It is with a very heavy heart that I write to our daughters who are not here but have given us so much. The 20th December (Sunday) you would have both be turning two. It was the c section date briefly discussed as you were MCMA. A natural birth we were told was not an option.
Having one placenta between you both would run the risk of it dropping leaving one of you inside the womb. We didn’t care how you arrived into the world at that point but we never imagined you would arrive early, naturally and sleeping.
I wasn’t ready to deliver you both. You were my first pregnancy and I didn’t have a clue what I was to expect. I thought we would follow the norm, find out we were pregnant and deliver you both.
I had worried that I would not know which one of you I had feed as you were to be identical. I was intrigued about how we would make sure you were treated as individuals and have the pleasure of watching you both grow.
I hadn’t had the chance to even think about your birth. I had not looked into labour, contractions, breathing etc. We were only 16 weeks and 4 days pregnant when they told us your heartbeats had stopped so we were definitely not prepared for you to enter the world. You did enter the world sleeping at just under 19 weeks pregnant.
I remember the days vividly (although some details are hazy due to trauma) as they are the only memories of you both. After the scan when we were told you had no heartbeats we were taken into a quiet room. I remember crying initially but that it stopped quickly and a numbness overtook me.
I was given a pill to swallow to end the pregnancy. It has to be the most bitter pill I have ever had to swallow. I knew you were sleeping but it felt so wrong to take the pill. Yet at the same time I knew I needed to deliver you so that both me, your dad and sister could meet you and say goodbye.
It’s surreal as the hospital then send you on your way and ask you to return in two days time. Those two days were ones I found the hardest. At nearly 17 weeks pregnant with twins I had a lovely little bump. It was clear to the world that I was pregnant! Only your dad and I knew that you were sleeping and soon to be on your way.
Of course the next day I came across a person that didn’t know I was pregnant, who saw my bump and exclaimed with excitement “You’re pregnant”! I couldn’t fight the tears back so I just asked her to stop. I would not have left the house but I was due in court as a Mckenzie friend and didn’t want to let the person down. I also wasn’t sure what to do with myself.
That day was the day I took a photo of my bump. I don’t know why I hadn’t kept a photo journal of my first pregnancy and it dawned on me that I had no bump photo. It is one I treasure now but when I look at it I can see the pure devastation and sadness in my eyes.
I am pregnant again now for the fifth time with a brother and sister of yours. I don’t know why but I still haven’t been able to bring myself to take a photo of their baby bump.
Your dad and I went to bed early that Friday. I guess we weren’t sure what to expect the following day. It was pointless as neither of us slept well. We just lay with each other completely bereaved.
We didn’t have a hospital bag packed and I’m grateful to my friend who told me to pack sanitary towels as I had no idea I would bleed so much and for so long after. I was a complete novice!
We were in hospital for 10 days whilst constantly being induced. I was the 1 in 70,000 that induction of labour fails to work. The midwives told me they had not experienced this before as it is quite rare.
The hospital experience was pretty dire but that is another story. What I took from this time was how close you brought your dad and I. Ten days of each other’s company with no breaks. We spoke so much and discussed the hardest of topics.
Did we want to bury you or cremate you? Did we want to hold you when you were delivered? What clothes should we wrap you in as nothing would fit? What songs should we would choose for your funeral?
The first form I ever signed for you was a pink form. It asked for the signature of the mum only. It was the first time I had been called mum and the form was your cremation one.
I’m not sure how your dad and I got through those 10 days but we did and I’m sure we owe it to everything you gave to us.
I went into labour on the 19th August 2018 but I had no idea it was contractions. The midwife team had overdosed me by 12 times the amount and so I was running a fever too. I was put onto an antibiotic drip and taken to the delivery suite.
Your dad held my hand the whole time and I remember looking at his face and feeling so guilty that I was delivering you both sleeping. When the midwife asked if I was in pain I replied only my in my heart.
I don’t know what to expect when I deliver your brother and sister. The room when I delivered you was so quiet. The midwives sat on chairs behind a table writing notes and your dad and I sat mainly in silence. I went into labour at 7am and into the delivery suite at 9am. I delivered you Kora at 10am and you Ava at 11:01am.
When you arrived in the world there was just silence. No cries, no joy, no relief just complete silence. At the time we decided not to hold you. We thought you would feel cold and we just weren’t sure what to do.
The midwives took your photos and we looked at you both cuddled together. We spent all of five minutes with you both. We know there is no wrong or right way to deal with grief or the loss of babies. However we both regretted not holding you.
We visited you again by appointment at the morgue. We both realised that we wanted to hold our beautiful babies before you were put into a coffin.
No one warned us that you would look different. At first we thought we might regret our decision however over time we have come to consider all the little moments we had with you are truly the most special especially as we will have no more with you.
We are so fortunate that we held you both and that we have some beautiful photos of you because Sunday we should be taking photos of you unwrapping your presents.
We are left with what ifs and I wonder what’s. We can only imagine how you the terrible twos would have made our home entertaining, joyous, loving and probably stressful at times. We can only wonder who you would have looked like and what our lives could have been.
It is one of the hardest days I find especially being close to Christmas. Yet somehow this year I am again thanking my blessings for all that you gave to us. You are the reason we know we can get pregnant and have healthy babies. You gave me the experience of pregnancy and delivery. You give us hope that we will bring your brother and sister home.
I can’t thank you enough for making me the person I am today or for making me realise how lucky I am. You are the reason your dad and I married so quickly and have helped me see the importance of parenting both my own biological and non biological children. You are the reason I write and the reason I find strength.
I love you both more than you will ever know and I wish you were here on your second birthday. Love you more than there are stars in the sky. Love your mum. X
Stars in the Sky 