Reflection

I have always believed vanity to mean a person that has an excessive pride or admiration of their own appearance or achievements.

According to the above definition I wouldn’t consider myself a vain person but I know that I care about my appearance.

I will take time to plan an outfit. I obsessively buy clothes because I never feel like I look nice in anything I put on. I can find a flaw in everything I see in my reflection.

I did this before I was pregnant with Kora and Ava and after I had Layla and Kayden. I still followed a healthy diet during pregnancy and put on 2 stone 5lbs in my pregnancy. I felt this was a healthy weight gain considering I was carrying twins again.

I made sure I ate, as the most important thing to me was ensuring I was providing for our babies as growing them and bringing them home was the only thing on my mind.

Five months on from bringing Layla and Kayden home I find myself struggling with the reflection in the mirror and then struggling with my conscience and guilt for even thinking about how I look when I have two amazing babies.

Yet I don’t know why I should feel guilty? I have always been conscious of how I present myself and just because I have had numerous pregnancies and brought home two amazing babies it doesn’t mean I have to stop who I was before.

Sometimes I find that many people say don’t worry about that you have these two now. I understand why they say it but I also think my health is important too. It’s not just physical but mental too. If I am more confident in my appearance then my mindset is more positive.

If my mindset is more positive then surely this is more beneficial to my family and the babies that I live and breath for.

I don’t remember anyone talking to me about the changes to my body during and after pregnancy. I hear lots of birth mums talk about their body shape and it never being the same again.

Maybe I choose not to listen to this as my pregnancy was full of anxiety to bring the babies home so the last thing on my mind was myself or my figure after the birth.

I do remember being told constantly to breast feed as it helps get your weight off after the birth. Unfortunately I had to give up breastfeeding due to my iron levels and blood loss.

I’ve also been told that after a c section a woman always has a belly that she can’t shift. Yet I know women that have had c sections and don’t have a belly.

I’d love to hit the gym right now and exercise or even go for runs to burn the fat but it’s just not realistic. I also then question myself for wanting to do this as time in the gym is time away from the twins!

I’m not sure where the hours go each day but they go and before I know it’s night time. What I do know is my average steps per day is around 14,000.

I don’t stop all day whether I’m walking the dog twice a day, up and down the stairs to the nursery or generally up and down getting nappies, milk or other things. Yet the tummy I have doesn’t seem to reduce.

Then there are the stretch marks. I think on the whole i have been very fortunate and don’t have too many especially after carrying twins but the ones I have are right under my belly button. They look so ugly to me.

I have seen the posts and positive quotes about how these are the scars of bearing children and we should be proud of them. I understand this sentiment and think it’s a beautiful way to feel yet I was a mum without stretch marks. I was a mum who had no marks to show for my angels or my step and foster daughter.

I know that what I see and what others see maybe different and I know that only my husband and I see my body in it’s full “glory”. This is a small saving grace for my own well being!

Yet when I was tagged into photos the other day (fully dressed) I felt my eyes well up at the sight of me. I looked so huge (admittedly the photo was from the side view which has to be the worst position right)? It didn’t help that o was stood next to a very slim and cute singer. Yet in the pit of my stomach I felt disgusted looking at myself.

I look at recent photos and I see the bags under my eyes and I must admit I contemplate Botox. Yet I remind myself I have twins and I’m tiered, so very tiered. I also remind myself that my photos have no filters, my wrinkles are all my own and my lips are not filled.

I don’t like my photo being taken and this upsets me even more as I will never get any of this time again with my family and babies so if I want to capture it to look back on then photos and videos are the perfect answer.

I will go as far as to say I even hate to undress in front of my husband and my mind tells me he looks repulsed at what he sees in front of him now even if his words and actions say something different.

The most important part of me feeling better or even good about myself is that I don’t want Kayden or Layla growing up feeling embarrassed of who they are. I don’t want them to feel pressured to look or act a certain way.

Therefore I return to my comment about not worrying about my body or how I look when I have the twins and I can’t help but think that if I can start to feel good about myself then this is the positive image I will present to them.

I’m not saying I have to be a size 10 (it’s been a long time since I was the tiny size 8)! I also look back on photos from then and feel I look too skinny. Always my own worst critic.

I’m not sure it’s a certain size I want to be but rather a flatter figure and more healthy mindset. I want the confidence to feel ok and walk out the door not worrying about how I look or making sure I piled on the dark circles concealer!

I’m not writing this for compliments, as I’m awful at accepting them and won’t believe them either, but rather because I want others to know it’s ok to feel different about yourself after giving birth. It’s ok to struggle with the changes in your body.

The one thing I have learnt and that I hold onto so very dearly is that I am so so lucky to have my beautiful twins and more importantly the way they look at me with the love oozing from every inch of them, it’s clear they don’t care one bit the way I look!!!

So it is that I hold onto when I’m having a rubbish day or my confidence is rock bottom. What Neil and I have been through to bring our babies home and the pure innocent love that fills my heart.

Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder and I have two sets of eyes that look at me as if I’m the best thing in the world. Something I do have believe and confidence in is that I am beautiful inside and that is definitely more important.