Nesting

It’s an expression banded around especially when a pregnancy is talked about. It’s not just the human race that undertake it either. It’s the natural instinct to make your home organised and ready for the arrival.

I have the urge to make the house ready and more prepared for the arrival of the twins yet after losses it is difficult to undertake this with confidence.

We are not naive enough to believe that everything will go to plan and that we are guaranteed to walk out of the hospital with our babies but we feel more confident of the possibility.

We had both started to feel more confident in this pregnancy and have prepared a little, in the way we can at present. We have relaxed a little as both Neil and I can now feel the babies. We struggle to feel our boy as his placenta is cushioning him. Our girl often has what feels like a disco inside me.

Yet feeling the babies move everyday is what I think I needed to relieve a little of my anxiety day to day that they are alive in there. I had only ever experienced quickening so this is a special milestone for us. We are so close to third trimester!

It’s a fine balance preparing and purchasing. We don’t want to buy too much as we know there are no guarantees. It’s as if we gain the confidence to nest and prepare only to have the shock of blood. It’s like we are being reminded that we are not out of the woods yet.

However on Sunday there was some blood. The fear and anxiety of heartbreak loomed! I spoke to the triage midwife and was informed that it can be common when you have placenta previa. It’s so difficult to keep the confidence and enjoyment of the pregnancy when things like this happen and especially after all our losses.

I have always had a natural instinct to nest regardless of whether the child entering my home is biological or not. When Alissa arrived on our doorstep during lockdown we didn’t have the opportunity to prepare the room for her arrival.

However when she came to me at 12 years of age I did exactly what my motherly instincts were crying out to do. I prepared her room with love and prepared our house to make it feel like her home.

Alissa’s arrival was unique and a story we both laugh at now. Her first sentence to me involved a few expletives and included the statement that she was not coming in MY house. We quickly resolved her anxiety and she entered the house and became a huge part of my family.

When she arrived on our doorstep again she was 17 years old. I am in awe with my husband and how he opened his door and his heart to her. I am honoured that she felt she could turn up on our doorstep. Our unconventional family is almost complete.

So you see it is very different preparing your home for a foster child compared to preparing a nursery and your home for your babies. The main difference is Alissa would enter our home with opinions, judgements and preconceived expectations.

There are however some similarities such as safety. When we prepare for the babies we are looking at keeping them safe practically. We want to love and nurture them. Alissa would have felt exactly the same, that she wanted to feel safe in a home and loved. The babies hopefully will feel this immediately whereas Alissa needed time to feel this with us.

At the moment we are unable to prepare a nursery as we don’t have the room however we know that this will change. Firstly we are preparing Alissa’s and Amy’s (Neil’s daughter) rooms.

For Alissa this means deciding and helping with the decoration and plans. It embeds her sense of belonging. For Amy we hope it means that she feels welcome to stay as often as she likes. We hope that she feels like she is home from home.

We hope that they feel they have their own space at home but are immersed in our family home and life. We hope that they both feel comfortable to be here and build memories with the babies and us.

Doing this at the moment helps my need to nest! I am preparing the house and the enjoyment I get from making it a family home for all is meeting some of my needs. Especially during these difficult times due to the pandemic where so much of our pregnancy is affected by it.

I have never really understood comments made to me like wait till you have your own child or comments around the girls moving on or out to allow for room for the babies.

People have said to me in the past that when I hold my own baby I will understand the true love and connection, I will understand what it is like to be a mum.

This saddens me deeply. I am a mum. I have held my own babies in the palm of my hands. I am aware that Alissa and Amy have their biological mums, but this doesn’t lessen my role in their lives. My love for them both is not reduced because they didn’t come out of my vagina.

The way I parent them maybe different. I have to be respectful towards their upbringing and biological families. I look at them both with so much love. I look at them as my family too.

I know that they will both always want and need their mum and I don’t fool myself that this will be any different. I know that they will not call out “mum” for me but I know that I am a mother to them. I know how much they love me too.

I am the most blessed mum in the world. I am the mum who has cremated her children, suffered loss and the mum that has raised and loved non biological children.

There is enough love in this nest for all the family. Of course if we bring the babies home the love for them will be overwhelming and immense because it will not be just Neil and I that shower them with love. These babies have been longed for by so many.

These bricks and water that make our house may not be perfect or ready yet. The nest is still being prepared but the love in this family home has been waiting and ready for so much longer than the physical house.