The season to be jolly

It is the most magical time of year and the season to be jolly, at least that’s what we all anticipate at Christmas time.

The truth is that it is far from that for many and for very different reasons. This year for Neil and I, it is truly magical and jolly to be celebrating our first one with the babies we brought home!

It is however a very bittersweet time of year for us. On the 20th December Kora and Ava would have been three years old. We can only imagine how amazing this Christmas could have been with them at an age of awareness.

It’s hard to believe that three years has past. Now and then I get their photos out from the drawer and look at their perfect little bodies.

The festive season changed for me a little at the loss of my mum who adored Christmas but after the loss of Kora and Ava it changed significantly. The magic and joy diminished.

I know there are many people who face a Christmas without a loved one and for some it will be their first Christmas without a loved one. Although we seek inside that magical feeling, it isn’t the same when people you love are missing.

When all you long for is a kiss or a hug especially from our babies that live in our hearts and not our arms.

Although Christmas will never be the same again and we will have days of grief, this year my heart is also so very full of love and magic to come.

I will embrace Christmas so thankfully this year and grieve positively through the wonders I behold in Layla and Kayden.

I will hold onto the memories we are making and know that these memories would have been achieved with Kora and Ava.

I will look into our babies faces to see the wonder and joy of a sparkly tree in the house and the twinkly lights that adorn the arches and mantelpiece.

I will hold onto and enjoy every single little moment, knowing that even if they are too young to really know the magic of this time of year they are giving it to us.

I will embrace every Christmas from now and ensure that I put all our loss and grief into making the most wonderful and magical Christmases.

I can only hope that I will achieve what my mum (and my dad) gifted to me, the wonderment of this time of year, the excitement and the love.

I hope that I pass this onto our family and make it so special for Amy, Alissa, Layla and Kayden. I hope that they will pass this down to their children if blessed to bring some home.

So this Christmas I will raise a glass for the ones we have loved and lost but I will also hug the ones that are with us that so much harder.