Grandma

I know lots of people struggle around this time of year for one thing or another and particularly as the nights draw darker and colder.

I use to love this time of year and found joy in wrapping up warm and cozy fires. If I’m honest a part of me still does. I refuse to let moments and special occasions be ruined by overwhelming emotions.

I do however battle this feeling and can find myself a little sadder than normal or suddenly overwhelmed with grief.

November and December mark the anniversaries of both my mum passing and Kora and Ava’s due date.

This year I am finding it exhausting to mange as I’m confused and consumed with emotions and wishes or I wonders.

It’s also my first year of having our babies at home. The ones we managed to take home and this is impacting me in ways I hadn’t thought about until now.

It’s been 7 years in November since my mum passed. It’s crazy to see that figure and for it to still feel so raw at times. This year even more so as I look at Layla and Kayden.

They are 6 months old on Thursday (half a year) and my heart aches that you, mum have missed out on so much not by choice. I would love to share with you the most joyous of moments when they both giggle at the same time. I wish you were here to hear it.

Their smiles beam from ear to ear and it makes the whole day worth while no matter what has happened. I wish you were here to see them, you would have loved to see their smiles.

I wonder what they would have called you or what title you would have preferred, Nan or grandma or anything else similar.

I know for a fact you would have been here and present in all those precious moments. You wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I wonder if you would have thought or told me that I am a good mum (I hope I am). I wonder what reflections we both would have had on our relationship.

The mum I had in the last three years of her life was a very different mum to the one I had growing up and then the one I had as a teenager into my twenties.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy and we talked about this when you got the diagnosis of terminal. I will always think it brave of you to tell me you wish you had mothered me differently or been a more natural mum.

Those last three years when you were living with the terminal illness you became the most reflective and caring person. It wasn’t about you and your illness, it was about us and our memories. For that I am truly grateful.

Our relationship was not easy and I guess it is this that makes this year so much harder. Not because I am a new mum as I have been a mum for years but this is the first time I’ve changed nappies or had little people rely on me solely to keep them loved and protected.

I have so many questions I want to ask you and so many moments I want to share with you. It’s much harder because it is the first year you would have been a grandma to the babies we brought home.

It’s harder because of the questions it raises with answers I will simply never know, emotions I didn’t know I was feeling and a huge sadness to think that Layla and Kayden will never know their grandma.

I’ve been missing that special relationship that everyone talks about the one of the grandma and the babies. The one that is so different from the mum you were to me. That extra special dose of love and cuddles that a grandma gives to their grandchildren.

My heart aches for what they are missing out on and for the first time this year my grief is selfless and that is a very new feeling. Most years I have stopped and thought about your passing and MY loss. This year I think about THEIR loss.

What I do know though is that I carry you in my heart and I hope that what I share with Layla and Kayden will help them to have a life filled with happy thoughts of a grandma that might have been.