Precious Moments

I finished my last blog talking about the comment from strangers mainly who tell me how lucky we are in reference to having one of each.

As you know this is a loaded statement for me as I know just how very lucky we are to have Kayden and Layla at home and in our arms! I also know how lucky we are to have been blessed with Kora and Ava who gave us hope that this day would come.

Now that we are at home with the babies I have found moments where I am overwhelmed. Most people think or believe we must be overwhelmed or exhausted with twins.

We get so many questions or comments like are you getting much sleep? double trouble! Are they good? It must be such hard work with two or this is the easy bit wait till they get older.

This is not why I feel overwhelmed. I am grateful that we have been blessed with two babies. I do not feel overwhelmed because of looking after the babies themselves.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions that I don’t seem to be able to control. I’m overwhelmed with the moments we experience. I don’t want to lose or miss a moment and find myself in tears if I think we have.

Neil and I didn’t get to build memories or moments with Kora and Ava and I guess now we have Kayden and Layla in our arms it feels so much more precious.

Neil accidentally washed Layla’s wrist band from hospital and upon finding it in the washing machine and placing it back in the drawer I noticed Kayden’s was missing.

We couldn’t find it and it looks as though it has been lost forever. I found this devastating as we will never be able to replace it. I wanted to remember the size of his wrist at birth, forever.

I wanted to place it in a memory box like we have for Kora and Ava. Only this time the memory box would be passed onto them when they are older or we would look through it together when they start to ask about their birth.

I know that it is not the end of the world and that we have photos and videos to treasure and I also know that we have Kayden and Layla to hold in our hearts and arms forever.

Yet I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t want to make Neil feel anymore guilty then he already did. I guess it’s just we have so little of Kora and Ava.

Their wrist bands don’t even state their names but rather twin A and twin B. To have Kayden and Layla’s wrist band was something so significant to me.

When I looked through Kora and Ava’s memory box I came across two boxes that detailed they were for a wisp of their hair. I suddenly couldn’t remember if they had hair on their heads.

I was so angry at myself when I had to take out their photographs to remind me of their beautiful faces and the fact that they didn’t have a single hair.

If I can forget such intricate and important details of our identical twin girls then how am I to take in every moment with our twins.

I don’t want a single precious moment to pass me by. I want to be the best most attentive mum to them both. I want to study every inch of them so they are etched into my mind.

Neil and I really do know how very lucky we are to have our beautiful twins together with our family. We have lived in a world that continues when we have suffered pain and loss that is incomprehensible.

We have faced each day after Kora and Ava’s death with what ifs and I wonders. We know what it is like to not have the opportunity to make and build many more memories and moments together.

So I guess it makes everyday with Kayden and Layla that more precious. It makes the little things and the keepsakes even more unbelievably valuable.

As a new mum to babies I would be with holding the truth if I didn’t say how truly tiring and overwhelming it can be especially when you have two newborns however…

we smile when others ask us if we are getting much sleep as it really wouldn’t matter if we were getting just one hour because every waking moment with them means more than they will ever know.

We grin at each other when the statement double trouble is banded around as we are overjoyed that we have been blessed with not just one miracle but two!

We give a loving look to each other when we are asked if they are good because they are not only good but undoubtedly perfect.

And yes you’ve guessed it for us this is not the easy bit. We have wanted to bring our babies home for a long time now and we have gone through much grief and heartache to have them in our arms.

This bit and all the bits from here on in are the bits we have longed for. This bit and every bit to follow are the most precious moments we could ever wish for.