No need to try again!

I have often written about throw away comments made by not only friends and family but also strangers.

Often these comments are human nature in our need to communicate with each other. They are said with no thought and are a comment meant with no harm.

Interestingly when I walk around with the twins in the pram I get stopped as people want to ask if they are twins. Once their gender is revealed (although obvious to me…girl with bow in her hair, boy without) they state oh how lucky, job done, one of each.

The men often look at Neil when saying job done and no need to go again. I guess it’s derived from the 2.4 children old fashioned family make up.

I, of course, smile the smile I have become accustomed to. The one that says politely yes that’s true with a hint of you are funny. This smile hopefully hides the emotions inside the real truth with the desire of not upsetting said stranger.

Some of my friends have also asked if Neil and I would want more babies. This question is often asked with no malice and without true understanding of the complexities to bring home Layla and Kayden.

Unfortunately due to IVF and my age I am not blessed to be one of those people that decides I want another baby, who then starts trying and instantly falls pregnant.

My first round of IVF resulted in giving me fertility issues that I didn’t previously have. Please don’t misunderstand this as resentful as IVF also gave us Layla and Kayden.

Realistically it means I am a forty one year old woman with one Fallopian tube resulting in under 13% chance of falling pregnant naturally.

If you have read my previous blogs then you will know that with this limited chance we did in fact fall pregnant naturally after our first round. A pregnancy that only got to 8 weeks before we were told that the heartbeat we had seen had stopped.

Therefore Neil and I know that it is not impossible and it is in fact a possibility that we could fall pregnant naturally, it’s just very low odds!

When most people embark on IVF they hope to get as many blastocysts as possible to give them the best chance in getting pregnant and the hope that in the future there could be a sibling for the much wanted bundle of joy.

When people fall pregnant naturally and don’t experience loss, miscarriage or any fertility issues they often discuss their options and if they would like to grow their family.

Yet for me I am riddled with guilt when I am asked this question or it is perceived that the job is done and there is no more need to extend the family.

I feel guilty because I am so truly blessed to have our twins. I see on the IVF forums and baby loss support groups how many people are struggling to have and or bring home their much wanted baby.

I know that Neil and I went through a very difficult journey with so many traumas, operations, injections, scans, miscarriages, births and deaths. So I know how truly blessed (or lucky) we are to have our twins.

Therefore I question why I would even want anymore babies. I have an extended family which now includes two biological children and two daughters that I did not deliver into the world.

I am confused with my guilt as I knew I always wanted to bring home biological children. It never undermined the love I have for Alissa and Amy.

I knew that when we cremated Kora and Ava there would come a time when we would want to try again and this was never going to be to replace our loss, how could it be?!

Wanting more children even when we are blessed enough to have a beautiful family is indeed a very natural feeling. I am unsure why it plagues me with so much guilt.

I look at our family and I know that we are blessed and something hits me overwhelmingly…a question, why would we need anymore when what we have is so perfect?

Then the voice of reason inside my head tells me that it’s ok to want to love more after all there is so much love to give.

Wanting more does not undermine the intense and magical love I have with my children. Wanting more does not mean that any of them are not already enough.

I am unsure if other people who did not face the struggles Neil and I did even have this guilt or worry about thinking of extending their family!

I look at my family now with pride and grief. I know that we should have two beautiful (nearly 3 year old) identical twin girls. I think about how hectic and wonderful life would have been with two sets of twins.

All I really know is that if in fact this is “job done” I can not express in words how perfect that ‘job’ was.

I won’t look back on my life and regret not having more children as my life is surrounded with love and joy.

Our family is perfect and if the love I have to give is showered only on what we already hold then I am the luckiest woman alive!