Rookie mistake

A rookie mistake (a basic mistake that a person with no experience might make). I have often written about the fact that I have been a mother for many years however being a mum to babies is new to me.

It’s terrifying that I am making mistakes on these precious twins. It’s devastating that I make mistakes with Amy and Alissa too however as they are older I am able to apologise or talk about it.

I’ve also never nearly killed Amy or Alissa! Yet my rookie mistake that could have been fatal lead to many friends and mothers recount their errors and tell me their similar experiences.

I had a bad day, you know the one where everything doesn’t go to plan and somehow things keep going wrong. I was walking the dog and got delayed due to the things going wrong.

This meant I didn’t get home in time for the twins feed. I had packed bottles in the bag and so sat on the bench and got Kayden out first to feed him.

It was very peaceful and tranquil and for a split second I thought to myself that even though the day had started badly and everything was going wrong, I had got this!

I had a little wave of confidence and felt proud that I was in fact doing a good job as mum, to the twins.

At that precise moment my dog Flick went charging towards the pond chasing something. I had attached her lead to the pram so it toppled over onto its side.

Everyone around the pond looked with a sigh of relief as they saw Kayden in my arms. The woman nearest me had seen I had twins and jumped to her feet to take Kayden so I could get Layla.

When all the others realised I had twins they all came rushing over to help. I was distraught and tears were flowing. Layla was on her side against the side of the pram. She had obviously hit her head on the side of the pram.

I don’t know how she remained in the pram as I don’t have it zipped up. I keep it open and the twins on show. This is not because I want to show them off to the world but because of when Layla was sick and cut her airways off.

I have an anxiety about being able to see them so I know they are both ok. Layla had been in the pram unzipped so I could keep an eye on her as I fed Kayden.

Layla was crying but appeared ok and was consoled in about five minutes. She asked for the bottle of milk that should have been given to her next and was sat on my knee smiling as I spoke to a doctor on 111.

The guilt was overwhelming! This tiny little human that I brought into the world had forgiven me in seconds and was grinning from ear to ear at the face she recognised, with what was obviously affection.

I’m finding that being a mother to the twins has involved a lot of guilt. I also discovered whilst working with another new mum that she too has been feeling guilty.

We both felt guilty for working and not spending every minute with our babies. We both also became teary when we talked about it.

Our guilt was from different places but a shared emotion. My guilt is embedded with grief and the pressure I put on myself because I know how fortunate I am. The pressure to be the best mum I can be and losing my confidence that I’m not meeting that aim.

The similarity was uncanny regardless of our reasons for feeling it. I felt like I was looking in a mirror at my own face. I realised that part of motherhood is guilt no matter what you have experienced previously.

I guess because it is the most important thing I have ever done in my lifetime and it doesn’t matter if my children are 22 years, 18 years or 15 weeks old, I will always question my role as a mother.

The difference is I know what it is to love and lose. It has made me appreciate everything I have been blessed with but also leaves me with an anxiety I have never had before.

It makes me want to strive for perfection even if it is an impossible task. It makes me love them all with every ounce of my being. It feeds my guilt on a daily basis. It makes me reflect and analysis my choices, decisions and actions. It makes me a mum!