Since being pregnant I have been self isolating due to the pandemic and it has been mainly winter weather time meaning I have been wrapped up and not so on display. So the bump has not been as obvious and of course it also took a while for it to blossom.
In the last month or so I have had many more comments about my pregnancy as people can clearly see the bump now. The comments I get vary depending on how well the person knows me and our background and also people’s human nature to start a conversation or engage with another.
We also sometimes just pass flippant comments without knowing any background information and with no intention of offending or upsetting. Yet sometimes I still struggle with what to answer or how to answer or whether to challenge the comment or let it ride over my head.
Now that the bump is more obvious I have encountered the question on a regular basis of how long have you got left? I personally stumble with this question as we are having twins and therefore our due date is not necessarily our due date and because we have had a few complications our birth plan has been a little up in the air.
I find that most expecting couples have the same issue as all good plans are often thrown aside when it comes to a pregnancy and a birth. I guess we have to come to terms with expecting the unexpected.
However when i answer this question I often state that we are having twins to justify how difficult it is to give an answer to this question. Also always in the back of my mind is the whole no guarantees on bringing them home following all the reality we have faced and watched others face.
My answer usually leads onto another comment flippantly stated that I don’t look big enough to be having twins. Again I never really know what to say to this other than I can assure you that at every scan (and we have had a lots since 5 weeks pregnant) there has always been two babies!
It’s a strange comment as all woman carry differently depending on their size and statue. The amount of water they are carrying and the babies size all plays a part in the bump. Neil and I stopped comparing and measuring months ago when it was upsetting us and making us believe something could be wrong.
Another question that particularly strangers ask us next is “Is this your first pregnancy”? Firstly I am a little pleased at the geriatric age that I am people look at my face and believe that this could be my first! However then the awkwardness descends. At this point Neil looks away usually. He knows my answer is coming and he knows that the person that asks will often feel a little uncomfortable.
There is a silence as i find the nicest way to phrase it for the person that has asked. I am an advocate for baby loss awareness and write this blog to highlight these situations and aid awareness and understanding. Therefore how could i possibly answer with “yes” just to make that person more comfortable.
So i answer with a statement similar to “no, this is our fifth pregnancy, we just haven’t brought any home yet”. They always respond in a similar way with an “oh” and a taken back sadness quickly followed by well wishes.
I don’t mean to make them feel uncomfortable I just can’t deny our babies and our losses. It feels so wrong to me to dismiss any of our experiences or babies. Our loss is not lessened by two babies coming potentially coming home. We will watch these hit milestones and know that our others were not blessed with this. We will of course embrace these milestones with such joy and happiness but our silent sadness will never disappear.
Interestingly, a lady that I know from a local choir suffered miscarriages (this was a long time ago as her children are fully grown and have their own too). When she passed my house recently she mentioned how small I looked and that she can’t believe that I am carrying two. She then progressed to assume that these would be coming home and she said “you won’t remember or worry about your losses when these are in your arms”.
I honestly felt that even challenging her comment would have no effect or be to no avail so I said nothing (unlike me i know). I guess that when she suffered her losses things may have been different from a medical point of view but I am a strong believer that the moment you see a positive pregnancy test you are parents, you plan your future and imagine how your life will change. Most of us never fear or expect the worse outcomes no matter the 1 in 4 statistic.
Many women say to me “I have not experienced what you have and i was ONLY so many weeks”. This saddens me and reinforces the fact that miscarriage and pregnancy loss is still considered a taboo subject or somehow less significant if you didn’t pass a certain amount of weeks.
This is what I hope changes and I would love to be a person that raises this awareness. What other medical, either physical or mental, condition/experience would we dismiss so easily because we only had it for a short time? The impact of loss is severely understated and in particular the affects such as anxiety, grieve, depression, the time it takes the body to heal and so on.
I have mentioned throughout this blog how this pregnancy has been an extremely anxious time for both Neil and I for so many reasons. I have counted down each day like a prison sentence (not due to lack of love or hope but rather with an edge of being realistic).
On that note I have been in hospital on Thursday and again since Monday so am currently writing this blog from a hospital bed however i will leave the ins and outs of that to another blog. It just demonstrates my point that no plan is robust and complications can arise at any stage of pregnancy!
Another comment that was passed the other day was by a a lovely lady that I went to school with so i know it was said with no malicious intent but it highlights again how we just comment without understanding of someone’s situation. Something we can all be guilty of without meaning to be.
She has seen me a few times since being pregnant as she lives round the corner from me however like lots of people we know they were not aware that we were pregnant due to reasons stated above. She saw the bump and said when did this happen? How far are you? When I told her it was twins she said “what have you gone and done that for”?
She is a mother to a few children but admittedly had them long before us. I could have mentioned that these babies were very much desired and were made with love and science but I was tiered and so just responded saying how much we want them.
I don’t think that when these babies are in our arms I will ever be able to stop talking about our losses and experiences. They gave us so much and pushed us to be this far gone with our twins now. I just know (and I have said it so many times) that we are truly blessed if we get that photo of Neil walking out the hospital with two car seats.
It is so close now and I am aware of how may people’s hearts have been touched and are excited for us. Even if Neil and I are still facing challenges and have more worries than excitement right now we are truly grateful for everyone else’s excitement on our behalf.
We are grateful for all we have been given by so many wonderful people and for all the kind wishes and messages with whatever we have endured during this pregnancy. We are even more grateful for our angels and losses and for each other and all those that have supported us throughout. We can’t thank you all enough but you know who you are.
So I guess I can summarise by saying that talking publicly or facing people and strangers that are unaware of our journey has raised so many questions, circumstances and thoughts. It has given me the opportunity to express in this blog and I hope raise that all important awareness. I hope that I am able to continue to do this and thank you all again for your support however it has come.
Stars in the Sky 