Second Trimester

It has been a difficult week emotionally. I’m not sure if it’s my hormones at this stage or if it’s the fact the anniversary of my mum passing is fast approaching.

I’m also very mindful that Kora and Ava passed in the second trimester. I don’t feel safe that we have reached the 13th week, the fear is all too real.

It’s also getting close to Christmas. It’s the time of year my mum loved the most. It’s the time of year I love too. December now also holds another meaning for Neil and I. Kora and Ava would have been delivered via c section on the 20th December. They would be 2 years old this December.

Alongside these memories and anniversaries we have had to contend with an aggressive and nasty man whilst delivering parcels. Due to Covid19, Neil and I took on a delivery role to bring extra income to our household. We are both self employed and were affected by Covid.

We now work seven days a week most weeks to ensure we can put food on our table. We are key workers and have noticed a change in attitudes over time.

I wouldn’t normally allow a stranger to impact my life so much but Saturdays altercation really upset me. I think it was the point where the man waited for Neil to move away from our car to come out and shout at me through the open window.

When I put my hand up to ask him to stop and stated I was pregnant and requested he refrained his response was, and I quote “I don’t care”. I was frustrated with myself because I responded and reacted.

I let him get the better of me and stress me out. I then burst into tears when home because I was disappointed in myself for reacting. I want to be a good role model and mother and I felt I let down my foster daughter (Alissa) and was worried the stress may have affected the babies.

I couldn’t face leaving the house again so Neil and Alissa continued with the parcels whilst I tried to pull myself together and calm down.

I have also let worry take over in relation to moving. Ideally we would like to move before the babies arrive so we can have a nursery ready. I also don’t like the idea of moving with new born twins into a house that requires lots of work.

It’s a frustrating situation to find ourselves in as we get a call that sounds promising in relation to a viewing. We prepare the house and tidy up all whilst working and dealing with family life. On Friday the people viewing our property just didn’t turn up!

It’s an added stress that we don’t really need righty now. I think this is also putting a strain on Neil. I caught him staring at me and when I asked him what he was staring at he told me I am beautiful and he loves me.

The look however told me different. I asked him if he was ok and he admitted that he is worried that all the stress has affected the babies. He is also worried how we would cope if anything happens this time and has a fear we will have to face is alone due to Covid.

It’s very hard in the second trimester to remain positive with our history and with the signs and symptoms that we have relied on to assure ourselves that all is ok, starting to dwindle it’s an anxious time.

I am not feeling as nauseous and the dry retching had almost stopped. My boobs are not so sore. When I rang the EPU to ask what I should look out for now to know everything is ok the nurse told me the fact that my boobs aren’t so sore, and I’m not feeling as sick.

I guess I have lost a little faith when I spoke to the consultant from the multiple pregnancy clinic this week. She had not read my notes and stated she knew I had some miscarriages but there is no reason for this to have happened.

For the second time in a week I had to explain about Kora and Ava. I had to explain about our pregnancy losses. I had to explain that all our babies had heart beats. Seeing these babies heartbeats at a scan relieves us for that moment but we know that come the next scan things could have changed.

The consultant agreed to undertake a reassurance scan at 16 weeks so we don’t have to wait from 12 to 20 weeks. However this is still 4 weeks! I am not ashamed to say that after Neil told me his worries, I booked and paid for a private scan this week.

I feel that there is no harm in reassuring ourselves. The stress and worry in our lives right now will not help our pregnancy so anything we can do to put our minds at rest is fine by me. The scan will be done when I’m 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant. We will then have to wait only 2 weeks for our 16 week scan.

We also received a letter in the post this week following our screening test. As I am old and pregnant the NHS complete a blood test to screen for Downs, Edwards and Patau’s syndrome. The letter states the same as it did for Kora and Ava that there is no risk.

It is a relief to get this letter purely because the world we live in is one where parents have to often fight the system to get what their child needs. We have fought so hard to bring babies home and I selfishly hope that we don’t have to constantly fight for their requirements.

I am aware that people who know us or read my blog will tell me to relax and not to worry and considering our history I feel on the whole Neil and I achieve this most days. However it would be impossible for anyone to relax in our situation when we have lost so many babies.

I have found people are very quick to comment (usually with the best intentions) but without stopping and thinking about the comment they pass. Comments such as we will make good parents or are you ready for twins.

Neil and I are already parents to his daughter Amy and our foster daughter Alissa. More importantly we are both parents to angels. Being a parent to angels and never getting to watch them grow up is the hardest parental role ever.

So when you ask if we are prepared for twins, or question the doubts we have about our pregnancy or parental capabilities then please know that we are willing and hoping that we will bring these babies home. Any challenge that we face raising twins will never be more difficult then living without the babies we should have brought home.