Guilt vs exhaustion

I’m unsure if I’m exhausted or burdened due to guilt or maybe I’m exhausted because of the guilt and it’s burden that I feel everyday.

I wasn’t sure whether to even write this blog due to the guilt that I feel when I think all of the thoughts in my own head before I even state them publicly.

Should I state them publicly? What if my thoughts and feelings are perceived by others as wrong or even worse selfish or self centred.

I’ll start by explaining that I am the type of person who can’t watch nature programmes as seeing anything get chased and killed upsets me and stays with me for hours. I’m also the person that is devastated when I tread on a snail and hear the shell crush under my feet.

I feel responsible for my fur baby (dog’s) change of lifestyle and her having to fit around the babies and wait longer for a walk or learn to negotiate the pram. I hear my voice chastising her again because she is licking the babies face to show them love and I cringe.

I guess what I’m saying is that I am a sensitive (often over sensitive) and an emotional person.

I was talking to a midwife who runs a coffee morning virtually and she asked how I was doing. I hesitated before I answered as I wasn’t sure what to say and a wave of guilt came crashing over me.

In the pause the midwife filled the silence with it’s ok to say you are exhausted. She knows our past and how much Layla and Kayden mean to us.

It got me thinking that she is right I am exhausted but not because of the twins as such and not in the way she meant. Im exhausted from guilt I believe.

I feel guilty to even think about saying I’m worn out as I know how many others would trade places with us. I feel guilt even thinking it when I look at our babies little faces looking up and me as I reflect on all the heartache we have been through and still face whilst raising these precious ones.

I feel culpable for even letting the thoughts enter my head when I look around the house and see the mess. People always tell me not to worry that it can wait but my babies can’t.

However they don’t live in my house or my body so have no idea of the impact an unorganised and messy house has on my everyday life or how much easier it is with twins if the house is more sorted.

Yet I feel peccant to ask for help around the house as many other mothers have had babies and managed! Plus I add the extra load of accountability that I wanted this family so badly that it should be my responsibility to maintain the standards.

The people’s statement rings in my ears when I look at my babies and know time goes so fast and is so very valuable. I know the meaning and intentions behind this statement yet everyday standard life has to continue there is no magic dust fairy and now I just feel guilt for picking up the hoover instead of my babies!

There is an even darker and more overwhelming feeling that rears it’s ugly head and that is the guilt I have when I shed a tear at the upcoming anniversary of Kora and Ava.

Layla and Kayden’s eyes study my face so innocently and I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach whilst I chastise myself for letting my grief affect me and wonder if it affects them too!

I don’t expect others to understand this grief and shedding of tears. In fact just yesterday when I bumped into some people they spoke very openly about how the pain goes away now that I have these babies in my arms.

I know it must be so hard for others to understand if they have not experienced such loss. I also know it must seem so surreal to them as they never met or held Kora or Ava. They don’t have their hospital wrist bands or photographs to look at.

I also realise that when this is said it is often meant with only thought and love for Layla and Kayden. The guilt rises again as I walk away and feel for my loss and lack of understanding.

Yet I hope they make such statements because they have not lost a mother, father or children. I hope it comes from a place where they just can’t contemplate or imagine such grief. An innocence in such a sweeping yet significant comment.

I also feel terrible pangs of guilt for having twins and feeling like a failure to one or the other. If they are both crying I try so desperately to meet their needs and be the best mum but when one is crying because they need winding and the other is crying because they are tiered and you only have one pair of arms to try and figure it all out, it feels like an impossible task.

I know how fortunate and lucky we are to bring these babies home and I so desperately want to meet their needs and help them hit the milestones and flourish in their lives (whatever that looks like for them).

I know that there will be people reading this who would give anything to be in this position and to have a baby or babies in their arms and I feel a huge shameful amount of guilt for feeling any of the above.

I feel a little exasperated when others talk about me visiting them and then an intense amount of guilt! I am so burdened with guilt that I don’t need anymore of it if I can’t find the energy or time to visit them.

I have a husband to consider, two babies, a step daughter, a foster (bonus) daughter whilst working two jobs and trying to maintain a home. I physically can’t do it all and if they really do want to see us then they can find the time to visit my home and make things a little easier for me!

I also hate my body and appearance right now and feel physically disgusted when I see my stomach in the mirror. Then a huge amount of self reproach dawns at my door as I let these thoughts enter my head and another inner voice yells at me how can I be so disgustingly vain when I have the most beautiful reason and good fortune to look this way and they are in my arms, in our home!

I am exhausted with the guilt of mothering another’s daughter and my own constant mind battles with ensuring love and nurture to ALL in the family home. The profuse sense that I am failing or letting someone down be that an adult daughter, a baby, a husband or myself.

There are of course private matters that I don’t share on my blog to safeguard my non biological family but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t impact who I am or what I am feeling. It is a massive reason for some of these feelings I write about.

I have a forbidding amount of wrongfulness for the looks I throw at Neil because we parent differently. I know he is an amazing dad and has proven this over and over and before Layla and Kayden came into our lives, so what right do I have to tense up when he leaves the baby crying for longer than me?

It is me that has never raised a living baby until now so what gives me the right to believe that my way of parenting is best just because I research and read everything I can!

Ultimately he loves them with all his heart, they are safe and protected in his care and we are a team so even if we do things differently we will raise them beautifully together!

I expect people might tell me that there is no manual and no such thing as a perfect parent and of course I know all of this. However what sort of mother would I be if I didn’t strive for something close to near perfect no matter how unachievable!

I also assume that others will nod when reading this as it resonated with them the struggles of trying to achieve it all and having high expectations of ourselves and I hope that nod is in solidarity and remembrance of being in this moment of time. For trying to please so many and being racked with guilt.

Finally on the note of guilt, I have sat in the bath for too long now writing for my own benefit even when I heard the twins crying for Neil.

So I will stop being a very momentarily selfish person and will now muster the strength from this exhaustion to cuddle my beautiful babies for as long as possible knowing that I am blessed even if my appearance or house might make others perceive otherwise!

I will battle my guilt and exhaustion with the unbelievable emotions and love that comes with raising all my children, whatever age or need they have.

I will remember just how fortunate I am but also be kind to myself and allow myself to admit the guilt, exhaustion and any other feelings that I have learnt or are learning over the time I have been a mum and a new mother to newborn twins.