A Pain Like No Other

I have been touched and saddened by the recent revelation from Chrissy Teigen and John Legend that they delivered their baby Jack sleeping. If you are unaware Chrissy Teigen posted photographs on Instagram which captured their delivery of their baby.

When looking at the photos you can see the grief and heartache. It is raw and emotional. They are photos I can truly relate to. They are photos that most people would not want to imagine being a part of.

I understand that for some people this grief and loss is something that can not be imagined and is feared. I was saddened that Chrissy Teigen was criticised for sharing these moments.

Those moments like any delivery of a baby are the most precious times. The difference is that like myself these are the only memories she will have to hold onto. As parents they will not have a life filled with watching their son Jack reach milestones, grow and develop.

I have photographs of Kora and Ava. I personally have only shown a handful of people (close friends and family) and often that was because they wanted to see the photos to help them grieve or to help me grieve.

I don’t hide my photos but they are also not on display. They are however my most treasured memories of Kora and Ava. I completely understand why Chrissy Teigen writes that she had to capture those moments as she never wanted to have to ask about them.

Details fade over time and memories become a little less clearer. Usually when you have delivered your baby these memories fade to include ones of growth and development.

It really highlights to me just how much baby loss is still a taboo subject. If the photos were of Jack being born alive this would be news for a day followed with congratulations. Yet the photos that were very respectfully taken faced criticism.

Chrissy had documented her pregnancy on social media the same way most of us document our lives. We all post photos and comments made by our children. Often we do this as we want to be reminded of these moments.

There is no difference in wanting to remember the ONLY moments they will ever have with their son. They did not get to leave the hospital with their son. They will not get to hear his first word, see his first steps, take the yearly school uniform photo.

We as a nation have become so much better around accepting and publicly talking about sensitive topics such as cancer, mental health, Alzheimers etc.

We sit and watch a documentary filmed by Freddie Flintoff talking openly about his Bulimia and praise his bravery for highlighting male mental health. We see people like Gareth Thomas openly talk about being gay and having HIV.

They are celebrities raising awareness in topics that still need so much more awareness and understanding. They use their fame to support and help others who may be experiencing similar.

In my opinion Chrissy Teigen has done exactly the same. She is trying to raise awareness on a topic that is rarely talked about.

I sit here today pregnant with twins that I can only hope are thriving in my womb. My pregnancy is surrounded by anxiety as Neil and I have experienced many losses of babies. We have delivered our identical twin girls and left the hospital without them.

We hope that we get to bring these babies home. We hope that we get to watch them grow and develop. We hope that we get to see the colour of their eyes, their first word, first steps and so on.

However Kora and Ava will never be forgotten. The pregnancy losses we have endured will never be insignificant. The heartbeats that we saw that went on to stop will never be diminished.

I often get the photos out of Kora and Ava just to look at them. All of our scan photos are treasured and kept. Every baby has left a hole in our heart and our arms empty.

Our lives are filled with what would or could have been. Bringing these twin babies home will never stop us from loving or grieving our losses but it will enable us to shower them with the love we would have given to all of our children.

I hope that the world becomes a little kinder around miscarriage, pregnancy loss and sleeping babies. I hope that we learn to embrace the topic and allow parents to grieve in a way they feel they need to. I hope that people empathise and become more understanding of this pain. I hope that we support people in their most vulnerable moments.