It’s been a long time since I wrote, mainly because I haven’t found the time but also because I was unsure how to put these words into print. The details in this blog will be very hazy and I needed time to process my thoughts and feelings before I shared the twins story.
I have spoken to a number of people who have asked about the birth and interestingly they are quick to dismiss the trauma of our delivery with the sweeping statement that the twins are here now. I guess this is one reason i have taken so long to write. I have also noticed I am now repeating this statement in similar words.
What we have experienced was very traumatic and we are truly grateful that we have our beautiful twins. However in order for us to manage and process what happened it is helpful to talk or write about our experience. The same as it is recognised for people to talk about their traumas regardless of what they might be.
On Thursday 15th April 2021, Neil and I went to the hospital after calling maternity triage. I was concerned about the swelling in my feet and ankles. I thought it was beginning to look a little like pre eclampsia and I had felt for a week or so that my body was struggling and showing an early arrival of the twins. I also had reduced movements and wanted to have the babies heartbeats checked.
My bloods were taken in relation to the swelling and the babies heartbeats were monitored. Everything was just perfect with the babies heartbeats. I was sent home and told that if my bloods showed anything concerning they would call me the following day. We had no phone call so carried on as normal and attended what was meant to be our final scan on Monday 19th April 2021.
The sonographer mentioned a vague issue regarding our girl’s placenta or cord and said that the consultant would talk to us about the findings. I saw the consultant on my own as usual due to the pandemic and the consultant was unclear about what the sonographer had actually seen.
Neil and I are still unsure to this day, what was actually discovered on the scan as the consultant couldn’t speak to the sonographer while i was in the appointment to clarify her findings. We believe that it was either blood vessels on the placenta or the cord had started to prolapse.
The consultant then checked my bloods from the Thursday night and found that my platelets were low. I was unsure what this meant or even what platelets were. When i researched it upon my release from hospital (and by that i mean i googled it) i found out its what makes your blood clot when a wound occurs to stop you bleeding too much.
We were aware of the fact that I was at risk of significant blood loss but we had no understanding of what this blood test result meant. Hence it came as quite a shock when the consultant told me that she was admitting me to hospital and that we would be having our c section early. I rang Neil who was sat in the car waiting for me to tell him the limited information i was aware of and ask him to bring the hospital bags.
I can honestly say I’m not sure what I felt at this point and was very hazy on what all the information meant. Neil was allowed to visit me for the three hours later that day and we both waited not knowing when we would have the c section.
I don’t know when the medical professionals told me that we would have the c section on the 21st April 2021 but we finally had a date that we would meet our twins. I was asked on several occasions if I was excited about meeting the babies. Of course, this may seem like a silly question with everything Neil and I have been through to have this moment and we were both excited about greeting them into the world but I don’t mind admitting I was scared.
I was scared of the operation and i had been having nightmares that something would go wrong or that I would end up losing so much blood I wouldn’t make it to see my beautiful twins. Pregnancy can make your dreams very vivid and awful and i guess everyone facing open surgery would be fearful of the operation itself.
With so many medical reasons for blood loss I had become very anxious about the operation and found myself crying regularly in the hospital bed and then feeling guilt about it as it should be the moment we have longed for and should be filled with nothing but excitement and happiness and again we know how many others would love to trade places.
On the day of the c section I complied a playlist of music to play during the section and went into the operation room with the positivity that I usually have. I think its fair for me to say that both Neil and I found the c section overwhelming, emotional and magical even if we didn’t play our music!
We were aware that things were not going to plan but the team were so calm and reassuring that it wasn’t till afterwards that we truly understood even if we still don’t know the full significance and details.
We were told after the babies were delivered and before i was stitched up that when the surgeon made the incision she had cut through our son’s placenta. None of the scans we had through the pregnancy showed twin 2 (our boy) placenta was also lying low.
We are unsure of the significance of this and how it affects our boy and will be asking many questions about this when we see the doctor at our boy’s 6 week check up and when we see another professional we have now been referred too.
Our little girl was delivered first at 11:48am and she came out crying. This reduced me to floods of tears to hear her cry. It reassured me that she was alive and well. Our little boy had disappeared and was located up near my breasts and was delivered at 11:51am. He did not come out crying and was very pale due to his placenta being cut and loss of blood.
He was immediately taken to the team of paediatricians on stand by in the room and it was probably only a minute before we heard him cry however it felt like a lifetime. I remember looking at Neil and asking him what was wrong.
There was a professional concentration and intensity in the room and I knew that there was something wrong the other side of the blue cloth but the medical teams calmness allowed us to have faith. We were also so relieved that our babies were here that our time was being filled with photographs of them and us.
A short while later I was informed that I had lost a lot of blood. Due to this we were taken to an intensive support area after the c section rather than the ward. Again I don’t really remember much about being in this room and I had to ask Neil where our babies were during this time. Interestingly Neil has very vague memories of what happened when, at this point too.
I was told i was being monitored for a possible blood transfusion as I had lost 2.3 litres of blood (for all those older people, like myself, its 4 and a half pints of blood). I knew this to be a lot as when professionals looked at the figure they all did a sharp in take of breath followed by a wow! There is roughly 5 litres of blood in the average human being.
Neil was allowed to stay with me that night or so we were told as I would need help with the babies due to such low levels. However when a medical professional told me to have a strip wash with their support I undertook this even though I felt all my energy drain. I did it as everyone had told to move as quickly as you can after a c section but within reason.
After I pushed myself to do this at 1:30am in the morning, Neil was told that he should go home and that I was going to be moved to transitional care on the ward. This was a private room where i stayed for the remainder of my time in the hospital. I was extremely upset at this point and couldn’t understand why they made Neil leave when my levels were so low and I was now on my own with twins that needed feeding and changing every 2-3 hours.
It deteriorated from there on and I can’t remember the full details as everything became too much for my mind to process. Our little girl got jaundice within 24 hours (apparently more concerning in this time period). She was put into an incubator stripped to her nappy with an eye mask.
I could now only open the hatch to gently stroke her. Neil arrived at the hospital later that day for his 3 hour visiting time slot and was also visibly upset with seeing our baby laying there.
She came out of the incubator quite quickly from what I remember but as soon as she came out our little boy was placed in. He too was showing signs of jaundice but after 24 hours of delivery.
I found this all so distressing especially with feeling so drained myself and having to call Neil continuously to update him as he was not allowed in the hospital for longer than those visiting hours. We had waited so long to have these babies in our arms but nature seemed to be against us.
Next thing we knew our little boy was allowed out and our little girl was going back under the light therapy. When she was in the incubator this time in the early hours of one morning she was sick. The sick was green in colour and before i knew it the sick was taken to be examined and she was took to neonatal intensive care.
I know this was again early hours of the morning and I remember being inconsolable. I was so concerned that I would not have known or noticed the seriousness of the colour of the sick and I doubted myself as their mother. I was also distraught with having our daughter in intensive care. I didn’t understand what this meant for her and I was worried that history was repeating itself and I would be leaving the hospital without our daughter.
It was due to my distress that they now allowed Neil to come to the hospital and stay with me for the whole day. It was so ironic as i now had only our son to care for rather than twins and looking after one baby was so much easier when feeling so poorly, yet it was now that Neil could stay!
My emotions and Neil’s were all over the place. We had waited so long to have our babies in our arms and yet our girl was in intensive care and due to the pandemic visiting times were vast and shared amongst parents and their babies. Someone else (a stranger) was now spending more time with our daughter then we were and giving her contact through an incubator instead of us.
She was on antibiotics and a feeding tube. When we visited her she had wires everywhere and a tube in her nose. She was behind the glass incubator and looked so isolated and vulnerable. I struggled so much with her being away from me and I don’t mind admitting that I cried constantly and even as I write now tears are falling down my cheeks.
Whilst this was happening for our girl, there were concerns around our boy and he was tested for epilepsy and other things but again we are unsure why he was tested for these. We only know it is linked to his movements. This is what we will chase up for more understanding when we see the professional.
Our girl was given a MRI with a dye test. They were looking for evidence of a twisted stomach we believe. We were not allowed to be with her during this test so she was taken by medical professionals. The test came back inconclusive.
We were then informed that our girl would be transported to Princess Anne in Southampton to the intensive neonatal care unit. They wanted them to repeat the MRI test. Normally the mother of the baby would be transported with them to Southampton (along with their twin if they had a multiple birth). However we were told that we could not go with our daughter as I was under review and being monitored and so was our son.
Neil was given the option to go to Southampton and be with our daughter the next day. He was also able to be with her when she had the MRI scan and was able to FaceTime me in the room afterwards to show me our daughter. This test also came back inconclusive.
A decision was made to release our daughter back to the hospital where I was however she would return to neonatal care and be monitored further and wouldn’t be released to myself until she had stopped the antibiotics.
I believe our daughter was away from me in total for 3 days but again I am unsure of these details and my memory seems to have blocked out most of the details. We were told that upon her return we were to monitor her for further sickness and bowel movements. They said that as long as something was going in and coming out the other end then it we could assume all was ok.
Upon her return to the hospital in the early hours of the morning I was allowed to take our son round to her and got to feed her again for the first time in days. It broke my heart to leave her there again but i knew she was coming back to me soon and I could not be more grateful of this.
I was physically and mentally exhausted and I know Neil was feeling similar. I hadn’t really given much thought to my own care and it was 3 days later that I remembered that no -one had checked my bloods in relation to my levels following the blood loss.
I spoke to a doctor who checked on me and he had assumed that the midwives had taken my blood to check my levels and that I didn’t need a blood transfusion. When i finally had a blood test it showed that my levels had decreased into the 60’s. I believe a normal level is 130 something.
I was then given a blood transfusion of two units of blood the following day (4 days after the birth of our twins). I felt a little better in myself almost immediately after receiving the blood however the transfusion itself caused trauma in my arm from the midwife struggling with putting the needle in and the bruise was immense running the whole length of my lower arm and half my upper arm.
It is now nearly 5 weeks since we delivered our babies and I have only just had my levels checked again and am waiting the results (the room still spins so I assume its not great). Our girl is still under review and we have questions about our boy and his delivery. We have been referred to a specialist mental health midwife to process our trauma and find out the true details of our twins birth.
Although we still have concerns and worries we are very delighted to announce the arrival of our twins. Our girl weighed 5lbs 11oz and is called Layla. Her name means dark beauty as she is the beauty after all our darkness. Our boy weighed 4lb 15oz and is called Kayden. His name means battle or fighter and he has fought to be here and we battled to get him.
We finally have the photo that I have dreamed of putting up on our wall and our family is now filled with a little more love than before. Words can not explain the emotions we have when we look at our rainbow babies. We are truly blessed!
Stars in the Sky 