Abstract

I spend the majority of my time with the twins even when I’m working they are at home with me. I believe in the 18 weeks of their lives I have had less than 50 hours away from them.

Some of the reason for this is because I put pressure on myself to be the one that provides for their every need and I want to be the person to instil their values and beliefs.

I want to be the person with Neil responsible for raising kind hearted, considerate and happy children who remain this as they turn into adults. I want to be the mum that raises a son who respects women and wouldn’t deliberately hurt anyone.

I want to be the mum that raises a daughter who is strong, resilient and not afraid to have her voice heard in a positive manner.

I have all these ideas of what I want for my children and many of these derived from before when we were trying and when we were pregnant with Kora and Ava.

Yet somehow I find myself forgetting that I am mum. When I think of myself I don’t think to describe myself as a mum. It’s all so very abstract.

Last Mother’s Day I got so many messages as I was near my due date saying happy 1st Mother’s Day. I found this very difficult as I discussed before, as you see I’ve been a mum for many years. I was a foster mum, a step mum and a biological mum to angels.

Now I am all of the above and a biological mum to Layla and Kayden. My life has changed so much this year and it is a whirlwind of nappies, poo, feeds, disturbed sleep, crying, consoling, love and laughter.

It’s the most bizarre situation as each day rolls into the next. I find myself carrying on with the everyday with a constant feeling of being blessed and no matter how isolated I feel or lonely I know that I am so truly lucky to have what we have.

I get on with every task I can throughout the day whether it’s seeing to the twins, working or supporting/spending time with Alissa or Amy. Yet somehow I do it without considering myself a mum.

When I talk about myself I automatically mention my job role and give myself the title of sign language interpreter without even hesitating. I’ve worked hard for this role and am proud of what I have achieved.

However, I have worked even harder to be a mum to so many babies and children. I started this blog to raise awareness and challenge perspectives around the definition of a mum, fertility, IVF and miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

I have challenged the world when they have not seen me as a mum because my babies died or because I didn’t give birth to the young adult that Neil and I are raising.

I questioned their statements such as I will understand the love more when I have my OWN babies. Statements that undermine my role as a mum to Alissa and Amy (albeit non biological and with respect to birth mums).

These statements that dismiss Kora and Ava because they didn’t take a breath. That undermine just how special and beautiful they are.

What I do know though is that my heart swells with love and pride the moment Amy or Alissa pick up the babies or see to a need. I feel overwhelmed sometimes with just how special and wonderful our family is even if it is unconventional.

I know that I have two extraordinarily wonderful babies that look at me with their beautiful eyes and make my heart melt every time.

I know that I have two babies that have very different personalities and some very common traits to each other that make me feel so very proud.

I know that when they smile or giggle at me just because they see my face there is no better feeling in the world.

I know that we have missed out on this with Kora and Ava and it makes my heart so very sad and heavy.

I know that I get the same warm feeling inside when Alissa or Amy give me a cuddle or a kiss on the cheek.

I know that at this particular moment in time no one actually calls me mum and it is possibly this that makes it so abstract and surreal.

It is probably this that makes me not instantly refer to myself as a mum or feel strange when I hear someone refer to me as mum.

But what I do know more than anything is I love all of them more than there are stars in the sky and I am truly the luckiest mum in the world thanks to every one of them, even if I don’t think of myself instantly as one!