Third Trimester

I recently heard an analogy regarding the third trimester and it resonated with me. I want to take you back to the Brownlee Brothers running the marathon, I think we all remember that image of one brother carrying the other across the finish line.

Third trimester feels very similar to me. I have the finish line in my sights but crossing that line almost feels unrelenting at the moment. I know how fortunate we are to be pregnant and get to 30 weeks and third trimester, especially with twins. We also know what it is like to be on our fifth pregnancy without bringing any of our babies home.

I feel it is this situation that causes me so much dilemma in the pregnancy. I know and see so many people that have lost a pregnancy, a baby or struggle to even conceive at all. Therefore when I’m asked how I’m feeling or how I am doing I tend to respond with “ok thank you”.

Sometimes I add a tiered into the response as I know the person asking probably expects some degree of honesty when in the third trimester. Yet in my head I am the brother that needs all the help I can get to make it across that finish line.

Emotionally and physically I am flagging. I go between feeling optimistic and excited to scared, anxious and nervous. I know these are very normal feelings for any expectant parents, I just feel ours are heightened from our losses and experiences.

At the point that I start to relax a little and believe I am bringing these babies home, a post will appear in the support group we belong detailing either an anniversary of a baby who lived only a few weeks or a recently bereaved parent at 32-39 weeks pregnant.

It is that harsh reminder that the finish line is there but we haven’t crossed it yet. It’s the cruel horrible truth that there are no guarantees in any pregnancy or even birth. We know the statistics are low that the chances are we will bring these babies home yet we have hit every low statistic in our trying to conceive and pregnancy journey.

1 in 250 babies are born sleeping (still born). This statistic is the same odds of anyone having identical twins (we did). The odds of having fraternal twins naturally is also the same 1 in 250. The odds of having twins with IVF is slightly increased with the use of certain hormone drugs to help the body reproduce more eggs (we did not have these drugs but still fell pregnant with twins). The chances of having 3 sets of twins is 1 in 88,000 (we have fallen 3 times with twins).

A well known charity has researched that sleeping on your back whilst pregnant can increase your chances of having a still birth. This is why the NHS and other organisations strongly encourage pregnant woman to use pillows to keep them on their left hand side.

Being in third trimester has not necessarily alleviated our concerns and worries. If I wake up and I have some how managed to roll onto my back, my eyes widen in fear. I wait for ages to feel the babies move before I can be reassured enough to sleep again. The difference with getting to third trimester is I have a few more helpful signs like this to ease the worry.

I am conflicted with my emotions and stages of the pregnancy. I don’t feel like I should complain about the swollen ankles, exhaustion, aches, interrupted sleep from peeing and dreams (to name a few just a few of the pregnancy signs/symptoms). I know more than anyone how many other people would want to trade places with us and I guess it is this makes me sensitive to it.

Neil and I know what it is like to deliver our babies in the silence of the ward room before they are taken to the morgue. We know how hard it is to leave the hospital without your babies, to walk away from them knowing the next time you will see them will be either at the morgue or staring at the small white coffin.

Therefore how can I complain or break down with overwhelming hormones and emotions when we know we are blessed to be this far along?

I saw the consultant nearly two weeks ago now and she told me that I have scored 3 points on the blood clot risk assessment and have had to inject myself every day since (up to a further 15 weeks possibly).

Neil and I are not adverse to injecting as we have been through two rounds on IVF and about 6 months worth of injections. This time though we are injecting into my thighs rather than my belly. It doesn’t feel right to inject where the babies are.

I consider myself to have quite a high pain threshold however these daily injections bring tears to my eyes every morning. My legs are black and blue with bruises. Yet again I feel guilty for becoming upset or being in pain when it may result in bringing home all of us safe and sound.

My subconscious must be going through the mixed emotions too as often my dreams are either wonderful ones involving having the babies at home or fearful ones around delivery and loss of the babies. It seems whether I am awake or asleep I am plagued with this state of mind.

On occasions I still wipe and check for bleeding. If I haven’t felt the babies move as much I literally poke and shake my belly to wake them up and make them move. (I am hopeful that they might get revenge on us when they are safe in our home).

I wanted so badly to enjoy this pregnancy and be positive in my mindset but I don’t believe we have had much opportunity to do this with our past experiences, the blood losses we have experienced in this pregnancy, the complication of the placenta and how we will deliver and now the daily injections.

What I do know is how very grateful we are to be here on this day feeling the babies move. I am not sure I like the feeling or that I will miss it when it is gone, as the most important thing to me is to have these babies at home in our arms safe and healthy. I know that movement today does not mean movement tomorrow.

We are still counting down the days of our prison sentence and although we can see the finish line in our sights we know we have a long 5-6 weeks ahead of us. I am grateful to my close friends and family for being the Brownlee brother and literally hauling me across the finish line. Without those closet to me I fear I would have struggled even more than I have especially with being pregnant in a pandemic that has been at its worse this year.