I’m Ok.

What feels like a very long time ago now, I wrote a blog titled “are you ok”? I spoke very honestly about the avoidance we have felt in relation to talking about our losses. It was also a very honest account of a mother dealing with the loss and facing the world that maybe isn’t ready or as understanding as it could be in regards to pregnancy loss.

I raised that often people will message to ask if I am ok? I spoke about the ease to message rather than pick up the phone and listen to the sobs and tears as they come.

Yet at nearly 34 weeks pregnant with the twins, I find myself guilty of the nonsensical response “I’m ok” when asked how I’m doing or feeling. The midwife I have seen a few times now stated at our last appointment that she doesn’t believe my polite response.

It was nice in a way that she could understand that i was in fact being polite and not wanting to off load, moan or appear unappreciative of our current situation. I have mentioned many times just how fortunate Neil and I are to be blessed to get to this point in the pregnancy with our twins.

It is this guilt of knowing others would swap positions with me in an instance that prevents me from maybe telling the truth to the question of how are you doing/feeling?

When I started this blog it was predominantly about Kora and Ava and our pregnancy loss. It was to raise awareness and challenge medical and societies views around such a taboo subject. It was to help others who may face a similar situation and to help those who were around friends or family that were facing such a loss.

I don’t think i ever gave up hope that we could bring babies home but for our own mental health and well-being we did come to the decision that we might stop trying and focus on ourselves if we weren’t successful this time.

So i am extremely grateful to be heavily pregnant and getting closer to bringing them home as we mark off each day. I guess it is this and how others must feel that makes me reluctant to truly express how I am doing or feeling.

Yet i realise that this blog is to help people in all different situations and being pregnant after losses and dealing with the anxiety of that is another important topic that I feel I should express and cover.

Therefore I am going to state the truth to the question and not answer with the expected response of I’m ok. I am going to express how tough I have found things lately and i refuse to feel guilty for expressing this (even with the knowledge of how fortunate we are to be blessed with two and in third trimester).

I am exhausted! Emotionally, mentally and physically. I have been put on iron tablets, blood clot thinning injections and have been on aspirin since 10 weeks pregnant. My thighs are black and blue from daily injections. I eat Gaviscon like they are sweets! I have had nausea, dry retching, acid reflux and heartburn since 5 weeks pregnant.

As a sign language interpreter I already had Repetitive Strain Injury and in this pregnancy it has become considerably more severe and painful (all part of being pregnant I am told). My fingers are the size of elephant toes and I can’t hold or grip things. I wake up with numbness or pins and needles and by the end of the day my hands and fingers are stiff.

What are ankles? I don’t appear to have them anymore. I wake up with them the size of bowling balls and I go to bed with them the same size or bigger. They throb rhythmically with the soles of my feet!

I have disturbed sleep and awful dreams including one of delivering Ava again and watching her die in front of me with blood pouring out of every hole. I also dreamt that Flick’s (our dog) eye was ripped out by brambles and she want from a happy carefree dog to an anxious and sad one.

I am sleep deprived from getting up to pee constantly obviously due to being pregnant and having one kidney. I am also woken by bouts of nausea and have to take yet more Gaviscon and wait for it work before i can try and sleep again.

If i wake on my back I have to remain awake until I feel both babies move and know that I have not killed them by ending up sleeping on my back.

I still wipe and look for blood. Now this has changed more to early signs of labour rather than loss of the babies. I am concerned that labour will come early and the complications I know that will present in relation to our situation.

I am congested and often this too wakes me from my sleep as I can’t breathe. I blow my nose and all I get is blood. Another effect of pregnancy and the amount of blood going through my body due to having twins.

The movements of the babies add anxiety sometimes. I worry that I won’t notice when they change or if I need to contact the midwife. I also find some of the movements very uncomfortable and alien like. The guilt that runs through me for thinking and feeling this is horrendous. People tell me I will miss it when its gone but I’m not so sure about that. I just want these babies in my arms. I don’t enjoy the hand being pressed on my bladder.

I am experiencing more and more Braxton Hicks and its a sensation that is new to me. It is another milestone that is both gratefully received and upping my anxiety.

The midwife tells me that I am doing too much and that I need to slow down yet the reality of this is impossible. An afternoon nap is out of the question with working (self employed) and the noisy banging above my head as I type and the builders make our loft room to give our family the rooms that we need.

I get frustrated when Neil asks if i want my back rubbed or my hands massaged. I want him to just do it without asking me. I want him to see just how much I am doing and recognise my emotional and physical needs. I am unsure if this is fair or unfair after all this is new to me. I get anxious when he has a few beers at the weekend or after work as i know these babies could come at anytime from now and I wonder who will drive us to the hospital.

I am impoverished with the endless tidying and cleaning up of the house. I am flummoxed how it appears impossible for others to put the toilet roll in the bathroom cupboards. I don’t understand how its always me that goes to the toilet only to find that I have no paper to wipe with! Or how the empty loo roll gets put on the windowsill instead of into the bin that is positioned right beneath the windowsill it is put on.

I can bleach and clean the house spending so much time making it clean and tidy (with regular breaks for babies) only to watch as clothes appear on the bathroom floor, plates don’t make it into the dishwasher or the builder falls through the loft hatch and gets wood and dust on the staircase I just hoovered.

I know this is standard family life and usually I could handle this but as a tiered pregnant woman I am flagging and that walk down the stairs to get the toilet roll feels like a descent down a mountain especially with the lower back pain.

I am tiered and scared to be the person that becomes a nag and so I silently continue to complete the housework, sort and prepare the house, work all three of my jobs whilst also emotionally supporting all those around me. I know that what is important is our family and not how clean my floors are but I have always looked after my home and it keeps my own mind sound when it is tidy and organised.

Covid has made this pregnancy even harder and very isolating. We do not have a big support network anyway but Covid has ensured that this has been even more distant and difficult. We have not been around family much and certain members we have seen very occasionally and not had the opportunity to share the pregnancy.

I have seen Amy (Neil’s daughter) once since being pregnant with the twins. The restrictions have meant that Amy has missed out on being here with us and being involved with her brother and sisters development.

The continued restrictions mean that in the hospital Neil will have limited time with the babies (visiting hours only) on the day of their arrival. This seems so unfair when we have been so through so much to hopefully bring them home.

Alissa (our foster daughter) and Amy are not allowed to visit in the hospital to meet the twins and have to wait till I am allowed home. This will depend on many circumstances in relation to what happens with the birth.

Nearly every arrangement with friends that I have made in accordance to Covid restrictions has been changed or cancelled. I can count on both hands how many times i have cried to Neil because it was the only little bit of normality or excitement I had and with such little support it was the release/respite or support that I was looking forward to.

I have been feeling a failure in everything I am doing and feel like I am not meeting or fulfilling the needs of any aspects or people in my life. I have been feeling miserable and I know how much it affects everyone in our house. I have wanted to talk to my mum so much and have been grieving her immensely lately. I feel like I am letting everyone down and until I walk out of that hospital with the babies I can’t even say I have succeeded in this pregnancy or birth.

I know that most of the way I am feeling is due to being pregnant after losses. I am justified in my emotions and feelings. It was never going to be an easy pregnancy after all our losses. We didn’t plan on our current home life but are so grateful to have it. It was always going to be hard and no one could anticipate the impact of a pandemic on top of it.

I know that we are blessed to have not only a roof over our heads but a loving family and home. I am more than aware how fortunate I am to even be able to moan about the pregnancy and how I am feeling. I live in hope that restrictions are easing and that life will become a little easier.

Everyday that we get closer to bringing them home alive and healthy is in itself a blessing and brings hope that although the pregnancy may have been difficult during a pandemic their lives might not be impacted as much when they are here.

I am thankful for this blog and hope that it helps other when they are struggling with their pregnancy and the guilt that comes along with that especially after loss. I hope to bounce back to someone more like my usual self very soon and this feeling of letting Neil, Amy, Alissa and the babies down will pass.