If you are reading this blog then I kindly ask that you respect the fact that I am already a mother. I am a mother to angels, a step daughter and a foster daughter.
I feel that I am a mother with years of experience from the age 12+ and a mother with the most awful experience of delivering sleeping babies. I guess I’m the mother that no one would chose to be.
I am really struggling at the moment and I am writing this blog from a very self centred point of view and also do not include Neil’s thoughts or feelings.
This time of year is always tough for me. It’s around the time my mum died and it’s coming up to the date we would have had Kora and Ava by c section. These anniversaries also fall near Christmas time, a time of year my mum made so special for us.
My thoughts are also with my auntie at this time of year as it falls upon the time she became a mum to an Angel too.
I don’t know if it is the time of year that makes me feel more somber or if it is the pregnancy hormones making my emotions more heightened.
I have been very teary but I think it’s because I am almost at the stage of pregnancy where we lost Kora and Ava. It’s a milestone that we are edging towards and with it brings so much more questions and worries.
We are entering a stage of this pregnancy where previously we were surrounded by death, a prolonged hospital stay and delivery of our babies long before their December due date.
I am plagued with thoughts and I am unsure if other expectant mothers have these thoughts or if I have them because of what we have been through.
For example I worry that the world is going to be unkind to me and that something is going to go wrong. Not completely irrational as this has happened and could happen again especially with a multiple birth. 37-38 weeks pregnant feels like a lifetime to arrive at.
I worry that the scales are not reflecting the recommended weight gain or rather the very lower end of the weight gain for twin pregnancy and what this means. Again probably a justified worry as it’s about the health of the babies and the hope that nothing will go wrong.
A day with less pregnancy symptoms worries me horrendously. Where have the symptoms gone and what does it mean? Why am I not hungry? Why don’t I feel so sick today? Why am I not dizzy and where has the pulsate tinnitus gone? Why have I not felt any butterflies this time? I still wipe and check for blood after every toilet visit.
Probably a very rational thought process seeing as our pregnancy losses have had no bleeding as a sign, it’s been my gut instinct that has told me something is wrong. Checking for bleeding is the rational as this is a sign of loss (even if we have never had this).
Neil had feared the worst with Kora and Ava. I had blissfully entered the scan room believing the best news was still coming our way. Hindsight tells me the signs were there but I just hadn’t noticed them as it was my first pregnancy.
I had stopped having butterflies from their movements. I wasn’t hungry and the sickness had stopped. There was no bleeding though so I carried on planning, hoping, preparing and most of full of excitement and love. Something I now worry about doing.
I worry that I have no mother to support me or ask questions to in regards to what I am doing. Neil has been through the baby stage before whereas I have only ever held my babies in the palm of my hand.
I think about the practical aspects and whether I will be any good. Almost every woman I speak to tells me how they had support from their mum, after all they have been there and got the t-shirt. They have that extra support that I worry we don’t have (Neil’s mum also died young).
It’s a strange concept as if my mum was alive and here now she would be the first to tell you that she was not maternal. I worry that I might take after her and be fooling myself about my maternal instincts.
I worry that I will be on my own with not just one baby but two newborn babies. Neil reassures me that he is here too but I can’t help but feel that with us both being self employed it means that we need to work as well. We can’t both take time off as we need to put food on the table and provide for all our family. Again a rational and realistic thought I believe.
Most families I speak to have had employment and have been given maternity and parternity leave. They have also been in a position where one can work and the other can stay at home. Most of them also have had one baby not twins.
I worry that my close network of friends and family is very small. I worry that I am too proud to ask for help as much as I might need it. I have always been fiercely independent and pride myself on my achievements.
When Kora and Ava were delivered sleeping we had no choice but to return to work as we did not get the bereavement leave that others are entitled too. I delivered them on the Sunday and I was working on the Tuesday. We didn’t and still don’t have the luxury of bereavement leave or any kind of maternity/paternity leave.
I worry when I am on the toilet for bowel movements. It appears as an irrational thought that I might push so hard due to pregnancy constipation that a baby might drop into the toilet.
I know this sounds crazy but it stems from delivering Kora. Neil and I had decided the first twin out would be named Kora. The midwife made me sit on the toilet and push. Kora come flying out and smacked into the bedpan. It’s why she looks a little battered in our only photos.
We also experienced a medical miscarriage at home this May. This obviously involved passing the baby and sac in the toilet. So I guess this is where the fear comes from even if this one is irrational.
I worry that I will deliver the twins and then be the mother that ends up with post natal depression. It would be so ironic after everything we have gone through to become biological parents for me then to get something like that. Again not completely irrational and it happens to many mothers.
I worry about the labour and how different it will be compared to Kora and Ava. I am hoping for a natural birth but only time will tell. I had no idea what I was doing before as they came so early and I’m still not sure what I should do now.
I’ve not packed a bag before and I don’t know what to put in it for twins. I didn’t get the chance to breast feed Kora and Ava and I’m not sure what will happen with the twins.
We don’t know if we will have a natural birth or a c section as it all depends on the position of twin 1. We know that induction of labour didn’t work before. I still have no idea how we managed to deliver Kora and Ava with no preparation and knowing they were sleeping.
We haven’t purchased anything and we don’t have a nursery ready. These are the parts of a pregnancy that can bring so much joy. I seem to have acquired Neil’s fear previously with Kora and Ava that buying things will mean something bad will happen and again I’ll be left with an empty nest. A cot that never has a sleeping baby, a play mat that collects dust.
The biggest worry of all though is of course bringing them home safe and healthy. It’s coming up to our 16 weeks scan. The one that shattered our dreams with Kora and Ava. It’s probably the reason my anxiety is so heightened right now and also why I am overwhelmed with grief at unexpected moments.
As the scan draws nearer I worry that we will hear those words we have heard so many times. “I’m sorry there are no heartbeats”. We have fallen into the lower percentages in all of our pregnancies and on all but one pregnancy (Kora and Ava) there has been no reason for our loss.
This makes everyday in the pregnancy so very difficult as we just don’t know if all is ok. We bump into people and they very kindly ask how the pregnancy is going. I always answer with the same statement…”As far as we know everything is ok”.
This is how I live everyday, with hope that all is ok but with complete uncertainty that it is. When I spoke to the twin midwife this week it was so lovely to hear her reassure me that my fears are absolutely justifiable.
She stated that with our complex history and losses mainly without cause or reason we would understandably feel the anxiety and fears that we are.
I guess what I am learning is that on the whole we are doing ok with coping. It is ok for both of us to feel the way we feel. It is pointless when anyone says don’t worry as what parent doesn’t worry and as the professionals have said to us, we have every reason to feel the way we feel.
Our fears might be both rational and irrational but they come from our experiences so far and therefore are to be expected. I believe that we are all guilty of having irrational fears and as long as we then rationalise them this is in fact just the norm.
Our pregnancy was always going to be difficult especially with it being another twin pregnancy. We don’t have to be enjoying every moment of the pregnancy. I’m not sure why there is a pressure on couples to love every moment.
I don’t know where or when the pregnancy glow and the blissful happiness concept was derived. I know that many couples struggle with fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss and sleeping babies. Pregnancy can be a very daunting and worrying time!
Anxiety in pregnancy is ok and understandable and as long as we bring them home then we can enjoy every moment that we have with them because these ones are the ones we will watch grow! We will hopefully hold them not only in our hearts forever but in our arms too.
Stars in the Sky 