or attended their babies funeral.

The amount of times I have heard try to relax or think/hope for the best! Neil and I do think/hope for the best (hence the plans we are putting in place). Considering our losses and experiences I would say we are as relaxed as possible and doing a great job in getting through each day.

However this doesn’t alter the fear and anxiety. It is only natural that we would be aware of this when we have been through so much.

When my scan had finished I was waiting in the area for the nurse and was sat opposite another woman. It’s always a awkward encounter as the majority of women sat in that chair are having a scan or have been scanned and received the devastating news.

Sometimes we have the uncomfortable moment of catching each other’s eye. Sometimes some women want to talk and others prefer to sit with their own thoughts. Others sit there quietly with tears in their eyes or rolling down their cheeks.

I was very aware that I was sat there this time with yet more positive news. I chose not to make conversation for this reason. However the girl opposite me asked me if I was ok.

We struck up a conversation and found out we had both surprisingly fallen pregnant similar amount of times in two years. I would guess that the woman was about 10 years younger than me.

I felt an instant connection with her and was devastated for her when she spoke about her pregnancy losses and how she has never seen a heartbeat on any of her babies. She falls into the 90% of recurrent miscarriage that are linked to chromosome abnormalities. On that day she had received news that her pregnancy looked viable at this stage. Her next scan will hopefully show a heartbeat.

I felt more comfortable to tell her that I was pregnant with twins. We had lots in common including hope and mindset in general. The difference was that Neil and I fall into the 10% bracket where they don’t know why the babies are lost or why their hearts stopped.

This is what makes our pregnancy anxiety ridden. We just have to take each day as it comes and hope that each scan continues to bring us the best news possible. We also have to hope that the babies stay safely in the womb to as near to the due date as allowed.

Yesterday I also received a message from a woman I know who was expecting her baby in December. However heartbreaking news followed that she delivered her little girl at 31 weeks sleeping. No one knows at this moment why this happened.

It was the harsh reality staring me in the face and I repeat THERE IS NO SAFE POINT IN A PREGNANCY! Being pregnant does not mean that you will definitely get to hold your baby or that when you do they will not be born sleeping.

My heart is truly broken for the mother and father and I hope that the help and advice I have given them will be of some use. I hope that they reach out when they need someone and I hope that they are kind to themselves while they grieve. Their lives will never be the same again now.

Neil and I have felt so much love and support during this pregnancy from people who read my blog to people that are in our lives as friends or family. We are grateful that you are all hoping for the best for us, as we are too. We appreciate your comments and know that they are meant in the kindest way.

It is our hope that keeps us going and it is your hope that helps us through. We do know the harsh reality of pregnancy and loss as we have been there many times but we also know that whatever is going to happen it is out of our control. We have to live with the reality whilst remaining as realistically optimistic.