Blood and Tears

I am writing this blog from the hospital. I had to come here yesterday and stay the night. I had got out of the bath and while putting my nightie on and applying the bio oil, I felt something fall out of my vagina.

To my horror there was blood on the carpet. In a dazed state I capped my hand underneath and went to get a cloth to clean up the blood. I think I was in shock and we had just paid for the carpets to be cleaned and this was stuck in my head.

However when I got to the bathroom and I was still bleeding I washed my hands and applied the appropriate protection. I then called for Neil who must have known something was wrong from my voice because he came running up the stairs.

I don’t really remember the shock in his face at this point but I could sense his fear too. I was concerned for Alissa and could see the worry in her face when I came down the stairs to get my shoes on. I tried to make light of the situation and joked that I had stated earlier that the carpets would only stay clean for a maximum of two days.

We set off for the hospital mainly in silence probably both anticipating the worst, after all what are you to think when you bleed like that and so early on in the pregnancy. I was numb and almost resigned myself for facing another loss and delivery.

When we arrived at the hospital Neil was told to wait outside and his parting words to me was not to let them scan me without him. I felt terrible as I could only imagine his anguish but at the same time I knew I had no power in this situation.

I was seen very quickly by the triage team and I explained that I had an extremely anxious husband outside and told them a brief synopsis of our pregnancy history. They broke the rules and allowed Neil to come in the room.

One of the first things they undertook was to listen for the babies heartbeats. Our boy was first and sure enough his heartbeat came out loud and proud. Both Neil and I were in tears of relief. However we knew that it was our girls placenta that would have caused the bleeding and were unsure if her heartbeat would be so prominent.

There it was, her heart beating, a little faster than our boys but definitely beating. I can not describe in words this feeling of relief. This pregnancy has been such as anxious rollercoaster due to previous loss and experiences.

I find it very frustrating when I am told not to worry. I wonder what mother and father don’t worry about their children. I also know that most people that state this have not experienced loss like ours and therefore can not fathom what it is like to have a healthy baby or babies with beating hearts one minute and for it to be taken so cruelly away the next.

I feel sometimes that people think I am being negative but I can assure you we hope for the best. We unfortunately know the realities and facts more than others and therefore we are left with having to be realistic. I would love to be the woman that naively goes through their pregnancy with little care in the world and a smug smile of excitement.

Of course both Neil and I wondered if I had done something to make this happen. I guess Neil feels this as he has no control over my body and what I do day to day. I felt this as getting this far in a pregnancy is new to me and I am confused with what take it easy looks like.

The next morning I asked the doctor our questions. Was my bath too hot? Is working 7 days a week too much at 25+ weeks pregnant (even if most of it involves sitting down). Is exercise ok (as I read it was good for me and the babies) but am I walking the dog too far or too much? I’ve not once had an afternoon nap. How do we know the placenta is ok if they haven’t scanned me?

The main question was answered that the placenta will be fine for our girl. It will have moved a little as not attached in the right place and the risk is more to me than the baby. They stated the overnight stay was because sometimes a bleed can signify early labour and more bleeding to follow.

They decided against giving me steroid injections for the babies lungs as they started to feel confident that it was not an indication of early labour. However they may still administer the injections at a later date as the bleed could be a sign of an earlier than planned labour. Monitoring us all will be the solution.

They told me I am probably doing too much but to listen to my body and rest when it tells me. They said for now I can carry on as I am but that I would need to slow down in the coming weeks especially if I have another bleed (which could result in being told to bed rest).

Their main concern was that Neil and I do not undertake intercourse. I said we had been told this and had followed the guidelines since then. They told me exercise is good just don’t do too much!

I am still very confused as to what is too much but I am confident that I can listen to my body and I will be taking it a little easier from now. It has been a very long night and day in the hospital especially with only Neil being allowed to visit for the maximum of 3 hours.

They have said I can go home at 6pm tonight and they will listen to the babies heartbeats one more time before I leave to reassure us that all is ok. I guess now its going to feel like a very long wait to the next scan when we see them again and know nothing has happened between now and then.

I am just going to hold on to the fact that when I feel our girl move then I am hopeful that our boy is moving too. The midwife stated he moved lots when she listened to his heartbeat. I just can’t feel him move most of the time.

I have to trust my instincts and hope that Neil trusts them too. We have to hope that they stay safe and sound in my womb until much nearer their due date and that their movements become stronger and clearer as they grow.