Pregnancy after loss

I am writing this blog as I feel that there is a lack of awareness about how difficult it is to be pregnant after loss(es).

As humans we always like to hear good news stories and I have noticed that when I write about my current pregnancy I get lovely responses and support. However when I write about our losses, grieving, miscarriage or infertility the responses I get are more minimal.

Of course I am unaware if people read the blog and chose not to comment. I have found that people just don’t know what to say and so the majority say nothing. I have also found that those who have lost babies themselves are the ones that comment and relate to my words.

This is why I write and why I feel a blog like this is important to raise awareness and help people to feel confident to discuss or comment on these topics.

I am aware that I mention comments that have been said to us and this might make people worry about commenting. This is not my intention. I want to help people to think about their comments (including professionals I have talked about previously).

In the two years we have suffered six losses to date and whenever someone has made a comment I have never lost my temper. We know how hard it is to talk to us about our babies. We appreciate your attempts. I merely write to support others and raise the much needed awareness.

So with this in mind I want to discuss becoming pregnant after loss and how it is so difficult compared to the joy of pregnancy without the knowledge or pain of previous loss.

It starts at the very beginning, the pregnancy test. Anyone who has stared willingly at the stick hoping to see a positive result this time appreciates the intensity and anxiety at this point. A less than two minutes test that can change your life forever.

The heartache when you are trying to conceive and you stare month after month at a negative is soul destroying. Neil and I were fortunate that we only had this for nine months. We have fallen pregnant five times in just over two years. We know and appreciate this fortune.

For us the anxiety heightens with the positive pregnancy test as we are in the 10% of unknown reasons why we have lost so many babies. Kora and Ava were MCMA and informed the professionals that we can have healthy babies and go onto second trimester. They don’t know why our other babies heartbeats stopped.

This in itself is the hardest part of being pregnant now. When I share our progress I get lots of good intentioned comments about relaxing now that we are over half way. We are only two weeks past the stage where I delivered Kora and Ava.

As a sign language interpreter I work in many maternity appointments and have been involved professionally with scans, births and general midwife appointments. I have followed people’s pregnancy and their losses (even in third trimester).

We are also part of a support group for parents whose babies have been born sleeping or died after birth. We constantly hear of their losses.

I have said previously that I consider myself to be a positive person who on the whole will be optimistic, however I am also a realist. Therefore all those comments about relaxing or congratulations on being over halfway are taken with the intent that they are said.

However I repeat what I say regularly in my blogs that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. People announce at 12 weeks because we are told that our chances of pregnancy loss are reduced from this point. Yet 1 in 235 pregnancies in the UK are babies born sleeping.

Due to our experiences we are more than aware of these statistics. People might think when they read this that the statistic is high and the chances of this happening is low.

Neil and I have fallen into all the rare statistics in our pregnancies. 1% of identical twins are MCMA. Only 2% of IVF pregnancies result in ectopic pregnancy when there are no fertility issues. Only 1 in 70,000 women find that induction of labour doesn’t work for them. Having 2 embryos transferred only increases your chance of falling pregnant with 1 baby by 5%. 10% of miscarriages/pregnancy losses are unexplained.

These statistics are of course the ones that we have fallen into. So although people say to me they have a good feeling about this pregnancy, relax your over halfway, or congratulations, I can not forget that we are blessed to get this far.

I try to explain that we take each day as it comes and are grateful for everyday that the pregnancy is still progressing.

In the past a day after an operation to remove my tube and a baby someone said to me that if they win the lottery they will buy me a black baby. I’m unsure why ethnicity was mentioned or why they felt the need to say they would buy me a baby.

Even with mindless comments like these I have responded in a well mannered way and tried not to make that person feel uncomfortable.

During this pregnancy I have had many comments from people that have stopped at our doorstep state that I am not very big for someone carrying twins.

Initially Neil would worry about the size of me and my weight gain but after reassurances by professionals that the babies are growing perfectly he manages this anxiety well.

A twin pregnancy does not necessarily mean a huge belly or massive weight gain. Twins are often smaller in size as they are sharing the space. Two babies often weigh 10lb. Singleton mother’s can have one baby weighing this much.

Again this comment is not malicious but rather an observation. My advice to people would be that if you are aware of previous losses for the couple be mindful that anxiety will be high and comments that can contain negative connotations are probably best avoided.

This pregnancy has been filled with anxiety for both of us and still is due to what we know. When we were informed on our last scan that our girl has placenta previa we got many comments not to worry.

If the placenta does not move then the professionals have to avoid the possibility of us going into labour. Therefore the twins will be delivered much earlier to prevent this. This is because of the risk to both myself and the baby if a natural birth took place.

I know that people including myself and Neil remain hopeful that the placenta will move. Comments are made with this optimism and I understand this however I can not stress enough how this is a complication we just didn’t want in our pregnancy.

With so much anxiety already due to our losses any complications (even ones that may correct themselves) add more worry and concern.

We have started to buy essentials such as car seats now as we are more than half way through and twins can come from 26 weeks onwards.

Again this is testament to Neil and I who are hopeful that we will leave hospital with our babies. Yet we still don’t cut of the tags and keep the receipts and boxes. This is not because we anticipate the worse, it’s because we know it can happen.

We don’t have the full excitement and joy of buying and preparing for our babies and that is ok and understandable. It does not affect how much we already love our children. It does not affect our hope that we will bring them home.

Finally I personally have found our losses very hard to grieve as I feel the world and people are not ready to talk about this loss. I look back on my blogs and comments and notice we are inundated with comments when we discuss positives with the pregnancy.

However when I write about Kora and Ava, pregnancy loss, miscarriage or fertility issues the comments are minimal. This has made my grief very lonely and I hear from others who have lost that they feel the same.

Again intentions are well meant and a heart emoji on a heartfelt blog about loss, pain and grieve is probably the persons way of showing they care. I wonder why the words don’t flow? Are my babies not worth the time to type something? I know this is not the case but rather it comes back to the taboo of this topic and lack of awareness. Also a fear of what to say.

I guess I’m hoping this blog raises some awareness and helps people to think about their comments and give a grieving father or mother their time and thoughts. It’s ok not to know what to say or to say something and get it wrong.

I want people to feel confident to write something, pick up the phone, drop a text, pop round for a cup of tea. I want people to think carefully what to say but don’t be scared to show you care. I want to grieve in the way I did when I lost my mum. I want to be able to talk about my babies.

Grieving parents know it’s difficult to know what to say to them. They know you might say something that is perceived as wrong. We know this is a very hard subject to talk about. We know your fears. Don’t leave us isolated in an all consuming grieve. If you don’t know what to say then listen.

Understand that a pregnancy after loss is not the same as a pregnancy with no previous loss. Listen to the person and understand their anxiety. If you are unsure take their lead. Appreciate their fears and think about your comments but know that what you say is ok when well intended even if it isn’t the best comment.