On the fence

We had another scan and this time the babies measured 14 weeks. This takes us back to the original dates we were given by the IVF clinic.

We paid for this private scan as we were concerned about waiting till 16 weeks. We have also had lots of stress in relation to the house and moving so it reassures us to check.

Twin 2 was again jumping around and almost kicking twin 1 in the head. Twin 1 was again relaxed. The sonographer was very experienced and understanding. She told us that the twins look perfect at this moment in time and that there is nothing to cause concern. However she finished by saying we can relax for the rest of the day and worry again tomorrow.

She was very aware of how difficult it is for Neil and I not to worry after everything we have been through. It was relieving to know that another professional is confident about our pregnancy even if we don’t always feel confident ourselves.

It’s a strange feeling at the moment as we have watched our babies grow since they were transferred as embryos. We have had a scan almost every week since 5 weeks. They have literally grown in front of our eyes and they aren’t even born yet.

It is rare to have so many scans. This pregnancy has already felt like 9 months with the amount of visits, scans, phone calls, injections, tablets and pessaries.

Although each scan confirms that all looks good at this moment in time it does little to reassure us as we know only to well how this can change.

However I have noticed that both Neil and I have started to look for baby equipment such as prams, monitors etc. Yet neither of us have actually committed to purchasing anything.

The twin books I read suggest we should have everything we need by 26 weeks as this is when they could make an appearance. They also suggest that we have a team of people ready to assist us as it is impossible to undertake everything on your own.

These books don’t take into account a global pandemic and the lack of support you can access or even family that you can’t see due to lockdowns. They also don’t take into account both parents being self employed and how to juggle earning an income and being new parents to twins.

The books also don’t cover moving house whilst pregnant or possibly moving just after giving birth. I personally find this part of our lives the most stressful (after worrying that the babies are ok constantly).

The amount of times we have prepared the house for a viewing for it to be cancelled or for the viewers to not even return calls. We have given up viewing ourselves now as the lockdown and Christmas have slowed the market right down according to the Estate Agents.

This really irritates me as I can’t understand that the market has slowed down if the two houses we offered on or wanted have been sold from under our feet. I also see lots of movement with the more run down properties so I’m guessing it’s an investors market at the moment.

We have decided there is no point in even looking until we have a offer on our property as we get excited thinking about the prospect of a house and planning a future for our family only to see it sold to someone else.

I feel like we are sat on a ticking time bomb. We have such little time to actually move house before the arrival of the babies and of course we know they will come early we just don’t know how early.

We can’t purchase equipment such as cots or prams as we need our house to look presentable and not full of equipment. We also can’t put our nursing chair or baby changer that we already have anywhere as we don’t have the room here.

It’s not how I imagined our pregnancy would unfold. I always knew that any pregnancy would be full of anxiety and stress but I hadn’t envisaged not having anywhere to call a nursery.

I feel like Neil and I are both sat on the fence unsure whether to buy anything that we and the babies will need as we know there are no guarantees in a pregnancy and because of lack of space.

We talked about baby monitors and Neil was almost ready to purchase one, yet I felt it was too soon. I wanted to wait for the 20 weeks scan as I guess in the back of my head we haven’t passed the time that we lost Kora and Ava and also we know that one twin can still disappear up to this time.

It’s a difficult situation to be in especially as I like to be organised. Yet I just don’t feel we are in the right place or time to purchase products.

It’s interesting when I talk to people they suggest or recommend that we move Alissa (our foster daughter) into the small room (Amy’s room) which wouldn’t even fit a wardrobe or they say Amy (Neil’s daughter) should understand that we need her room for the babies as she is now an adult.

It confuses me that people think that our babies needs are more profound then that of Amy and Alissa. We are a family. We maybe unconventional and we may not have planned to be foster carers but we are and this is our family now.

Practically the room we call Amy’s room wouldn’t even fit two cots, a baby changer and a nursing chair anyway. The truth of the matter is and has always been that we need more space for our growing family and this includes everyone of us.

We hope that Amy will be staying even more regularly then she does already as she will want to be involved in her siblings lives. There will always be a room in our house for Amy no matter what age she is.

Our house will always be open to Alissa as it has always been. We know that she will eventually live independently but we also know the importance of parental figures in her life and a room to come and stay in now and then, the same way Amy does. A place that they can always call home even if it is a second home.

Neil and I want to get excited about the pregnancy and birth of the twins but I can’t help that fear creeping in knowing that so much can still go wrong. I have also said before that I feel we are protecting ourselves by being truthful rather than naive.

It’s not that we are being negative but rather realistic and are only too aware of the possibilities and complications. I believe when I can feel the babies move and can count their kicks we might find some relief from our anxiety.

At this moment in time it’s impossible to know if everything is still progressing well without a scan. we just have to have hope that nothing changes between the scans.

I feel both Neil and I are feeling more confident between scans until the date comes close and then that familiar fear and anxiety set ins.

I guess this is because we have only ever known we have had a pregnancy loss via scans. My body seems to want to keep babies and doesn’t seem to get the information that the hearts have stopped.

Yet I still finish in the toilet by wiping and checking the tissue for blood. I think this is from our experience at 7 weeks when there was blood even if this has never been a sign for us previously.

I guess these fears and worries will probably subside but remain for the whole of the pregnancy. What I know is that Neil and I are good at communicating with each other and have grown stronger through our experiences.

The house and a nursery is of course a unwanted stress but it’s a practical issue that we can only do so much about. I feel that we will overcome any challenges we face and will make our situation work whatever it might be.

We are parents to angels and have left the hospital without our babies. I honestly believe that nothing will come close to how difficult that was. When you have cremated your children you are never the same person, life is never the same and your perspective changes but what does amaze me is just how resilient we are.

The most important thing is to bring these babies home and the love they already have from so many people give Neil and I the confidence that we can face whatever life throws at us together in our unconventional but loving family.